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Original poster

When only one of you wants to end it

29 replies

Trogga · 16/02/2020 11:34

I've been with DH for over 10 years. I feel like the relationship may have run its course, but DH says he loves me, is really happy with me and doesn't ever want to give up on our marriage.

He said he wanted children, but then kept putting it off. Eventually we began trying, although he would never initiate sex. He's always had a low drive and isn't physically affectionate, but I've accepted this is how he is.

After a few years (I'm now 36 and he's 47) and no pregnancy, I found out we both have fertility issues and I was accepted for IVF. He refused, saying he doesn't want to go down that route. I mentioned adoption or fostering, that's a 'maybe' from him, but I feel he's just saying that because he thinks it's what I want to hear. He says we can have a happy childfree life, too.

He has no friends, no job (his income comes from investment), no hobbies and he's in the house 24/7. I work two part-time jobs, volunteer, go to the gym, and have a few local friends I see so I have a bit of a life. I never get time to myself and he usually tags along with whatever I'm doing, when I'm not at work etc. I am 100% of his life.

I feel empty, like each day is something to get through; whenever I bring up the idea of separating with DH he gets distraught. He wants us to move from the busy town we live in to a rural place in the country and thinks that will fix things.

He's a lovely person, very loyal, kind, thoughtful in so many ways, and we have the same sense of humour - but I see him as a very good friend that I care about and I wonder if he'd make more of a life by not being with me.

Is this as good as it gets, should I be grateful he loves me so much?

OP posts:
12345kbm · 16/02/2020 11:40

You could but it would be more like a hostage situation.

You are still young enough to have children with someone else. He clearly, clearly doesn't want children. How do you see that progressing as you get older and your chances to conceive tick away?

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a man with little libido who doesn't show affection?

How will moving to a rural area fix things?

I think you know the answer and it's better not to try and bring a child into this anyway. You are incompatible and want different lives.

Bananalanacake · 16/02/2020 11:42

I would feel smothered in that situation. He hangs around with you all the time. It's almost controlling but you know better. And you need to think if you want DC.

NearlyGranny · 16/02/2020 11:47

It takes both people wanting to stay; only one to leave. I think it's rarer for both people to decide simultaneously that it's over.

Short answer: he doesn't want what you want and you're wasting your fertile years.

MymbleClement · 16/02/2020 11:47

He doesn't want to give up because you are meeting all his needs, he doesn't have to put in any effort and he wants it to stay that way. How are your needs met here? The last thing you should do is move somewhere rural with him.

kazzer2867 · 16/02/2020 11:55

This has red flags written all over it. He wants to move to a rural area hoping to take you away from your friends, your life. You would then be isolated and reliant on him. Please do not consider moving. Life is too short. Do what's best for you.

MeatFreeSausage · 16/02/2020 11:56

Absolutely what kazzer said.

RandomMess · 16/02/2020 11:58

Run for the hills...

This will be your claustrophobic life until one of you dies!

mcmooberry · 16/02/2020 12:01

I left a relationship which had become a friendship after 13 years aged 36 as I wanted to give myself the chance of having a family. It was a very low time in my life but I did meet my now DH and we have 3 children so it all worked out, but even if it hadn't it was still the right thing to do.
Your DH sounds smothering. Why does he object to the ivf "route", his involvement is limited to providing some sperm, the rest is all down to you?
Would strongly advise you to be decisive and leave before you get any older and definitely don't move to the country where you will be cut off from your current friends.

Peridot1 · 16/02/2020 12:07

I’m a bit old than you at 55 and would definitely say you should end things.

My DH sounds very similar to yours. Low sex drive, didn’t really want children although we do have one who was conceived through ivf but only after I threatened to leave if we didn’t do it. I wasted my fertile years and really regret it.

Dh is now retired and is here all the time. Has no friends. No hobbies really other than gardening and a computer game he plays. It’s taken me time to realise that he just doesn’t make an effort with people. We lived as expats for years and had a very busy social life but I’m not seeing that that was all either down to me or his job.

