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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

No commitment 7 years on.. 2 children later

50 replies

Hxmac · 14/02/2020 04:26

Hi, ive been in a 'relationship' with the father of my children for 7 years but no exclusivity no dates not a single picture of us together.. nothing he wont even come to the local park with me when i take our children. Im not even bad looking and i think im a nice person who deserves once in a while to be shown off and made to feel nice. I am contemplating leaving for good. Can anyone suggest anything that will make him give me an explanation on why hes been like this or make him want to change?? I feel so stupid.

OP posts:
Toomanygerbils · 14/02/2020 04:44

Has he met your family, have you met his?

Patienceisvirtuous · 14/02/2020 04:45

Could he be married to someone else?

rvby · 14/02/2020 04:48

I'm sorry.

The thing is, you can't really "leave" since there is nothing there to leave, is there? You two arent in a relationship.

I understand the impulse to want to know "why". But what will you do with that "why"? That's assuming he would even be able to answer the question. He may not know why, in particular... he may just not have wanted anything serious, but wanted to keep having sex and company, and two kids came along by the by (sounds awful but some people dont think about things very much). He may see the children as yours, not especially his. Etc.

Would it be better for you to just take control of this situation regardless of his "why" or lack thereof? Do you have friends and family to.support you? This guy isnt your friend, I dont think. You need to chat to others about this, stop seeing him/sleeping with him, and start building your own life...

Original poster
Hxmac · 14/02/2020 05:02

Ive met his family and hes met mine, we live together but thats it. He wont have me ln his social media either wont even like a pic of his own kids let alone me. I feel pathetic but ive fi ally had enough.

OP posts:
icklekid · 14/02/2020 05:08

So you live together, it’s your 2 children and don’t date but he isn’t exclusive so presumably he dates other women? Does he bring them to your shared house? How often is he out? If your Are not happy with current situation, and I can totally understand why you will need to give him an ultimatum...

Ozziewozzie · 14/02/2020 05:14

What’s he like towards other people, ie friends, women, parents? Is he generally a bit detached when it comes to relationships?
Irrespective of the answer though, you really ought to leave him. I feel for you I really do. I also feel for your children.
If you left your partner, you’d actually be removing the void from your daily lives, as opposed to creating one.

CoffeeRunner · 14/02/2020 05:20

This sounds more like a friends with benefits arrangement than an actual proper relationship. Although unusual in the fact you live together & have two children together.

Is he totally uninvolved with the DC? How did you two living together come about? Was it a mutual decision, or was it due to a certain set of circumstances (one of you needing somewhere to stay etc)?

TBH it sounds pretty soul destroying.

Rainbowqueeen · 14/02/2020 05:23

You’re not stupid at all

But you do deserve better. Can you start making an exit plan??
Do you work? What is the set up?

I know it must hurt but please believe he won’t ever change and you will become more and more miserable. Better to get out now and start living your life.

Best wishes

category12 · 14/02/2020 05:43

Can anyone suggest anything that will make him give me an explanation on why hes been like this or make him want to change?.

The explanation is that you allow this to go on and he has zero motivation to change it. He has everything he wants - lives with you, has kids with you - while you tolerate this frankly bizarre situation for years and years. If you make yourself a doormat, of course he's going to wipe his feet on you.

The answer to it is firmly in your hands, stop being so ridiculously passive about your own life and your needs.

stellabelle · 14/02/2020 06:02

You've let it happen for 7 years, let yourself have two kids with him, let him live with you when he has no commitment . If you want things to change it's up to you really. Personally I'd be leaving and living my own life .

tallulahhulah1 · 14/02/2020 06:23

When you say living together is his name on the tenancy/mortgage?? Does he pay his half of the household bills? Does he do the fair side with his kids?

I wonder because if he isn't even contributing to the house are you really living together?

You can see what is happening here and the light is screaming at you to get out and see what this truly is. A partnership is a commitment and if having kids by this man hasn't even got him to be exclusive then nothing will I'm afraid. I really hope you find the strength to leave this situationship

CorianderLord · 14/02/2020 06:29

What the fuck? He won't come to the park and has never taken you in a date? Why did you have children with him?!?!

He'd be out. You don't have to be married, but he has to be seen with you and interact like a man with children and a girlfriend otherwise you're just a breeder for him and he's likely fucking other people.

Sadly I'm not sure you'll ever get the enthusiastic father/husband you want from him as clearly he doesn't want that from you.

When men love and want to be with a woman they make it very clear very easily.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 14/02/2020 06:45

He sounds shit.

But it doesn't sound as if he's suddenly become shit - he's always been like this for as long as you've known him! And yet you've chosen to live with him and chosen to have two children with him and chosen to put up with him living exactly as he wants to live? I mean, if you're only now questioning it and even now only "contemplating leaving for good"...you need to start to genuinely believe that you are worth more than this.

Kittensinmysupper · 14/02/2020 07:00

If you keep doing what you do, you will keep getting what you've got !

Change !

Be the controller of your own life. If he doesn't think you are 'good enough' to be his life partner then stop providing all the benefits without the commitment. He doesn't deserve companionship, family life, food cooked, washing done, clean home, sex etc . He can go and live somewhere else and you will slowly start to repair yourself esteem.!

In a few weeks you will be asking yourself why on earth you put up with that behaviour for 7 hours let alone 7 years.

Original poster
Hxmac · 14/02/2020 10:28

He claims to love me, says hes not with anybody else, its my house everything is in my name. He has zero involvement with my children, might echo me if the kids dont listen occasionally washes up. I have been begging him for something, you know just something to show he cares i thought i might of got a happy valentines as my eldest who is 6 said it to me this morning but he didnt utter a word. We rarely have sex and if im honest i dont want to, it doesnt feel the same anymore. I just dont see him leaving if i asked him to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hxmac · 14/02/2020 10:32

Everybody else sees him as this fun cool have a laugh friendly guy. Im tired of watching him give his time so freely to everybody and anybody else while im the boring afterthought a blanket if you will..

OP posts:
TigerDater · 14/02/2020 10:45

For goodness sake OP this is completely bonkers. You have to get rid of him to find yourself and have a life. Can you talk to anyone about the process for getting him to leave? Woman’s Aid? CAB? Your poor children must be so confused, wondering who this boring cocklodger is in their home.

TheStuffedPenguin · 14/02/2020 10:47

Ask this person to leave today . There is more to life than this for you and your children .

KatharinaRosalie · 14/02/2020 10:51

WTF. This is not a relationship. Kick him out.

JKScot4 · 14/02/2020 10:54

Does he contribute financially?

TwentyViginti · 14/02/2020 10:57

Weirdest set up I've read on here. You have a lodger sperm donor, not a partner.

Notcoolmum · 14/02/2020 10:58

Eh?! You live together and have 2 children but aren't exclusive?! How did that happen.

Throw him out and start the claim for CMS.

SwishSwishSheesh · 14/02/2020 10:58

What now? Is this for real? Not exclusive after 7 years and two children whilst living together?

Sorry OP but this is wrong on so many levels... Were you like 14 or something when you got together and groomed you? Because no functioning adult can be so clueless!

ChuckleBuckles · 14/02/2020 10:58

I just dont see him leaving if i asked him to

Why ask him though? You would be Telling him to go as he is not engaged emotionally with you or the DC, he is living a half life with you all and only doing the bits that he wants to on his terms, he does not make you happy so it is time for him to go, it is not optional he does not get to decide "nah, I am staying" and you have to put up with it .

AlwaysOnAbloodyDiet · 14/02/2020 11:02

Very bizarre.
Has it crossed your mind that he's seeing someone else and pretending to be single?