Does anyone else not have any friends as a couple? Am feeling quite sad about this.

[saddo]

Feel quite sad and embarrassed about this (hence the name change) but me and Dh don't really have any friends

Dh doesn't have any friends at all - apart from his team mates that he plays his sport with and he never sees them other than at games and never sees or socialises with them outside of the season.

I do have friends but they are not close friends - most of them I have made through work and don't really see them all that often.

I have one close friend at my current work but don't see her that often outside of work.

I am quite envious of couples who are friends with other couples and go round to each others houses, have BBQ's etc and even go on holiday together - we rarely have visitors other than family and rarely go anywhere else.

Whilst we are quite happy with each other's company, it does feel a bit 'sad' sometimes when you see/hear about others having friends round.

Any advice/words of reassurance that we are not sad, lonely freaks!

I think everyone is different, and you should aim for what makes you comfortable; if you feel lonely then the situation isn't right. I am an only child and have no aunties/uncles/nephews/nieces. For this reason I have always valued friends and worked hard to maintain a relationship with them...I don't mean that I allow myself to get walked over or have one-sided relationships, but I think friends add a great deal to your life. You do have to work at these things...when you have kids and work as we do, time is short, so remembering to drop an e mail every so often, ringing every couple of months to catch up is important.

As to the point about there being sometjhing missing in your relationship, I think thats far from true. My dh and I live far from family and old friends; he is inj the forces and I was until I left recently. We do not live in forces accommodation, so don't have thew 'built-in' social life that comes from that. We maintain an good relationship with a mixture of old friends from before we met and couples that we met since. We often have people over to stay as we don't live near many of these people, and whilst they stay we have fun and see each other in a different light...it reminds you that your dh is a fun/social/good host...he doesn't need to be the life and soul, perhaps he is good with someone else's kids or is quiet but funny occasionally.

I have been divorced previously, and I can honestly say that it is a lifesaver to have worked at maintaining friendships because it can be pretty lonely otherwise. Having your own friends is important, and having friends that you both like is good as well. You have to make the effort and invite people...it can just be for a drink and a pack of peanuts, you don't need to spend money.

What a ramble...in summary; each to their own, but beware of curling up in a ball with only each other and the kids....life has a nasty way of surprising you and you may wish you had someone else to lean on at some points.

Just one thing that seems a little strange on here is this concept of 'couples' doing 'coupley' things with other 'couples'. Aren't people actually individuals, or have I missed something here?

Surely the point is you don't make friends with couples, you make friends with people. E.g. DW makes a new friend through a NCT, she invites her and her bloke round to ours for a few drinks. She gets on really well with the other girl. I don't mind the guy (well, he likes football so that's okay!) but he's not going to be my best mate anytime soon; the girl's probably more of a laugh than she is. They've been round a few times though and we'll keep on seeing them because it's fun, we have stuff in common and the two girls are good friends now.

In the original post you say you are "envious of couples who are friends with other couples". I never ever think of us as having friends who are "couples' - I think of us having friends who are part of a couple (god, slight overuse of the word 'couple' here). I think of say, Dave, who's a great mate from uni, who I watch footie with, who's going out with Amy, who seems cool and gets on okay with DW - they don't love each other but they can spend time together fairly happily.

All I'm saying (I think) is don't beat yourself up about this concept of "couples being friends with couples" because I'm not sure that actually exists. If you're worried that you don't have friends at all, then I guess that's a different debate.

We have been married 23 years and have only ever had 1 set of friends that only lasted 2 years, we have nobody as couples, and my dh hasn't any friends, works alone so doesn't meet anybody to get friendly with, I make an effort but I only have 2 friends, 1 I see often the other 3 times a year!

But!!!!!!!
We have tons of family, although we keep out of their way also!

BORING (Howard & Hilda) without the matching jumpers!

"I have my friends, and dh has his friends.

We have not yet found a compatible couple whom we both like equally (but not bothered either)" like Handlemecarefully!!!!

the difference being that I'd never try a holiday with another couple as I am sure either Dh or myself will want to kill and barbecue them both!!!

if you are a saddo so are we.

sometimes we have dinners and they are quite pleasant but all in all we are very happy by ourselves and with our own mates. When I am with my friends I either want to speak about more girly stuff, and slag DH off a bit, or go out with fellow italians and speak my language in peace, so not much fun for DH.
when DH wants to go out with his handful of mates he wants to talk blokey stuff and laugh at the same old jokes.

madamez-

my dh and i are not hermit social rejects who spend all day and night holed up in our house gazing into each others eyes, well, we are now because we just moved to a new place 200 miles from our old house, but thats irrelivant.
before we moved we used to go down the pub where we knew people, did pub quizzes with them, went out for meals with old school friends and family, went on shooting days with the locals etc.
we just don't keep anyone really close anymore because of what our friend did last time, who as it happens, was my life long friend from 6 yrs old who i trusted and loved very much and she totaly stabbed me in the back because she couldn't bear it that my dh rejected her and chose me, and started a hate plan to split us up. who is going to let people that close again after such a betrayal?

Well, pippi, we went on holiday with my mum and gran a couple of weeks ago, and putting aside the fact my mum and I don't generally get on and it was an attempt to heal differences, it was a bloody nightmare!!! We both always wanted to do different things but they always wanted to be with us. I couldn't go on holiday with another couple.