I’m really struggling and want to end things but DS has just seen a good friend really struggle with his parents break up and has said he wouldn’t forgive us if we do that to him.

You have every right to be happy and it’s obviously not going to be with him.

Peridot1 · 16/02/2020 12:08

I’m NOW seeing it was all down to me. The social life that is!

stayingontherail · 16/02/2020 12:10

Agree with others that my reaction to him wanting to move somewhere rural is more to do with meeting his own needs so you won’t be able to go out as much and spend more time with him, which it sounds like you don’t want to do.

If a relationship doesn’t work for one person then the relationship doesn’t work. You don’t have to be on the same page both hating each other to end a relationship.

UYScuti · 16/02/2020 12:11

Of course he doesn't want to end, it he's onto a good thing, a parasite will never willingly release it's host

UYScuti · 16/02/2020 12:14

it's obvious why he doesn't want children, he is the person occupying the position of 'child' in your life, he does not want to be usurped by an actual child, he wants all of your attention for himself.
You are his mummy and he never wants to let you go, aren't you the lucky one 😳🙈

Thornhill58 · 16/02/2020 12:15

Is this as good as it gets, should I be grateful he loves me so much?

Only you can answer that question. Is it as good as it gets? Should you be grateful?

LonginesPrime · 16/02/2020 12:28

Of course you don't continue with a relationship you don't want to be in anymore!

Be thankful there aren't any kids to think of, get the fuck out and start living your life!

Mintychoc1 · 16/02/2020 13:15

You need to leave him.You want kids. He doesn’t.
Your indifference to him will turn to resentment and then hatred.

JacquesHammer · 16/02/2020 13:16

If one of you wants to leave then that’s good enough.

He isn’t a partner, he’s a user.

BaronessBomburst · 16/02/2020 13:44

Do you want to be living like this in 10 years?
No?
Then leave now.
You are not responsible for his happiness.
Not that I actually think he's happy, btw. Just settled.

BaolFan · 16/02/2020 14:00

If only one of you wants to end it, then it's over - because it takes two people to keep a relationship going.

This man is robbing you of your chance to have children. He quite literally wants to isolate you in the middle of nowhere so that you become his whole life.

Qwerty543 · 16/02/2020 14:44

ExH didn't want to end things. I did so it ended. The one who wants to stay together does not trump the one who wants to break up. Other way around actually.

He really doesn't want kids OP. He's been stringing you along. End it whilst you still have a chance for kids. His wellbeing is NOT your responsibility.

Ididit2019 · 16/02/2020 14:53

*mcmooberry-how old were you when you had your children?

Original poster
Trogga · 16/02/2020 15:02

I appreciate all the replies, thanks everyone.

I feel like I just want to be single, on my own, my own little place so I can breathe and work out where to go from there. Meeting someone else/trying for DC is just not something I can think about; I've come to terms with never having biological children. But there's no way can I live another 10 years like this.

How do I do this?

OP posts:
MitziK · 16/02/2020 15:56

Look into renting somewhere else, sign the contract, then leave the house.

Aminuts23 · 16/02/2020 16:09

OP this was me. I left when I was 40. Too late for me to have DC. I stayed too long and wasted my fertile years. It’s the biggest regret of my life. Get out now.
It’s hard leaving someone who doesn’t want it but you need to focus on the life you want and you need to be selfish. My ex said he was totally devastated, he acted like he was. He actually met someone else quite quickly.
I’m still on my own now, I have a nice home, good friends, good job etc. I’ve never looked back

LonginesPrime · 16/02/2020 16:13

Look into renting somewhere else, sign the contract, then leave the house

^ This.

It's no good asking for his co-operation or trying to do things amicably as he's not on board and wants you to stay whether you're happy or not.

So you'll need to strike out on your own if you want a shot at happiness - he's only going to drag you down to satisfy his own selfish needs.

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