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Original poster

Does anyone else not have any friends as a couple? Am feeling quite sad about this.

68 replies

saddo · 03/09/2007 20:08

Feel quite sad and embarrassed about this (hence the name change) but me and Dh don't really have any friends

Dh doesn't have any friends at all - apart from his team mates that he plays his sport with and he never sees them other than at games and never sees or socialises with them outside of the season.

I do have friends but they are not close friends - most of them I have made through work and don't really see them all that often.

I have one close friend at my current work but don't see her that often outside of work.

I am quite envious of couples who are friends with other couples and go round to each others houses, have BBQ's etc and even go on holiday together - we rarely have visitors other than family and rarely go anywhere else.

Whilst we are quite happy with each other's company, it does feel a bit 'sad' sometimes when you see/hear about others having friends round.

Any advice/words of reassurance that we are not sad, lonely freaks!

OP posts:

ebaldy · 03/09/2007 22:20

Hi your not a saddo with no friends, me and my DH use to feel the same but we have just moved and now have to try and make friends. We have done with our neighbours by inviting them round to our house and then we get invited back. It is hard to do but we ahve found it easier as our oldest is now in school so you make friends there too. It does take time but I have had to make the effort and now I find I talk to anyone I think that makes me a freak!!

CrookshanksinJimmyChoos · 03/09/2007 22:21

I have the same problem...DH and I tend to socialise with our own friends rather than together....but that's because his friends and their wives annoy the hell out of me...they visit, eat all my food, dump in my toilet and don't spray.....and the wives don't seem to notice their men are dumping machines....

Pah!

Dumbledore's girl - don't be lonely - I'm not far from you you know!

FrayedKnot · 03/09/2007 22:29

Not sad, probably quite normal I think if this thread is anythi ng to go by.

DH and I sued to have two "couple" friends - both now divorced

We also had friends we saw as a couple who I worked with, they knew DH well as had worked in the same place for nearly 10 years.

Then we moved two years ago and now we have NO friends in common at all.

I have friends at work, whom I socialize with about once a month otehrwise I would have no social life. Dh has no social life at all (although does have "friends" at work, doesn;t actually see them outside of work) - his choice.

I'm also slwoly getting to know one or two of DS' nursery friends parents (he's 3 so it's early days yet)

DH & I get to go out together about 3-4 times a year, usually this is on our own, because it is usually a birhtday / our anniversary.

DumbledoresGirl · 03/09/2007 22:35

I ought to add that I do have friends - I am not some weirdo - but they are old friends, mainly from school days. Come to think of it, one of them has been to stay (twice) in the last 2 years.

Most of the time, I don't think about it as I am happy with dh and our children. I do wish we could give one dinner party just once though - just to see whether I could pull off the catering!

GodzillasBumcheek · 03/09/2007 22:41

I ought to add that i don't have friends and I am a wierdo

emkana · 03/09/2007 22:46

This thread has made me feel a lot better, I got quite depressed earlier after reading the "dinner party" thread, thinking how everybody is having these amazing get togethers...

glad to see there are other dh's who don't really have any friends, dh is happy just seeing workmates at work, not outside work, he's close to his brother and has one other friend, and that's it!

florencemum · 03/09/2007 22:47

in fact i have no friends not in a couple. my sister is my best friend and otherwise i have one childhood friend who lives far away. All the rest are couple friends.
My dh is no longer so interested in his childhood friends and would rather spend time with our couple friends. and i am wondering if that will be a problem for me down the line

florencemum · 03/09/2007 22:47

florencemum · 03/09/2007 22:49

but the bottom line is that there is a huge group of 'friends' here who spend all their time together, their houses are like central stations with firends and children running in and out all day. holidays, bbqs and all. for a while i was a little envious of this however every time i went to these parties i felt like an outsider. then my dh and i found two couples who became our friends and thats who we spend our time with when we want to be with other people

sheepgomeep · 03/09/2007 22:55

dp plays darts also and gets pissed every tuesday when he plays.

Its a bit complicated as he still plays in the same team as his ex's dad and brother and are all very friendly ect as I was with his ex and her sis in law (who happens to be my ex's cousin.

But we got backstabbed a few weeks ago his ex regarding the kids and its had a knock on effect. Especially for me.

