Very, very lonely and sad

[StartingAgain33]

Hi all

Recently single, at 35, and feel like my prospect at having a family is running out very quickly.

I'm also pretty traumatised from a VERY difficult five years or so which has featured betrayal, death of my favourite person and also a transition to freelancing for three years which I now realise is not helping as I spend so much time at my kitchen table (I'm now going inhouse part-time, which should hopefully help).

I do think I'm a pretty sociable person naturally but the last few years have isolated me and given me no time or energy to pursue new friendships. And weirdly, at 35, I think I feel like a saddo trying - like everyone this age is now settled in with their friends and partners and if I look like I'm making an effort I'll be branded a weirdo.

Alongside this, all of my friends are partnered up and weekends seem to be basically be for them to spend time with their husbands or families, which leaves me feeling very, very lonely and just ruminating on what has gone wrong / how I'm messed up and not as good as everyone else.

And even when I do see friends, I feel like they pity me and just want to give me something to do. I know that's destructive thinking, and it probably makes me quite shit company. I feel like I moan too much and just have no joie de vivre left.

I'm actively trying not to date at the moment as I feel like I've used men to fill a void a bit and that it would be good for my confidence to know I don't need them for that. Also, the general advice seems to be that you need to be in a happy and healthy place yourself to find a good relationship, although I have a read a couple of posts from people who admitted they were lonely and sad before they met their DHs, so maybe this just is what humans are like when they're alone?

Do you have any advice for not blaming myself for being alone on the weekends? I think shame really adds to the feeling of isolation.

And do you have any stories of hope, of being a similar age and actually rebuilding your life in a positive way? Of finding new friends and of also finding a nice partner to settle down with?

Thanks for listening.

Hi there , Weekends can be the worst, just sending some hugs am sure there will be people who can give some advice. I spend a lot of time on my own , I joined a gym which helps get me out of the house xx

Hi OP

Just bumping your thread for you. FWIW, 35 is definitely not too old to meet someone and start a family. I also don’t think it’s strange to go out in an effort to make more friends at that age. Or join activities or whatever else you might fancy.

I am sorry you are feeling as you are feeling but there is definitely nothing to be ashamed of .

You sound a bit down and maybe speaking to a counsellor might help? I am very sorry about the trauma you have been through 💖.

I would try to date, to be honest. I have come to realise there is a lot of nonsense written about relationships!

You are ascribing too much weight to 'what other people think'. Most people are more worried about themselves than thinking 'gosh, look, a 35 year old out alone trying to meet people, how SAD' (besides, they don't know you are 35, you might be 28).

What about joining a group who specifically meet at weekends to do a hobby? Horse riding, running, photography...I think if you expand your socialising you will meet more people - and then, well, you never know!

I found myself single at your age OP.

Sorry to say I'm now 40 with not a single decent relationship under my belt in the last 5 years.

Post 35 it doesn't matter what anyone says the pool of available and interested people drops dramatically

Thinking this is me for life now. Alone.

I was in the same situation as you at 36. It was extremely hard and lonely. And it took a good while to properly adjust to living alone and being alone. But 4 years later I’m doing really well. I don’t feel lonely at weekends, I took up a hobby which is time consuming.
I actively stopped dating because it really wasn’t helping me.
It’s simply a case of time making things easier.

The children thing is different, I probably won’t ever have them now, but I look at it in a slightly different way, lots of my friends who really wanted them and quickly have ended up in shocking relationships. Staying for the kids type of relationships. And I don’t want to end up with some arsehole for the next 10-20 years simply because I was desperate for a child. I don’t think that’s fair on the child let alone anyone else.

So I would say take your time, find a hobby, find some friends who don’t have children (this is totally possible)

Sometimes I am still lonely, but then I remember I was lonely in my awful relationship, it was just a different type of loneliness. And worse in a way because I felt totally helpless in it.

My mum separated from my dad at 42 and is now remarried and about to celebrate 25 years with my step dad

35 is nothing!! Seriously it’s not. You’ve become bogged down and that’s really easy to do especially when you work alone a lot

You need to start from the angle of ‘what to I find interesting?’ rather than how do I meet new friends. Meet up is really good for finding local groups around interests and if you have time volunteering can be good too. You have to approach it with the attitude of how do I get to know more ppl

Also no one is judging you! It’s easy to think they are but they’re not x

‘35 is nothing’

Let’s face it, for a family, it is. OP does have time, I’m not saying for a moment she doesn’t - but she does need to move.

Awh, there is no shame to being alone at weekends.
I am considerably older than you and have done the marriage and children, both are grown up now and have flown the nest.
I got married in my early thirties, after a whirlwind romance. I should have left it at romance, but then I would not have my lovely boys.
I have just spent the entire weekend alone through choice as there are places I could go and people I could visit. However if I did not make the effort I would not see anyone.
I remember pre marriage the feeling the pressure to have somewhere to go at weekends particularly in the evenings...some night out planned. Luckily I do not have that now.
Finding romance in the workplace? I never have, but at least you will make new friends hopefully and it may widen your social circle.
You say you are actively trying not to date, does this mean you actually have the oppertunity?

