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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel fundamentally broken. I don't know what to do.

27 replies

MyEyelinerAndMe · 15/02/2020 20:27

I am 32. I've never had a boyfriend, never held hands, never had anything beyond a second date. I have been quite laid back about it all for a few years because I thought it must happen for me soon. I have friends and I work in a busy environment. I have regular hobbies.

Obviously, it has never happened and recently it's all that I can think about. I'm so unhappy and so lonely. It all seems so overwhelming and all I can think about is this being it. Is this me for the rest of my life?

It sounds so silly and petty but I went to a colleagues' mum's funeral and I noticed her husband turning to check she was ok. No one ever checks on me to make sure I'm ok. I don't have anyone to talk about my day with or ask about theirs, never mind look out for me.

Sometimes people ask me and I just laugh it off because I think if I were to even start to talk about it, I would completely and totally break down. I'm so ashamed and embarrassed of everything. I don't know what to do or where to start.

OP posts:
Sumsuch · 15/02/2020 20:32

Op
Are you good at reading cues?
If you're busy, active , have hobbies.... are you reading the cues when people are interested?

Original poster
MyEyelinerAndMe · 15/02/2020 20:34

No one has ever been interested.

OP posts:
bigchris · 15/02/2020 20:36

Have you tried online dating ?

Original poster
MyEyelinerAndMe · 15/02/2020 20:37

Yes, on and off. There were two men I really liked and I found it easy to chat to them, but one moved for work and the other ghosted me.

OP posts:
quietlyspoken08 · 15/02/2020 20:41

It will be really scary and daunting but I think pushing yourself to, for want of better words 'put yourself out there' a bit more will do you the world of good if you want to meet new people

I've been trying to do something every week that scares me a little to push myself into embracing life more and feeling more alive.

You are not alone with your feelings, and once you start believing in yourself a bit more great things will happen.

Original poster
MyEyelinerAndMe · 15/02/2020 21:44

I feel very, very alone. It is becoming too hard to believe in myself.

OP posts:
quietlyspoken08 · 15/02/2020 21:56

Really sorry you're going through this. Do you have any family members you could reach out to and explain how alone you feel? From personal experience I have had someone very close to me feeling terrible about themselves and their future and we were all completely oblivious. As soon as she spoke about it she felt the weight was lifted.

Original poster
MyEyelinerAndMe · 15/02/2020 22:01

My mum is desperate for me to meet someone nice. She worries about me. I don't want to burden her any more.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 15/02/2020 22:18

What's your relationship with your mother like? Do you feel emotionally responsible for her?

Original poster
MyEyelinerAndMe · 15/02/2020 22:20

Not really Confused

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 15/02/2020 22:28

Your post above seems to suggest you consider your mother's upset at you being single to be requiring more care than you feeling "broken".

A functional parent child relationship wouldn't operate in that direction.

Complex family of origin relationships can affect an individual's ability to make romantic relationships work later on.

florababy84 · 15/02/2020 22:31

That is really hard OP. If you're brave enough, getting back into online dating could be good. It really is a numbers game at this stage. The more you meet the more chance you have.

The ghosting and general painful behaviour that you inevitably get with some is manageable with a bit of humour and support from friends or here on Mumsnet in the online dating discussion groups.

Original poster
MyEyelinerAndMe · 15/02/2020 22:33

I was taking a break from OLD because I couldn't see the humour in it any more. Maybe I'll try again soon.

OP posts:
Sweetandawfulsour · 15/02/2020 22:33

I’d give online dating another bash, not for romance or relationships but just to dip your toe in the water.
Do you mainly do solo hobbies? Could you put yourself out there a bit and strike up conversation with the next person you like the look of?

Original poster
MyEyelinerAndMe · 15/02/2020 22:44

I'm going to a French class so conversation is quite easy there, but no single men under 60.

I try and go to park run as often as I can but the men are all insanely macho types and I'm afraid of them.

I like going to the gym too, but no one talks to anyone else.

OP posts:
Jesskir89 · 15/02/2020 22:48

Op can a friend set you up?

Shoveoff · 15/02/2020 22:52

Have you considered that there might be some sort of social communication issue going on? X

Makeafamily19 · 15/02/2020 23:00

I know you feel alone and I completely understand, but don't feel you are the only one in this position, it is quite normal, people just don't talk about it. This was me and all my friends when I was 25. None of us (5 of us) had ever had a relationship, sex or even a kiss. We are all very shy anxious people. I know you are a bit older but even now (we are now 31/32) I'm the only one who is in a relationship and married. One of my friends has still never kissed someone.

I think it is very difficult in this day and age to meet potential partners, everyone seems to have their little groups. It is such a sad, lonely place and my heart breaks for you that you feel no one checks on you. I'm sure you have lots of people that care for you, your mum obviously does. You probably just don't notice them checking on you.
I met my husband at work, we were friends first and he plucked up the courage to ask me out when he left for a new job.
I would say you have to create opportunities to meet new people rather than just expecting something to change. When I started my job I said yes every time someone invited me somewhere (even if they were only being polite), so say yes more, even if you don't really want to. Do you have a friend that would go to the pub or some bars with you? Maybe go to a class and learn something you are interested in and you may meet someone with similar interests? This would also help with the loneliness. I agree with persevering with online dating, loads of people meet online now, or singles events?
Most of all, please don't give up hope, as that is what keeps us all going.
I'm sure your mum just wants you to be happy, with or without a partner. So don't worry about her, focus on making yourself happy ❤️

Original poster
MyEyelinerAndMe · 15/02/2020 23:02

I am too embarrassed to talk to my friends and be honest Blush Sad

I know that I don't know how to flirt. I'd look ridiculous if I tried it. I'm not bad at small talk though, and I'm usually a cheerful person.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyEyelinerAndMe · 15/02/2020 23:04

Thank you for such a lovely post makeafamily. Sniffling away like a madwoman here.

OP posts:
Makeafamily19 · 15/02/2020 23:17

I just hope I made you feel a bit better, I know what it feels like, I spent a lot of my 20s crying thinking I was some massive weirdo! Honestly don't be embarrassed talking to your friends, they must be nice or they wouldn't be your friends! I'm sure they would only be supportive, even if they are surprised you haven't mentioned it before. You will probably feel like a weight has lifted if you talk about it. Are any of them single?
Also I wouldn't worry about flirting, I don't think most people can actually flirt! I know I can't, I'd feel like a right twit, you just need to be yourself and if they don't like it, they obviously aren't the one for you!

Scott72 · 16/02/2020 00:09

There would have been guys who were interested. However contrary to what you might believe few guys are going to ask you out without being reasonably sure you're interested in them first. But by the sounds of it you're shy and aren't good at flirting? Unfortunately that gives the impression you aren't interested and most guys will respect that.

user1471449295 · 16/02/2020 00:27

I think it’s highly likely you have had interest but not picked up on the signs.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 16/02/2020 01:09

Are you a dog person? Having a pet relieves loneliness and gets you out and about regularly. Even if you are shy about approaching people, people will approach you when you are with a dog and start chatting. Instant icebreaker!

TinklyLittleLaugh · 16/02/2020 01:19

Ah OP my god daughter is just the same; 28 and never had a boyfriend. She’s pretty, petite and blonde, good job, own home.

DH doesn’t put herself out there though and she’s very picky. Also a little bit socially awkward.

I think she just needs to got on old, have lots of dates and give people a chance. Maybe you should too.

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