Now I see no one and he only socialises at darts.. no more barbecues or friends staying over. feel quite sad about it.

can't be arsed any more.

sheepgomeep · 03/09/2007 22:57

no emkana dinner parties seems to be a very eighty things to do. I've got fond memories of my parents and friends throwing dinner parties for each other and my mum rolling down our hill to our house pissed as a fart afterwards

loobylooby · 03/09/2007 23:00

I am glad that you brought this up because its exactly how I feel. DH is antisocial so has few friends, I work full time so don't have much time to see the friends that I do have, and all my closest friends have moved to far and distant places so I rarely see them. Took some time off during the summer hols and felt incredibly lonely since I saw no-one for several weeks. DD was in same boat and equally lonely which just compounded my sadness. Did begin to wonder what was wrong with me so am reassured to hear that I'm not the only one! Discussed it with a collegaue at work today and she reaassured me that to not see anyone for weeks on end during the summer hols (even when people are not away) is not unusual and has happened to her so felt a bit better after that!

handlemecarefully · 03/09/2007 23:16

I have my friends, and dh has his friends.

We have not yet found a compatible couple whom we both like equally (but not bothered either)

We tried a holiday recently with another couple and their daughter. I am good friends with the mum...it was awful. Dh wanted to kill and barbecue her husband

LaCod · 03/09/2007 23:18

i think tis dhs issue

madamez · 04/09/2007 10:06

I did read something not too long ago about a couple-dating agency. No no, calm down, it was billed as very emphatically NOT for swingers. I think it was started by a couple who, having moved to a new area, were short on friends and found it difficult to go out and make new ones. THe idea is that couples who would like to socialise with other couples can sign up and get introduced to people near them without coming across like mad stalkers in the park or supermarket ('Hellooo! Will you be our friends?').

I have no idea what the agency was called but it might be worth a Google. Of course, those of you with antisocial male partners have either got to persuade your partners to change (not easy - after all, if a person doesn't want a social life, why should they have to have one?) or build a social life as an individual (which is healthier anyway).

kerala · 04/09/2007 10:09

Although look on the bright side - you have children and most of you have DH/DPs. I feel sorry for people who are single and dont have friends or family - that must be very very hard.

An older chap in my grandmothers village put a notice outside his house saying he was lonely and did anyone want to come and have sunday lunch wiht him. My eyes fill with tears just typing it!

accessorizewithbabysick · 04/09/2007 12:40

if you are saddo, saddo, then lots of us are based on this But just depends if you're happy with it or not - I think it just seems to be accidental whether you have couply friends, but finding friends on your own or ones for your children is up to you to some extent.

I'm not terribly happy with my setup, I don't think we're sociable enough and I was concerned that ds1 particularly needed more company of his own age. So I've been making big effort to chat to mothers at nursery and elsewhere (although only if I like the look of them anyway!). I've also just signed myself up for a yoga class but I wanted to do it anyway, it's just I've met people in the past via that. I got quite lonely on maternity leave and made me realise if I wanted things to change I had to change my outlook and be more 'inviting' and interested to make more friends!
DP has no interest in having other couples as friends, we know a few but there's no way we're inviting them round to dinner! He's quite happy seeing his nerdy mates for a movie or coffee and I do the same tho I don't find i have much time too as I'm either working or have 2 kids in tow. We spend quite a bit of time with a couple of joint friends or our families and that's it for most of the year!

HorseyWoman · 04/09/2007 13:36

You are definitely not a saddo. Presumably you want friends, want to go out and if you could be bothered to mix with people who annoy you (which who can!?) then you would have loads of friends. So you are not a saddo!

This is something I think about periodically... whether we have enough friends. Only one of my friends (best friend) turned up to my wedding. But I had only been in school up to that point, oh and worked in a small office (3 people) for a year. The two girls rom the office, one was a bitch and the other didn't want to take her daughter. I had lived in Wales and moved to and married in Somerset, so most friends had gone to uni/on holiday or couldn't/couldn't be bothered to travel. I also have a small family so my side of the church was not very full. But his side of the church was packed with his small family, his mum and dad's friends from over the years and both our horsey friends/his college/work friends. It bothers me sometimes, and others I think the ushers should have used the list we gave them and put our horsey friends my side!!! They are both our friends!

