Urgent advice needed! FWB gone wrong! What to do?

[Fightingwithmyself]

So I know there will be a alot of mixed responses to this..as yes I went in to this niavely but also knowing the potentially risk...but here we go I have been casually hooking up with my older boss for roughly 4 months..he pursued me...and after encouraging me to go for a job within his team after working in a different sector of the company i did and was successful and then he began a text message conversation with me one evening the same week stating how he had provided a glowing reference on my behalf...

After texting for awhile he stated that colleagues of his had told him I liked him and he wanted to clarify...this went on for a couple of weeks messages back and forth until he stated he fancied me..He then stated he wanted a NSA causal relationship as he was a bad bet for commitment and he didnt want a gf... in which I myself was happy with and after exchanging messages back and forth for a few weeks it began...

Everything was fine he would come to mine during the week after work. He would always initiate and liked the control if I suggested anything he wouldn't give me a definitive answer always maybe,possibly. If I asked would he like to see me he would never directly say yes (only if you want too) etc...he had expressed he struggled with emotions.

However a month in the lines began to blur..usually we would have sex then he would leave..we only spoke about work etc it was all casual however due to the distance between us he invited me to his place one weekend and I stayed the evening and we shared the bed..again though still felt casual..

Until the last few weeks I have stayed at his place every weekend and out of the blue he decided we would go out (he'd never taken me anywhere) it was purely in the bedroom but I was there and I agreed we had drinks, played pool (it was actually surprisingly fun and not awkward) we was both intoxicated however enjoying ourselves and each others company but then he brought up the conversation about 'what do I want' and began asking me alot of probing questions in which continued when we returned to his..he mentioned things unusual like how good he was with kids, (almost selling his good attributes to me) also I have a child from a previous relationship as does he..he mentioned i would benefit from an older man in a relationship, and asked if I was seeing anyone else if I had any intention too also brought up liking me and courting me (yes there is an age gap) and that night after sex he cuddled me in bed in which he has never previously

I tried to bring this up with him sober the next day to which I got the response 'I don't remember' I briefly mentioned the conversation and asked if he would like another one sober in which he agreed...however everything remained lighthearted and flirtatious (the conversation didn't happen) we then hooked up again the weekend after and again he took me out and the exact thing happened again he made remarks of coming home to me every night, having a family etc etc, even inpregnating me, stating I dont like people so the fact I have been seeing you for this long I obviously like you as more than what we are doing....(all again said intoxicated) but very specific nevertheless. I stated I liked him to and if this was to carry on for a longer period I would inevitably want more from this

Again sober (he didnt acknowledge the conversation, nor wish to answer anything about it when asked)

Cut to last week I was sick of him never addressing the subject sober so I asked him straight out whether he liked me more than a fwb or not? In which he said your alright I asked him to be more specific and he stated yes..so I asked if maybe he would like to stay over one night during the week to which he stated was a bit of a commitment..in which I laughed off and stated it was no different then me staying over at his on a weekend..

We remained flirtatious in and out of work however this week..i had a fall and had to go to hospital and he txt me and checked in alot and was being very supportive however when I stated awwh you do care then..he replied no I was just bored waiting to eat...sarcastic as ever..but heres where things changed towards the end of this week we was at lunch with a couple of colleagues and I recieved a phone call from a friend..in which i left the table to take on my return he was sat at the table alone as they had gone to get a drink and he stated 'that one of your boyfriends' 'at least I know where I stand' he then left

I later text him to ask what he meant by that and was a little sarcastic as a was pissed off and said is it a case of you not wanting me but no-one else can either? To which he then asked me a straight question of was I sleeping with someone else? In which I immediately replied no, i then asked why was he? To which he didnt provide me with a direct answer but rather 'I will not dignify that with a response' I was pissed off that he felt the need to ask me however wouldn't reply himself directly so asked him again 'well are you?'

To which I then got 'whatever you know I want a quiet life and this is turning into nagging, if you keep this up this will be stopping'

To which pissed me off to no end because I wasnt the one who has made the comment in the first place so I replied saying that to which he said

Let's call it a day now then to avoid any confusion..when I then asked why has this been blown out of proportion

He then stated

That I wanted more from this I was to make plans have commitments and a relationship which he doesnt want and cant give me and he doesnt like or want to answer questions

The following day we went to work together and it was slightly awkward but bearable I attempted to reach out over the weekend to which I got a shit message of why are you texting me we have had fun it's now over so dont..

However now here is the big thing..I've just found out I'm pregnant (I was using contraception before anyone calls me out for that) and I dont know what the hell to do if i try and communicate he will think i am using this as an excuse because of the current situation but it's really just shocking timing and I'm freaking out because I have to see him tomorrow!

Someone give me some advice please!!

@Nursehorsefly my morals are being questioned now because the reason I was on contraception is to prevent possible pregnancy because I struggle with the concept of termination...also I'm struggling whether to tell him or not as morally i think it's right to do so however due to his twattish behaviour thus far..i think it would be further damaging to myself

I’d tell him at work with a trusted colleague or member of your union with you. You’ve done nothing wrong. Don’t engage emotionally with him. You have EVERY right to keep your job.

And get everything he says recorded.

I wouldn't tell him. Going by what you have said, he will accuse you of deliberately getting pregnant. I will also guess he will push you to terminate anyway. You already have a difficult decision to make without the added stress of his pressure.
I think you have to decide if you are going to keep it first (Personally I wouldn't). If you decide you can't terminate then you need to prepare to be a single mum and for him to be very unsupportive. Its also likely you will need to find another job (which I think might be a good idea either way).

