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Original poster

partner buying underwear for valentines day knowing full well I hate my stomach

41 replies

ejebusport · 14/02/2020 15:57

My partner has bought me some lovely gifts today but I feel like absolute shit.

One of the things he got me is an underwear set, I told him I was going to buy something special to wear for valentines night so he thought he would get me something himself and save me the trip out. The good intentions were there so I don't want to sound ungrateful.

I have diasis recti, wrinkly loose skin and stretch marks after having my two children, aged 2 and 9 months. I'm in proportion, size 10-12 depending on where I shop but my stomach is a train wreck.

He isn't put off by my stomach which is great, but it bothers me and he knows this very well. I'm nowhere near ready to embrace it. I hate it being touched or looked at. It is absolutely off bounds.

I was going to buy a nice chemise or something similar that while sexy, covers my midriff, what he has bought is a two piece underwear set, which in itself looks very pretty but I'm absolutely not comfortable wearing it.

I'm sad because he knows me better than to think I would feel comfortable wearing something like this. We had a conversation recently about how I will be choosing something pretty that covers my stomach.

I can make myself look "sexy" without displaying the thing I'm most insecure about. Let me tell you now, it will not be a pretty site. I don't care if he thinks it's sexy, I do not, and it's how I feel that I care about.

What do i do here? Wear it and make him happy whilst making myself miserable?

Tell him I'm not wearing it and make him feel bad?

This is a huge problem for me, being expected to "show off" my biggest insecurity. I feel like crying.

His intentions were good, but he hasn't thought of me at all.

Fucking Valentine's day Sad

OP posts:
Peignoir · 14/02/2020 16:00

Jeez Louise. Crying over a piece of lingerie? Get a grip. Simply tell him you're not comfortable wearing it and throw on whatever you've bought.

Windmillwhirl · 14/02/2020 16:00

Maybe he did think of you. Maybe he hates the way you hate that part of your body. Maybe this is his way if saying get over it, in a sweet way. Your body made his children.

I think you need to start loving yourself more.

ravenmum · 14/02/2020 16:01

Wear nothing and make him feel randy.

Original poster
ejebusport · 14/02/2020 16:02

I wish It wasn't such a hang up, I'm not remotely proud of being so depressed about what childbirth has done to my body.

Sadly I'm not alone and I know that plenty of people feel this way post childbirth, so I don't think I'm being totally unreasonable to be sad about it.

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 14/02/2020 16:02

Can't you wear the bra and knickers and throw on the kind of thing you meant, on top?

Dozer · 14/02/2020 16:03

He did think of you. He hasn’t done anything wrong.

You don’t want to wear or keep those items, so you could thank him and explain that you wouldn’t wish to wear them and would like to exchange them for something else.

Original poster
ejebusport · 14/02/2020 16:07

I'm not mad at him, I know this is about how I feel and he had good intentions. He doesn't see my stomach as a problem so didn't think twice about choosing something that would show it off.

But he knows me, he knows I wouldn't feel comfortable. That's what has bothered me. He knows full well I wanted to choose something that I'm comfortable in.

I don't like feeling pressured to embrace something that quite frankly depresses me Sad

First world problems I know.

OP posts:
Babdoc · 14/02/2020 16:09

OP, you are quite literally navel gazing here! It’s rather self obsessed to be quite so bothered about what a small portion of your body looks like.
Surely it’s time to get over this, and be delighted that your DH loves you as you are? Being in an intimate relationship with someone means being completely relaxed and confident with them, knowing that you love each other regardless.
The coming years will bring wrinkles, grey hair, sagging body parts and possible arthritis and chronic illness. Will you eventually have to hide your entire body in a sack?!
Wear your lingerie, flaunt yourself with confidence and enjoy a passionate Valentine’s night celebration with the chap who not only loves you but has a damn sight more sense of proportion than you do! Best wishes for a fab night.

Dozer · 14/02/2020 16:09

Just tell him he got this one wrong and swop the stuff!

I had similar hang ups myself after having DC. Suggest focusing on self care!

TryTry123 · 14/02/2020 16:10

He did not listen to your needs. I understand where you are coming from. Maybe he could try the outfit if he is so into it!

