Very, very lonely and sad

[StartingAgain33]

Hi all

Recently single, at 35, and feel like my prospect at having a family is running out very quickly.

I'm also pretty traumatised from a VERY difficult five years or so which has featured betrayal, death of my favourite person and also a transition to freelancing for three years which I now realise is not helping as I spend so much time at my kitchen table (I'm now going inhouse part-time, which should hopefully help).

I do think I'm a pretty sociable person naturally but the last few years have isolated me and given me no time or energy to pursue new friendships. And weirdly, at 35, I think I feel like a saddo trying - like everyone this age is now settled in with their friends and partners and if I look like I'm making an effort I'll be branded a weirdo.

Alongside this, all of my friends are partnered up and weekends seem to be basically be for them to spend time with their husbands or families, which leaves me feeling very, very lonely and just ruminating on what has gone wrong / how I'm messed up and not as good as everyone else.

And even when I do see friends, I feel like they pity me and just want to give me something to do. I know that's destructive thinking, and it probably makes me quite shit company. I feel like I moan too much and just have no joie de vivre left.

I'm actively trying not to date at the moment as I feel like I've used men to fill a void a bit and that it would be good for my confidence to know I don't need them for that. Also, the general advice seems to be that you need to be in a happy and healthy place yourself to find a good relationship, although I have a read a couple of posts from people who admitted they were lonely and sad before they met their DHs, so maybe this just is what humans are like when they're alone?

Do you have any advice for not blaming myself for being alone on the weekends? I think shame really adds to the feeling of isolation.

And do you have any stories of hope, of being a similar age and actually rebuilding your life in a positive way? Of finding new friends and of also finding a nice partner to settle down with?

Thanks for listening.

My dh left when I was 35, and i went out party, had a brief fling and fell pregnant within 6 months. My advice would be to date and have fun for 6 months. If nothing happens consider using a sperm donor. Don't worry about how it looks to the outside world, just be 100% focussed on yourself and your happiness.

Try OLD seriously and make it clear you're looking for marriage from the first date.
Rock the look and appear perfect. See eharmony advert women. It's a pretense to put on, like a role.
Try to not let this screw up your MH. But honestly it's how it works. I feel like I'm the only one to tells the truth on here.
It's what they have all done. Happily marrieds. Or at least the vast majority. Try to get this done before 45yo esp if having kids.

did you have lots of success before 35 with getting into nice relationships? And did you see a drop off at 35?

Yes.

Now people are married or time wasters.

That sounds shit @myume - where do you live?

London

I'm currently talking to a guy that I should cut off. He barely talks to me anymore. Has suffered depression and says he really likes me but is just struggling.

At 40...I dont cut anyone off that I like and there may be some hope