Op I could have written this but now have a family a few years later

I did OLD and that helped me meet oh

OP the only way of meeting someone is by getting out there and doing something with your life.

Are you having any therapy? Do you think speaking to someone and raising your self esteem would help.

Have you been proactive? For example, have you looked into having children without a partner?

How's your career going? Can you focus on that for the time being? Get a new job? Study for a professional qualification? Work towards a promotion?

Do you travel? Any family or friends you haven't see for a while abroad?

Do you exercise? You could meet someone at the gym or jogging around the park?

Have you tried meetup.com? Film club, life drawing, learning French, hiking, rock climbing, cookery classes...? Places where you can meet other people?

I could have written this myself OP. Most details are the same apart from I do have 2 children from my failed marriage. They stop me feeling alone sometimes but every other weekend they go to their dads and I feel SO lonely. I can go the entire weekend without speaking to another human being.

Noone would guess it of me. I probably come across as happy and sociable but I've found myself making up plans when I'm asked by colleagues what I'm doing at the weekend just so they dont think I'm a sad, lonely loser who will spend the weekend rattling around my house in my pjs and calling my mum from time to time.

I have friends but no best friends and am noone's priority or first choice. They, rightly, spend their weekends with their families, doing the family thing.

I've started studying just recently and thats given me a new focus and something to fill my lonely weekends but it's a temporary fix.

Having children is lovely but in terms of dating.... well I still feel there is a real stigma attached to being a 'single mum' to be point that I am ashamed to admit I have my children sometimes to strangers to avoid the pityful head tilt and 'being a single mum must be tough' comments. Yes it fucking is. I have no choice.

But being single doesnt mean you're flawed, or that theres something unlovable about you or that your situation will always remain this way .... just hold on to that.

@myume did you have lots of success before 35 with getting into nice relationships? And did you see a drop off at 35?

I'm TERRIFIED now I'm 35 that everyone will think I'm desperate for a baby and feel that pressure which will ruin things. Either by them not seeing me in the first place or by scarpering when things get serious.

TBH, I've never found it hard meeting men and a large portion seem to want to see me again / pursue things. That was true a year ago; can turning 35 really change that so much? I think I might be getting scared by horror stories, but maybe some of the people who are finding it hard found it hard before anyway? I don't know.

I'm actually freezing my eggs at the moment to 'buy' myself some time, but that doesn't really matter if I don't get the dates in the first place.

I just feel too damaged and stressed to be OLD right now. I was with someone who was lovely on the surface for three months until v recently but there was some really odd stuff going on and it's messed with my head. I also just feel really jaded and like I've had failed relationship after failed relationship (which is true) and there must be something really dysfunctional about me (I do think I'm a lovely person to be with but can be insecure and difficult).

I am in therapy.

@12345kbm I have a very good career doing something meaningful but I'm sat in front of a laptop all day and I don't think that helps. Hopefully starting this inhouse role will help me get some contact time with people. my career is the one thing that is always growing healthy.

I am looking into having a kid alone at 40 but really dont want to do that and not sure I can afford it.

I could definitely be better on the hobby front and am sorting that out now.

Very helpful hearing from others who've felt similarly but found someone nice. Not so much from the people who say it is hard and will get harder. Although I know that that's true.

Can't afford to travel at the mo with egg freezing.

@TheresGotToBeMoreToLife that sounds really hard. I must admit i look at people with kids and am jealous - even if they're single parents - just because they got the opportunity to have them, and also because it is company even if not all the time. But I fully understand it makes dating more difficult. There's NO shame in being a single parent. It's really unfair society makes you feel that way.

@Onceuponatimethen were you single at my age? If so that does make me feel more hopeful...I just worry everyone thinks I'm desperate for a kid. Which i guess I am! But it seems to put many off.

Yes totally

I was desperate for kids

Basically I decided I would have a baby by myself if I hadn’t met someone by age 38 and that helped me feel like I had a plan! I then just ruthlessly did OLD and went on a lot of dates - basically a numbers game

Then I finally found someone who was stereotypical boy next door type who also wanted kids and who I got on well with and rest is history!!

I used to feel very lonely at weekends so I can really relate. Valentine’s Day used to upset me

But looking back my older dsis did much better at this than me - she again quite deliberately cultivated a large group of friends- she said if you are single you need a wider group to keep your social life up. Then she organised things weeks ahead so she nearly always had something on every weekend. She arranged cinema trips, festivals, travelling to see friends from other parts of the uk. Wish I had done that!

She’s also met someone and had 3 kids!! Started her family at 38

That's very inspiring!! I used to be great before I was 30 at having a thriving social life but it's honestly been 5 years of trauma and i feel broken. Maybe it's better to just go out and have fun again instead of feeling like I need to stay home and 'heal' for some indeterminate amount of time

I think that would be a plan Starting

I think sometimes distractions are helpful. My dsis treated it almost like a work project - actively made sure she kept in regular touch with quite a lot of people and planned stuff in ahead with great regularity. Maybe you could today at yourself some targets

Eg:

I will message 5 people today

I will get at least one social event in the diary out of this

Sorry today set yourself some targets