Peignoir · 14/02/2020 16:11

Don't wear it and tell him you have a a surprise of you own. It doesn't have to become fiasco. Granted, it was a mistake but I wouldn't allow it to ruin the day. Bigger picture - you have a man who is willing to embrace you for who you are, which is more than what a lot of women on this site are receiving. It could have been a light-hearted mistake.

BobbyBlueCat · 14/02/2020 16:13

Poor bloke.

Nowayorhighway · 14/02/2020 16:15

Poor guy, he just wanted to do something nice for you. I’d put money on him not giving a shit what your stomach looks like.

ravenmum · 14/02/2020 16:19

Seriously, open the door wearing just a bathrobe and don't mention the underwear. If he asks where it is, tell him you didn't want it to get ripped in the frenzy. He will not be sad.

You have a small baby and are knackered, hopefully he will give you a lie-in tomorrow and you'll feel better.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 14/02/2020 16:19

I'm similar to you OP in my dislike of my stomach.

My husband doesn't see a problem with it.

It is hard to feel sexy when you hate a part of you being on show.

Tell him how you feel and exchange the underwear for something that will make you feel good x

ravenmum · 14/02/2020 16:19

What other pressies did he get? :)

PermanentTemporary · 14/02/2020 16:21

I do have a different view, to other posters, I sympathise as this is the effect of the male gaze in society and women needing to see themselves as attractive before they can imagine feeling sexual. Not ideal but we have to make love in the world as it is. My dh bought me a pair of knickers that I still dislike because they cut across the exact largest and ugliest area if my stomach. It feels a bit like saying 'YOU may hate it but I like it so put out'. I accept entirely that wasnt his intention.

Tbh as a very poor communicator I would gush crazily over his gift and then never mention it again and buy myself something I liked (lovehoney has the most amazing chemise with a built in bra, it's the holy bloody grail and makes me feel like,erm, dancing at any time. If you want I'll post the link).

bonzo77 · 14/02/2020 16:24

I’m with you. You were absolutely clear about what you wanted. He didn’t listen at all. It’s quite unkind of him. Your body, your hang ups, wear what you want. Rather surprised at some of the responses above.

TreatMyself · 14/02/2020 16:24

Can’t you just ask if you can exchange it for something you would be more comfortable wearing?

Original poster
ejebusport · 14/02/2020 16:25

I thanked him and looked enthusiastic when he gave it to me because I felt bad about rejecting the gift. He's the type of person who will feel deflated if he is told he has it wrong. He was excited to give me the gifts and said he hopes I love them.

I'm likely going to end up wearing them just to make him happy, but I'm secretly hoping they don't fit so I have a valid excuse not to.

I'm chuffed with my other presents and feel lucky to have been "spoiled" this year, but it's just this damn underwear.

I'm not over exaggerating the damage childbirth has done to my body, I have the stomach of a woman in her 80s and I'm 26.

There are things he has done previously that have contributed to my insecurities and impacted my ability to feel comfortable but I don't want to derail the thread or for people to think I'm drip feeding by elaborating on that so just wanted to stick to the basic facts of this topic.

I envy anybody with a stomach like mine who feels able to let loose and not give a damn. I'm going to work towards getting there myself.

OP posts:
Dozer · 14/02/2020 16:29

Your wish not to wear them is a valid reason not to. Why are you prioritising your H’s feelings over your own?

Cheeseandwin5 · 14/02/2020 16:29

I think what you have to realise is that whilst you may be unhappy with your body, he obviously sees you are sexy and hot.
Maybe he just wants you to see yourself as he does.

RositaEspinosa · 14/02/2020 16:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TwitcherOfCurtains · 14/02/2020 16:34

Buy a waist nipper shapewear. This is this one I have, it's fantastic and feels very smooth. I like it as it's just for the waist. (They are not knickers, just a girdle thing).

partner buying underwear for valentines day knowing full well I hate my stomach
ravenmum · 14/02/2020 16:35

Normally I'd suspect that @RositaEspinosa, but in this case OP specifically said that she wanted to buy sexy underwear. He thought he was getting just that.