Everyone knows that no contraception is 100 percent safe - he could have decided to wear a condom too. Why should it solely be you be to blame? You take charge here! He is AS responsible for this as you. But if he’s going to be a dick about it, be VERY professional, record everything - but you do NOT need to lose your job.

WHY should she leave her job??? I don’t get this???? Why shouldn’t HE leave his bloody job!!!

Good luck today OP. I'd say nothing until you can talk it over with a very straight-talking friend.

So it’s ok for the big man boss to make a mistake and keep his job - but the lower paid woman should leave????? Ridiculous.

I’m sorry OP he wasn’t a FWB. FWB treat each other with respect - that’s the “friends” part of it.

Decide what YOU want to do regarding the pregnancy and then tell him your decision. He has no say.

Are you in a union? Do you have HR?

Don’t tell him a damned thing, he’s controlling and a user.
It’s ok not to let a pregnancy progress, OP. You’re young, you have time and space for other choices in the future.

What a horrible situation to be in. I think you need to decide if you want another baby. One that will tie you to him for years to come? If you decide to terminate then I wouldn’t tell him, in my opinion in that decision he doesn’t need to know. I would also look for another job x

I wouldn't tell him and I would get an abortion. I wouldn't want to have a child with this man.
I'd also never have a FWB relationship with anyone ever again. It's bit your fault he is a shit but it should have been clear to you from the beginning.

You started pressing for clarification and commitment and he abandoned you. Which is your answer.

it is not a bad thing to decide to not continue with this pregnancy. At this stage you can take a pill and have a heavy period. It is no fun being financially vulnerable to a woman hating man with ishoooos

I can't imagine why you wanted more of a relationship with him, he sounds like an absolute pain in the arse and not mentally all there tbh.

Having heard from so many women going through hell backwards and forwards to family courts with cunts like this, I think it would be a huge mistake to have his baby.

I would 100% terminate, stay in the job if you want to but be prepared for him to get nasty. He sounds like an awful person.

I think he drunkenly mentioned more of a relationship first Jiggles then denied it in the morning .

So it’s ok for the big man boss to make a mistake and keep his job - but the lower paid woman should leave????? Ridiculous.

nursehorsefly

People aren't saying she should have to leave her job. They're saying that the reality (the unfair and ridiculous reality) is that because of what's happened and how much of a nob he is, continuing to work there is likely to detrimental to her mental health and cause even more upset for her.

Life isn't fair and it sucks that sometimes we have to do things that feel like punishment when we aren't the only party involved, but OP needs to put her mental health first. And she said he could hamper her career prospects. Again, awful and wrong but OP knows what the reality of her specific situation is.

And I think she'll be much less likely now to start seeing someone in a position of authority at work again because of this situation, the power imbalance in the workplace often has ramifications during and after a relationship / FWB situation.

So nobody is saying it's right she should have to leave and it's right he would get to have no consequences, it's what is likely right for OP and her mental well-being and career development.

Hope you're OK today OP

OP, I am sorry you find yourself in this position.

He was a nightmare from half way through this arrangement, if not before.

He was oily in his getting you to sleep with him, implying you got your job in his influence rather than his merits.

He has played mind games with you, is controlling and dishonest.

Fine, the sex suited you and that’s your choice.

You took active steps to prevent this pregnancy, you did not want a child with this man. So in your shoes I would look at the bigger picture: your life in 3 years time.

Do you honestly want this fucked up FWB gone wrong situation to define your life for the next 18 years?

You can hardly not tell him if you go ahead with the pg, he will be in charge of your ML arrangements. More power.

Personally I would have a termination and use my promotion to get a better kick ass job working with a company where the boss does not slither his way into people’s pants by implicating promotion prospects.

But I wish you well in whatever is best for you.

“implying you got your job in his influence rather than YOUR merits.”

I echo the PP who advised that if you keep the baby (and I do understand your worries about how you will cope with having a termination), do not tell this man, leave your job before anyone there knows you are pregnant and move away. If he knows, he could make your life miserable. Being a single parent with no involvement from him would be infinitely better.

At the moment leave him out of the equation altogether. He is useless as a long term partner, and not much good at being a FWB.

Decide whether you want to struggle as a single parent and how it will affect your career, life and other child. You should give this a lot of thought. Of course this man should pay child maintenance. Either way your current job looks difficult.

Decide and quickly whether an abortion is for you. Personally I would take the short term mental pain, rather than years of struggling as a single parent.

I got that AnneKipanki, she still seemed keen to progress things though, despite the red flag hot and cold headfuckery.

I don't think he was ever remotely after a relationship. I think he wanted an ego boost. You were happy with the FWB situation and I bet he just wanted to see if he could get you to fall for him. It was all about the chase. As soon as you indicated you might be interested (via clarification - I know that's not the same thing), he felt he'd won the prize and backed off.

This is beside the point I know, but IMO he wasn't ever up for a relationship or a family and this has bearing on being a father. He's an arsehole, he's not father material as you already know. I wouldn't tell him anything, because the only effect that will have will be negative for you and you really need to protect yourself at this vulnerable time.

Your WHOLE post is about him and what he might want

Literally ALL of it

Stop and think of what you might want (not just the baby) but what you want in a relationship, fwb or otherwise. How you want YOUR needs met. How YOU want to be treated. How YOU want your life to go.

she still seemed keen to progress things though, despite the red flag hot and cold headfuckery.
I agree Jiggles !