Don't know what to do... just need to share..

[Cloudbubbles]

This is hard to write. But I need to share this as I feel quite alone and don't know what the right thing to do is. I feel like I'm failing.
My DS 13yo is asking, almost begging, me to leave DH.
It's a long story and a bit complicated. But DH "blows up" a couple of times a year. Normally aimed at me. But it's been aimed at my DS twice in the least week.
I want to try and settle things down so we can go back to normal. But I've been shaken by how my DS feels.

He blows up at your son - you know you have to leave, dont you? Can you explain what's keeping you from doing that? x

Well 13 year olds can be hard work.
But basically you need to leave your husband.
13 is the thin end of the wedge. If your husband blows up with him now then trust me, he’ll be exploding more often as your son gets bigger and more argumentative (as they do)
Every woman deserves better than to live with a volatile man. And every child. So it’s hard, but you have to leave.

I kind of know know that. But everything is fine most of the time.
I don't really know what I should do and I'm worried it'll get so much worse.

This is very worrying, what exactly is happening? Things must be very bad for your ds to feel this way. I think you need to put him first.

It depends what you mean by blows up.
If he is violent, leave.

It used to be at you.

It used to be a couple of times a year.

Now it's a couple of times a week.

Now it's at your son.

It's pretty obvious what will happen if you stay - it will get a lot, lot worse and a lot, lot more frequent.

Leave. Now. Don't waste time waiting for the inevitable.

Has he ever hurt you or DS, OP? Would he go on an anger management course - or does he refuse to admit there's a problem?

It wont go back to how it was. This is how it is.

What do you mean by blowing up?

If your ds is asking you to leave, it must be scary and very bad.

Papering over the cracks and pretending everything's OK is not going to cut it.

Do you mean shouting/rowing? Or are you referring to physical violence?

You must put your child first. It's not a common thing that children beg their mothers to leave their fathers - the fact your DC is doing this shows how extreme the situation is.

Why don't you say what actually happens when he 'blows up'?

Leave.

Do the Freedom Programme.

Always, always put your children first and never more important than with an abusive partner

I think the op needs to clarify what’s going on before everyone assumes it’s abusive.

Teenagers can be bloody unreasonable about being told they can’t do what they want/decide they hate their parents/want to move out.

Yes, 'blows up' could mean breaking down in tears for all we know. It means nothing.

I don't think that a 13 yr old should be telling his parent to leave. The parent should decide what is best for herself and the child.
Is the DS the DH's son?

Ok @Cloudbubbles you say 'my' DS does that mean your child from a previous relationship?

You have a DH. You have been managing the 'blow ups' for 'years' which have been aimed at you. Did these blow ups center around your DS? 'You don't discipline your son' Or was it 'You are a lousy wife'
Sorry to ask such pointed questions OP I don't want to upset you.
Biologically there is a whole lot of testosterone coming into the house now your DS is 13. That is a whole fighty/dominance/Alpha male thing.

The boy is starting to assert himself and the adult male is feeling challenged. This happens.
They will both be looking to you to support/back up each of their point of view.

Tbh I don’t think there’s enough detail here to give an objective opinion.

The OP says he blows up towards the thirteen year old, this could mean that he shouts because the thirteen year old is being a bloody difficult teenager.

“Blows up” does not automatically mean he’s abusive or that the OP needs to leave.

If the OP is more passive towards her DS and the DH is more likely to shout that could explain the ds telling the OP to leave.

Teenagers are hard work. They’re unreasonable, unmoving and they lash out emotionally at anyone and anything who doesn’t let them have their own way.

But shouting at a teenager does not equal abusive behaviour, so OP really needs to clarify before the ltb/do the freedom programme brigade start chanting.

Is he the father of your DS

I was in a similar sounding situation, however I hope it's not.

My ex-husband was bullying his son. I thought about throwing husband out and threatened to do so if he didn't change his ways. I also thought that my son was safer if husband stayed in the house and I knew about the situation and could keep it under control. It didn't get any better and I soon realised the damage that was being done to my son. My son did not feel safe in his own home. It was a toxic situation.

Fast forward two years (almost divorced) and children see their father every other weekend. Ex is a much better father now probably because he doesn't have to deal with the day to day work of raising kids. However its better for him, and it's certainly better for the children.

I hope you and son are ok. Feel free to message me separately if you want to speak.

Why are people telling her to leave when they don’t know what ‘blow up’ really entails. If he’s violent then yes I would get rid but if he loses his temper that can be worked on. Find out what’s causing him to get so mad. We all lose our temper at times. Everyone on here is so quick to shout abuse and tell women to leave fuck sake!

@restingbitchface30 i think I the clue is in the 13 year old begging his mother to leave the father?!
That’s not so normal generally.

Leave. Simple as that.

13yos can be a pain in the arse. I can remember my parents reading me the riot act many times over my teenage years. We need to know what a blow up entails, and what prompts it, to give useful advice.

There's a big difference between him shouting, with some justification, and him slapping your son or raging over a trivial thing.