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Original poster

How much contact with his ex is too much?

28 replies

Turbotastic · 13/02/2020 22:12

Asking for advice as I don't have much experience with friendships with exes as I've either lost contact with or actively avoided talking to all of mine! Not sure if my perspective is skewed because of this.

Bf and I have been together a few months. Everything is going swimmingly but he is still in quite a lot of contact with his ex. They broke up before we got together, no cheating or anything dramatic on either side, just lots of arguments between them and a long period of time (several years) of things not being good. They are just fundamentally incompatible as people and have broken up several times before the last time.

They have lots of mutual friends in the same 'group' and still hang out together as friends as part of the friendship group. They were never married and have no kids together but still see each other fairly often as part of the group.

I'm starting to get really irritated by this but at the same time I would feel unreasonable and controlling telling him he can't hang out with her anymore, so I haven't. I feel that would be my own insecurities and jealousy rearing it's ugly head and that if I trust him (which I do) then it shouldn't be a problem. On a logical level that is.

On a emotional level I just really want him to not see her anymore. No problem with him hanging out with his friends but just wish he didn't have to do it with her! It's not every time by any means but ANY times is too many in my mind when they have no ties to each other.

God, I'm rambling now and winding myself up! Am I just being a dick?

OP posts:
LouisaJenny · 13/02/2020 22:26

I don’t think you’re being a dick.

I’m actually good friends with an ex. We split up for fairly similar reasons to the above. He’s now in a new relationship and I’m single. We do things together, and with his DD as we were close. I’ve asked him a few times if we should stop, now that he has a new girlfriend. He says no. It really is just platonic and we are so much better as friends.

Have you talked to him about it at all? Maybe just chat through your thoughts with him.

LouisaJenny · 13/02/2020 22:33

Are there any kids involved? In my situation I probably wouldn’t of stayed friends with my ex if I wasn’t as close with his DD as I am.

Original poster
Turbotastic · 13/02/2020 22:36

I'm struggling how to vocalise my feelings without sounding like a bitch about it!

I just feel like there's some boundary issues - but how on earth can I be pissed off if his ex is running an errand for him or if he picks something up for her? So I'M the only one that's 'allowed' to help him out with things? That absurd! But I can't help it, I AM bothered by these things. I also know that she still loves him and did not want them to split up. So obviously that doesn't help.

He says he loves me and that they will never get back together but it's hard to believe that when they don't have much distance between them. Maybe I'm just overthinking everything!

OP posts:
Original poster
Turbotastic · 13/02/2020 22:37

@LouisaJenny no, neither of them have kids. That was one of the reasons they broke up because she wanted them and he didn't.

OP posts:
Seasalted · 13/02/2020 22:37

If it was on their own then no but as part of a group that's OK and can't see what you can do about it. Surely if you continue the relationship then eventually that group including her will become your friends too? You might even like her. If you can't get beyond this then you'll have to move on. Sorry.

LouisaJenny · 13/02/2020 22:40

Oh that is so tricky.

I think sometimes people really are just better off as friends. I suppose it comes down to if you really trust him and what he is saying is true.

The fact she still has feelings for him is difficult. Did he tell you that? How often do they see eachother and is it ever just one on one time?

Seasalted · 13/02/2020 22:40

Oh if she still loves him and he knows it I can understand how you feel. However unless he suddenly becomes broody I don't think you have anything to worry about. If you want dcs however then I wouldn't stay with him as you will be wasting your time.

Seasalted · 13/02/2020 22:42

Have you met her OP?

Original poster
Turbotastic · 13/02/2020 22:46

I had thought about that too @Seasalted, eventually I will hopefully meet all his friends and maybe she will be there. I wouldn't mind that so much, in a group scenario, although it might be a bit awkward. I have nothing against her though. Haven't met her yet.

I have met some of them but we aren't very open about our relationship yet as he is worried she'll be upset if she finds out. He knows she still loves him and he doesn't want to hurt her feelings. At the same time he wants to move on and be happy.

Neither of us want kids, that's one of the things that's great about our relationship is that we are both totally on the same page about that!

OP posts:
greenkit · 13/02/2020 22:47

Do you go out with him and his friends, when she is there. What is the dynamic like?

LouisaJenny · 13/02/2020 22:51

How long have they been split up? He really should tell her. I wouldn’t like that at all OP.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 13/02/2020 22:58

No I wouldn't like that, infact I would probably break up with him because of it.
The fact they have split up several times before is a bit concerning. In my mind I would think there would always be a chance they might get back together.

SandyY2K · 13/02/2020 23:01

I understand how you feel and it would make me feel uncomfortable tbh. I wouldn't vocalise it as I don't want to appear jealous, so I would make up an excuse to end the relationship.

