Fed up and confused with the "work on yourself" to attract the "one" advice

[LilMissRe]

Hi everyone!

Apologies in advance if this reads a little rant-ish

As a single mum in her mid 30's I have been at the receiving end of the incessant advice of well meaning friends and family members. I welcome any advice and am generally open minded with new ways of finding someone but it seems that there's a lot of mismatched and mixed messages being thrown at me, through my friends, books, online etc.

For example, the emphasis on "working on yourself" whatever that means or " you need to be the person you want to date" and "like attracts like" (even though "opposites attract") and how can "it" happen when I "least expect it" when at the same time I'm told I need to "put myself out there"? Or "date outside your preferences", "keep an open mind" but "don't settle"

I left a very unhappy marriage a few years ago, went to therapy, made peace with the ending of my marriage, paid off my debts and completed a postgraduate degree, travelled on my own, moved out- did all the supposed "moving on stuff" and got the t- shirt and frankly, worn said t-shirt out. I've dated, but not had any success

I don't know what else there is to work on to be honest, not in pursuit for love (I'm picking up skills and finding hobbies but I'm not using them as a strategy to find someone)

My issue is that I personally do not understand why single women these days are told they have to work on themselves and be the person they want to date when it doesn't feel like everyone else has to ? Why is this a prerequisite all of a sudden?

Are all guys out there working on themselves too and being the types of people they want to date?I personally don't buy it.

I look around at my friends in relationships and I know they have massive insecurities and yet they found their partners three swipes in so to speak.

I strive for personal growth like most of us and continue to reflect and evaluate my life and so the assumption that the reason for me not finding a partner is because I haven't quite worked on myself "enough" seems to say that "I'm not good enough"

My frustration is coming from the obvious lack of success in the partner department. Everyone should strive for some personal growth, I get that but there must be other advice out there for single women that is more constructive?

Has anyone here had the same experience in that they can't make sense of the advice they've been given to attract a partner?

This isn't helpful at all but I completely agree with how in your head you end up equating "work on yourself" to "you're not quite good enough yet" ... that can't be right can it. Sorry I have no better advice, in a similar position to you apart from happily single really. Wishing you all the very best.
Ps a dear old friend of mine once said that she reckoned you could have the perfect situation, perfect timing, etc (not necessarily in terms of finding love) but that in the end you always need a bit of luck really. Which, as I plod through life, seems to appear to be increasingly true. Hope you find what/who you hope for.

I would love to know this answer to this too. A relative told me I shouldn't have any criteria at all with regards to men 🙄. Needless to say I shan't be discussing OLD with her again anytime soon.

I think its probably because you have worked on yourself that you've perhaps become more discerning about who you commit to. You are no longer a three swipes and your sorted kinda of a gal.

I couldn’t agree with you more! I have been told so many times to ‘work in myself’. What do they mean? Do I need to be an all singing, all dancing, skydiving every weekend and fluent in 5 different languages type?

I never know what this means

@Brokenbutgettingtherenow thank you :)
I think you may be right- there does seem to be an element of luck involved

@50shadesoflunacy exactly! not having criteria is how I ended up married to my ex ha ha

@WineInTheSun
I know! The more my friends say this to me the more I think they are just regurgitating quotes like parrots- if I question what they mean, they chuck another saying at me

@Gonetoget
I think you may be right, but then wouldn't that mean that by doing so, I'll remain single, for longer?

I agree lilmiss, when people can't think of anything to say they just say cliches at random. It's annoying but I know I do it sometimes as well, sometimes a dumb cliche is out of my mouth before I even know I've said it.

What happens if you're naturally just boring and like watching TV or something? Does it mean you have to be something you're not?

My best friend broke that advice down to me 14yrs ago.
She said that happy people attract people! If you look happy then others want to be part of all that.
For me this has worked 🤷‍♀️
The ‘work on yourself’ is brilliant advice really. Just get there and be positive

I agree with @Houseworkavoider I'm afraid. - I have attracted far more people being happy, loving my friends, myself, my life. The more you send out love, the more you attract it - (I'm sorry I kind of agree with that sentiment).

