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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Torn. Do i dont i?

26 replies

Unnamedguy · 15/02/2020 04:51

So ive been in a relationship for 9 months next week. Known her and been good friends with her all my life. Honestly from the bottom of my heart love her more than i could ever describe. Weve been bombarded with every relationship challenge since we got together and still strong.these including arguable infidelity (conflict in opinions over whether it was or not). i really want to let it go but it wont get out my head! In my opinion i should have left buy phsycally cant imagine being without her.
Weve booked wedding and i really really want it but im scared beyond belief and dont know why
Shes just fell pregnant while on the injection and same again it makes me sooo happy but still has me scared.
My heart trusts her but my head doesnt and i feel awfull for it.

OP posts:
TheBlueStocking · 15/02/2020 05:26

If you are feeling like this, I suggest you don't get married. Being married doesn't make your insecurities go away.

I think either some couples or individual counselling and possibly ending the relationship may be wise. Relationships are not supposed to hurt.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 15/02/2020 05:33

Honestly. You will be a father soon, it is naturally to be apprehensive, this is uncharted territory for both of you.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 15/02/2020 05:34

... but yes, it may be a better idea to postpone the wedding for the time being but bear in mind she may never forgive you for doing it.

othervoicesotherrooms · 15/02/2020 05:39

You don't seem ready for any of this and sound very young but there is a baby on the way now so you both need to step up a bit.
Talk about your issues, drop the small stuff and focus on the big stuff. Make a plan for when the baby arrives.

Flutterbybowers · 15/02/2020 05:42

Your relationship is still very new. And you sound very worn out.

I don’t think you are compatible if being together is creating so much drama.

I’d end it now and work on parenting the baby separately.

MsDogLady · 15/02/2020 05:44

What was the ‘arguable infidelity’?

Toomanygerbils · 15/02/2020 05:48

9 months and you are now to become a parent and marry after infidelity? How sad ☹️

Toomanygerbils · 15/02/2020 05:52

is the child 100% yours?

joystir59 · 15/02/2020 05:58

'Arguable infidelity' needs to be defined before anyone can help you here.

Kirkman · 15/02/2020 06:14

So 9 months in you are getting married and having a baby?

Even if the last 9 months had been perfect, it's far too soon for all this.

With all the problems, I would leave. If she decides to keep the baby, you can be good parents without being a couple

Absolutely do not get married. It's a disaster waiting to happen.

legalseagull · 15/02/2020 06:26

You want to be forced for the rest of your lives right? So what's the rush???? You need to think about the child now. So far the relationship sounds like a bit of a whirlwind car crash tbh. Delay the wedding. Save the money for the child

Original poster
Unnamedguy · 15/02/2020 09:10

Between the 2 of us its number 7 lol

OP posts:
Original poster
Unnamedguy · 15/02/2020 09:12

This is a post i asked for advice with the issues.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3779286-Cheating-please-help

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 15/02/2020 09:13

Seven children? No way should you get married, especially as it's a new relationship anyway! It's going to get unbelievably complicated. It's not compulsory to get married, you know!

ChristmasFluff · 15/02/2020 09:33

She acts badly, and yet always has you feeling sorry for her. You probably don't know, bubt according to Martha Stout in 'The Sociopath Next Door' that's the definition of a sociopath.

And now she's accidentally pregnant, after fast-forwarding you into an engagement and booking a wedding

Survivors of Sociopaths on facebook will show you how to predict her next moves.

MashedSpud · 15/02/2020 09:43

Your update in the linked thread is very worrying.

If you feel that stressed again consider seeing your gp. Nobody is worth hurting yourself over.

GinNotGym19 · 15/02/2020 09:52

I really wouldn’t get married unless you’re sure. Not to say it won’t work out but divorce is ridiculously hard and expensive.
I didn’t really 100% want to get married but did it anyway, we had been together over 10years. We broke up less than a year after the marriage. You can’t divorce until you’ve been married a full year so we’ve actually been separated longer than we was actually married for.
It’s a very expensive, long drawn out, difficult process to get a divorce and soul destroying!! I’m sure the process has made us hate each other even more than if we had broken up not married.
I’m only warning you because I massively regret getting married and no one ever warned me how difficult it is to get a divorce!

Original poster
Unnamedguy · 15/02/2020 10:44

Mashed spud i have sought medical attention however im not as bad. It just infuriates me how i want to be us better and i want to let it go but it keeps creeping back into my head.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 15/02/2020 11:17

fell pregnant

Do people really think that way? As if it just happened, without any input from them?

Original poster
Unnamedguy · 15/02/2020 11:39

Oh no u misunderstand. Im happy but scared. Was a shock considering she has depo injection. Sounds crazy but id literally set myself on fire to keep her warm

OP posts:
Pirateladyarrr · 18/02/2020 05:35

I didn't know you could get pregnant while on the injection

Weffiepops · 18/02/2020 05:52

9 months isn't long enough to know someone well enough to want to marry them. You're both rushing into parenthood without creating a stable setting for the child- admittedly unplanned. Postpone the wedding and get some couples counselling.

WhereShallWeMoveTo · 18/02/2020 06:04

Okay. based on the other thread I’d say:

Are you 100% sure it’s even your baby?

I would be very wary of getting into a serious relationship with someone who does a lot of sexting with random people while they are supposedly in love with me. In fact sexting with randomers full stop is a pretty addictive activity indulged in by people who I imagine find fidelity quite hard. Do you want to spend the rest of your life having to police this and not being able to trust her? It might be nothing to worry about but at the moment it’s just too soon to tell.

I’m always a bit wary of women who say they got mysteriously PG while using birth control properly. I know it can and does happen, but in my opinion the majority of women who say they were using BC properly when they got PG are liars and many of them always hoped/intended to get pregnant.

Not saying this is her necessarily, but I don’t think you know her well enough yet to call it. I would not marry this woman yet, it’s too soon and I would not assume the child is yours at this stage.

WhereShallWeMoveTo · 18/02/2020 06:14

Okay just seen the last post on the other thread. What a mess. Not ideal for a new baby on any level but I suspect it would fall on deaf ears to plead for some common sense here. I don’t know what caused your episode but you seem very unwell and I do hope you are getting the right sort of help. Id say please don’t go ahead with the wedding just yet, although frankly if she is determined to go ahead with the baby in what are quite alarming circumstances then I guess a possible disastrous marriage on top of that is the last of anyone’s worries really.

thickwoollytights · 18/02/2020 06:15

Honestly from the bottom of my heart love her more than i could ever describe.

But you don't trust her Confused