How much contact with his ex is too much?

[Turbotastic]

Asking for advice as I don't have much experience with friendships with exes as I've either lost contact with or actively avoided talking to all of mine! Not sure if my perspective is skewed because of this.

Bf and I have been together a few months. Everything is going swimmingly but he is still in quite a lot of contact with his ex. They broke up before we got together, no cheating or anything dramatic on either side, just lots of arguments between them and a long period of time (several years) of things not being good. They are just fundamentally incompatible as people and have broken up several times before the last time.

They have lots of mutual friends in the same 'group' and still hang out together as friends as part of the friendship group. They were never married and have no kids together but still see each other fairly often as part of the group.

I'm starting to get really irritated by this but at the same time I would feel unreasonable and controlling telling him he can't hang out with her anymore, so I haven't. I feel that would be my own insecurities and jealousy rearing it's ugly head and that if I trust him (which I do) then it shouldn't be a problem. On a logical level that is.

On a emotional level I just really want him to not see her anymore. No problem with him hanging out with his friends but just wish he didn't have to do it with her! It's not every time by any means but ANY times is too many in my mind when they have no ties to each other.

God, I'm rambling now and winding myself up! Am I just being a dick?

He isn’t being selfless he’s being selfish because how he looks and feels takes priority over his Ex’s and your feelings.

He didn’t want to stay in a relationship with his Ex and yet is behaving in a way which will stop her moving on. His ‘relationship’ with you is kept at arms length while he’s getting his ego stroked - urgh what a self absorbed twat.

Move on already.

The biggest problem is that she doesn’t know.

That is horrible of him and horrible on you as he is hiding the relationship.

It’s like they have broken up, in name and sex but still behaving like they are together.

You are well in your rights to end it until he has told her he is moving on and limiting contact.

They shouldn’t be each other’s go to anymore. Friends sure but no longer reliant.

I say this with some experience. My dh and his ex were in a similar place. They were so emeshed even though he had ended it. I am 90% sure she was expecting to get back together.

But then met me and told her straight away that he had met someone. They weren’t together and he hadn’t promised anything but didn’t want to hurt her more so he didn’t distance himself like he should have. It took her a long time to get over it and stop relying on him for boyfriend tasks.

His reasoning, and your acceptance of it, are nonsensical. People don’t get blamed for ending a relationship they don’t want to be in. Not by rational people anyway.

They do get blamed for leading people on, pretending to be single when they are not and for lying.

How on earth is she not going to find out about him seeing someone else if you are meeting his friends.

But in any case her feelings matter more to him than yours. He is making involvement with you illicit and therefore untenable.

Why bother with this nonsense and level of baggage after a few months. Just end it. He’s not that in to you if he won’t tell his ex.