Anyway, off the point. Everyone has casual 'friends' that you meet in your different walks of life. We have friends at the stables and friends at work/uni. Some people at the stables are very close but they are also a lot older than us and the younger ones of us tend to keep ourselves to ourselves. But we all know we are friends because we help each other out, go out for meals now and again... My husband has friends from his last work who he doesn't really see anymore but occasionally phones, and friends from his current work who we see at parties for each other and xmas meals, phone them etc. We have a close couple friend who we met through horses, but we don't go out, we occasionally eat at each other's houses. They are twice our age! We have another lot of couple friends who we have got closer to recently because he has been going through a very hard time. They have kids and we don't. We have two other horsey couple friends who we might not talk to one year to the next and rarely eat with each other etc, but we could phone each other (they have both moved away over the years), and pick up where we left off.

I have one best friend who I have been friends with since school, and still have contact details for all my old school friends. I get on with everyone, online and in real life (or try to), but I wouldn't socialise with even a small fraction of them, not often anyway. I enjoy spending time with DH and picking and choosing my engagements. I don't want to be held down to every Saturday night on the town, or every other weekend at someone else's house! But if I have kids, I have people I would love as Godparents, and if I am stuck I have people to turn to.

You will have that, too. You just won't realise it when you are dwelling on the fact you are always in the house or don't do the things other couples seem to do. My old nanny boss was a bit like this - three or four couples went round to each other for dinner parties etc. But my bosses spent their whole time trying to impress the others. No life IMO.

Just be happy. If you have a good relationship and children, you already have more than many people!

HorseyWoman · 04/09/2007 13:36

PS, if you are worried about your children getting company, have you thought about playgroups etc? Some of the friends I made recently were through the regular playgroup I took my charges to. Other nannies and stuff.

HorseyWoman · 04/09/2007 13:38

kerala, that's actually made me tearful and I don't know the guy.

froozykins · 04/09/2007 13:39

Yoy are not sad, i would say you are sensible not to have any close friends.

"Friends" tried to break DH and myself up, tried to seduce him away from me and just generally tried to ruin our lives together, so we just cut off all of them and have been happily friendless for 5 years, we have friends, but of the sort where you phone them up 3 times a year to see how they are.

i have also seen the impact of so called friends on other peoples relationships, jealousy, interfering(sp?) and general busybodying and ruining their happy relationship.

madamez · 04/09/2007 14:01

froozykins, your post sends shivers down my spine. I think it's profoundly unhealthy to be so couple-obsessed that that you reject contact with other people: what if one of you drops dead? Ok so that' rare but far more likely that one or other of you will start feeling stifled and want to go out more: no one individual can meet all another person's needs for entertainment, companionship, etc.

kerrykatona · 04/09/2007 14:04

only read op so far but yeah i am the same as you, couples come along every so often but we always end up drifting apart again.

bubblepop · 04/09/2007 14:14

your not a saddo luv, just like me and everyone else around here by the looks of it!

i know lots of people to chat to, and one or two mums from school/toddler group, we get together now and then when we feel like it for a cuppa.its nothing regular really. to be honest,i don't think id enjoy all that coupley socializing that some people do of a weekend and evening. firstly,im not as well off as some couples i know so i'd feel that if i went to their bbq, eventually id have to have one in return, with equal amounts of food,booze, etc. my house is'nt the right set up for socializing,my lounge is small(no where for everyone to sit)i hav'nt got expensive garden furniture like they have, and we could'nt afford to go on their type of holidays even if we wanted to. im quite happy with dh's company, just us as a family. i know one friend of mine who thinks that its weird.
me n dh went to a bbq a few weeks ago and sat there the whole time feeling like out siders even tho neither of us is quiet or shy. we sat there listening to them talking about what reg their car's were, how much their houses were worth, and where they were going on holiday.(boring) . we couldn't wait to leave!
one friend of mine (fab friend) always seems to be entertaining people,always socializing,dinner parties etc, always seems to go away on holiday with other couples that they know. dh says there is something missing in their marriage, otherwise they'd be happy with their own company.it'd be interesting to see if anyone posts who has a busy social life and what they get out of it.

RGPargy · 04/09/2007 14:20

My DP has about 3 or 4 mates that he sees regularly, normally by going up the pub with them. But they are all single so i have to either go along and feel like i'm intruding or stay at home.

I have 1 or 2 close friends, who i see very little of. One doesn't have a car so it's always down to me to go to hers or pick her up and bring her to mine. Mostly i cant be bothered to do either. The other i haven't seen in years but we're still close and can pick up where we left off when we last saw each other.

Other than that, the only people i socialise with are work people, and when i say "socialise" i mean have a chat with at the vending machine or when they pass my desk etc.

Sounds pretty normal to me!

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