Well I have an active social life (weekly dance class and performances and lots of socialising goes with that - which is good because most of the soical events are child-friendly. I also have a variety of mates from before having DS, and see them reasonably often (and am currently v happy at having got back in touch with two old mates who had their DD 18 months before I had DS, so we can hang out together sometimes and do kid-friendly stuff yet with people I genuinely like).
Now this may have something to do with the fact that I am blissfully single and therefore seek out adult conversation BUT on the times in the past when I had anyone I was seeing for more than a week or so, I generally wanted to socialise and take them along at least as much as spending time indoors. My friends are a mix of couples and singles (and I do see some of DS dads friends sometimes, as well, though they tend to bore me).
It is a matter of each to their own, but I still think it is inadvisable to be too desperately insular in your couplehood because you never know what might happen.

see horsey woman we did a week in italy with my mum and MIL and it was surprisingly great! mind you both my mum and MIl are fab and always take DD to give us space and very easy going (esp MIl who was in a different country etc). will do it again. but but but they kind of knew their place IFSWIM and the fact that one of the reason they were there was so that DH and I could have some time on our own (they do not live close to us).

having said that we did enjoy our second week on our own as you know your family rithms and habits.

other couples I do not know as I would not be able to bossy any of them as much as I can do with my mum [evil emoticon]!!
also other people kids might not be your cup of tea either. it is nice when you meet couples there so you take what you like and that's it.

gow I sound really awful and grumpy!!!

Most of my friends are also DH's friends. Couples and singles. My closest 'me' friends all live away.

madamez-

did you read my last post? we are only insular because we moved to a new county and havn't even finished sorting the house out yet. in time we will make new accquaintances(sp?)

if dh died tomorrow i would move back to our old town where my family is and where all our old pub buddies are.
we are just not the type who likes to have the demands that close friendships put on you, endless phone calls, constant interuptions for a cup of tea and a chat etc.

the friends we used to have were the type where you would stop and chat if you met them in town or who you would see if you went to the pub but who were quite happy if you didn't see each other for a month or so, as they had their own busy lives to lead just like we do and that is just how we want it.

oh I am very fond of my pre-DH pre-DD friends and they are scared.

no not scared... sacred I meant!!!! [dumb emoticon]

froozy, I am with you. I have loads of close friends, but they are all dotted around the country (I moved around as a child and we've all been to uni/got married). I have some friends here, and it happens that my best school friend moved not far from here with her job, but we don't see each other often. It might be once a fortnight or every three weeks. And I'm not the type to get into having friends just for social reasons. I have my friends at the stables and we go out for a meal about twice a year; we have friends at uni/work and we'd have the usual annual/biannual get-togethers. But I'm not and never have been the sort of person to go out and get blotto every Saturday night. That's not saying I don't go to clubs (have been part of a salsa class), but if spending time with your OH is insular, then so be it. Call me daft, but I thought loving being together was part of what makes it last. Of course, to make it last you do need time apart as well, whether alone or with friends.

Don't feel bad for your social situation. Everyone in this life is different and not everyone places so much emphasis on how well liked they are or how much extra-curricular fun they can have without their partners.

I do see madamez's point, though. If anyuthing happened I would either move closer to other friends or make new ones through joining more clubs.

Foorzy, hadn't seen your second post before my last one, IFKWIM. But anyway: I think you might find in time that you will want to have more friends, cos it's probably not a great idea to judge everyone by one former friend's bad behaviour. I imagine that perhas you'r e still a bit raw after the fall out with your former friends.

Thanks to MN yet again for reassuring me I am not a complete weirdo . I have a slightly different situation in that my DH Hhas loads more friends than me. They are mostly part of a big group whom on the outside appear to be all smiles, shared holidays, popping over to each others houses, etc. However, underneath its far from that. Loads of group politics abd back stabbing going on. I used to feel and outsider to their happy littl arrangements until I got an inside view and saw what was really going on. These days I see people at parties, etc (about twice a year) and its nice to catch up but thats it as far as I am concerned. DH has a big and expensive social life and he sees them more so I just let him get on with it. Alot of these posts have made me see its hard to replicate the types of friendships you see portrayed by other people/media etc simply because life gets in the way. I have a couple of close friends and a virtually non existent social life but that seems the norm. . If DHs group are anything to go by we are not missing anything!

We don't have any friends. We have the socail life of a leper. We were invited to a bbq a few weeks ago. That was nice. We have had 4 couples over to dinner in the last couple of years and never been invited back.
Starting to wonder whether its my Bo or vaginal discharge on their sofa, that is the problem.

I feel so much better reading this thread...

DP works from home, and has two friends who he see's occasionally, i moved to be with him so am trying to make new friends here.

I used to have a dinner party lifestyle, then got divorced and found out who my real friends were. I have close friends from uni but they live far away. My sister is my best friend, but she lives far away.

IMHO people move around so much these days that they have close friends scattered all over the place. I would love to have someone close by to go out and have coffee with.

But, i think that i am very lucky to have found someone who respects and loves me. LO is due in a few weeks and i am sure that in the future we will meet people. Just takes time. When i moved here i was very lonely, having moved far away from friends and family. I go to Yoga once/twice a week and i have forced myself to speak to people. Am at the 'Hi, how was your week' stage but hopefully i will meet up with one or two of them soon.

I just try being generally friendly to other mums in parks/ at DDs nursery. Nothig more than superficial chit chat but thats good enough for me for now. Its reassuring to know I am not alone in being alone!