I'm not good at raising such issues in a relationship and I don't see why I should be uncomfortable in my relationship. Chances are that she'll always be around in some way and considering they were together for several years...I'd be thinking the attraction can always surface.

I had an Ex BF who was friends with his ex...that wasn't the main reason I ended it, but my view is (or was back then in my early 20s) that I had many options and didn't need the additional issues he brought to the relationship.

MsDogLady · 13/02/2020 23:42

..we aren’t very open about our relationship yet as he is worried she’ll be upset..

This relationship would not work for me. Their boundaries are too blurred. She is still in love with him; they are together frequently; they do favors for each other; he hides you. He is not really distancing himself from her, is he?

LouisaJenny · 14/02/2020 11:03

He’s putting his ex before you OP. Move on.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 14/02/2020 11:14

He's being massively unfair to his ex if he knows she still has feelings for him because he's stringing it out so she can't move on. He doesn't give a shit about hurting her feelings, it's all about having his ego stroked. I'd be very wary about dating a man like this.

ComtesseDeSpair · 14/02/2020 11:28

I think it’s fine for him to remain friends with her (and I really wouldn’t take kindly to a new boyfriend telling me who I could or couldn’t spend time with) and when there’s a friendship group and mutual friends it’s not as easy as just cutting contact without also making friends feel awkward about having to take sides and potentially losing friends; but he needs to be absolutely clear and open with her that he has a new girlfriend, that they won’t be getting back together and that she’s to stop “running errands” for him in anything greater than the capacity she’d do for any other friend.

The “running errands” and picking things up for him sounds like he’s stringing her along a bit to be honest. I can’t think of the last time I needed a friend to run an errand for me, it’s certainly not a regular occurrence that would explain why he’s having her do it for him all the time.

NameChangeNugget · 14/02/2020 11:36

Mumsnet is beyond belief sometimes.

I’ve just read a thread which is virtually the reverse of this and the advice is totally different.

He’s with you OP, that’s all that matters

MikeUniformMike · 14/02/2020 13:56

You need to meet her in a group setting.

Original poster
Turbotastic · 14/02/2020 14:19

These are my issues with the whole thing:

We aren't open about our relationship

They haven't managed to achieve a full physical and emotional separation from each other

She still has feelings for him

He feels terribly guilty for breaking up with her even though all the mutual friends and them know it was for the best. He feels like he comes off as the bad guy in it all so I think that's why he's doing anything he can to soften the blow, including running around doing stuff for her and not telling her about us.

Trouble is, I think I'm doing that he is actually hurting her more in the long run. How is she going to feel when she finally does find out? Surely it's better for her to be hurt in the short term but at least be able to get over it and move on? Those feelings of hers won't just disappear on their own if they are still in each other's lives so much.

Other than that it isn't my place to tell him who he can and can't be friends with. That isn't up to me. I just want him to put me first and to be confident and feel sure that he won't go back to her.

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 14/02/2020 14:48

He hasn't split up from her emotionally. There are 3 people in your relationship. I'd move on.

ComtesseDeSpair · 14/02/2020 15:39

You need to tell him that - that you get they’re going to remain somewhat connected as and through friends but you won’t put up with him hiding that he’s in a new relationship and treating her like anything more than an ordinary friend. Tell him that things need to change or you’ll be walking (and mean it.)

I have a very wide, multi-connected social group of friends with some very intertwined overlaps in it and the nature of it means that you really can’t be precious at all about having to see and talk to your partner’s exes (or your own) at social events and gatherings because that’s just the way it is. But people are very mature and adult about it (indeed, many people are actually very friendly, two of my closest friends are my DP’s exes) and very clear that when relationships are over there’s to be no blurring of boundaries.

Your boyfriend doesn’t sound as if he’s willing to put those boundaries in place and in your position I’d probably end things to be honest.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 14/02/2020 16:03

he is actually hurting her more in the long run. How is she going to feel when she finally does find out? Surely it's better for her to be hurt in the short term but at least be able to get over it and move on?

To be frank I wouldn't waste too much time worrying about her feelings, when he shows so little care for yours. Nobody suggests there's anything wrong with a group friendship, but this clearly goes a long way past that

No doubt he's thoroughly enjoying playing off not one but two women who are in love with him, but maybe it's time to think a little more of your own needs?

Nowayorhighway · 14/02/2020 16:19

I think he’s still in love with her tbh. Most exes just cut and run if children aren’t involved, they certainly don’t still hang out together and maintain this level of contact. The fact they mainly separated due to differing views on children makes me think the feelings for one another are probably still there.

I’d end it personally.

MsDogLady · 15/02/2020 05:15

You should never diminish yourself by being someone’s secret.

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