Appreciate this may be quite annoying, but it's worked for me too.

hmmm, perhaps- but what if you are, already, generally happy?
I mean, yes, it would be nice to have a partner, but I'm not miserable or unhappy, just a little frustrated and admitted, increasingly impatient with the lack of success in that area.

Surely not every woman or guy out there that is succeeding in this dept is euphorically happy or channel PollyAnna on a regular basis?

Happy Valentines Day all! x

I don't know - I am quite Pollyanna-ish I think. I also believe in law of attraction which I know that lots of people think is a load of rubbish! But it works pretty well for me.

Plus my counsellor says that you can't have a good relationship until you love yourself. Presumably she isn't basing this on "woo" stuff like law of attraction, but there is some basis in science/psychology for that.

I also think that if you want to meet someone, you have to do a lot of OLD really. Very few people meet someone in real life. And you have to see a lot of people to meet someone amazing. But it will happen if you do that.

I have been single and no one has ever suggested any of those things to me. Which just seem like quite trite and meaningless statements from vacuous people. Get some more thoughtful and insightful people around you. Don’t talk about “meeting people” either unless it is what you want to do.

Meeting someone is not difficult because billions of people have done it. Most never actively work on themselves and, hey some are miserable bastards.

I do notice that a few perpetual single people are just too caught up in themselves and their life, hobbies, and existing friends and family. This limits them in meeting new people or finding romance, which does take some effort at any age.

Essentially they are just not into it or anyone new in their life. Potential partners get that very quickly and move on unless they are infested with limerence.

Everyone coupled person I know put in the effort and wanted a relationship. They socialised that want. In other words flirted and invested in other people not just themselves.

I think you just have to kiss a lot of frogs. It’s statistics, the more men you meet the more likely you are to meet one who isn’t a dick. Some people are lucky and meet someone who is a good fit for them quickly, others aren’t so lucky.

I don’t need to “work on myself”. I’m happy, solvent, intelligent, reasonable looking, well travelled and good company. I just need to keep winnowing through the herd to find the guy who fits with me. It’s easier once you work out how to rule out the duffers and move on quickly. I don’t sort by appearance at all as that isn’t a major criterion for me.

“It’ll happen when you least expect it” is the shittest advice ever.
It’s bollocks.
Are you more likely to meet a partner if you
A) Go out lot and try to meet people, go on dating websites, be outgoing and chatty and instigate conversations and actively try to go on dates
Or
B) Keep yourself to yourself and wait for someone to fall into your lap?

I’ve tried B
I’ve had a lot more fun doing A

Exactly what @Home42 said.
Like it or not, it’s a numbers game, it’s just a fact

Houseworkavoider and LettyFisher

I have great friends, great hobbies, great job, I'm out doing plenty of interesting things, meet plenty of people in my social life. I'm very happy. I send a lot of love out.

So, with your theory, can you please explain why I've been single coming up for 10 years and haven't had a date in 8 years?

I totally get your frustration as I used to hate it when people told me this. I’m in the possible early days of dating someone wonderful but that’s not really relevant; if it doesn’t work out with him, I know I’ll be ok whether I meet someone else or not. This is very different to previous men where I felt desperate and it probably showed!

I guess what helped me were some or all of the following (I’d already done enough solo travelling, language learning etc to last a lifetime!):

• Helping people. Volunteering for a charity, mentoring a younger colleague, sewing rescue pouches to help Australian wildlife injured in wildfires, stopping to help someone collapsed on a train platform when I’d have previously left it to someone else. Getting out of my own head and helping others really did help.
• More craft courses that I’m really excited about, not “to meet men”. I even invited some friends to join me!
• A year of therapy. At times I’ve doubted its effectiveness but over a year, I can see how helpful it’s been in making me notice unhealthy patterns and challenge that mean voice in my head.
• Hitting rock bottom just before Christmas when I literally wanted to die. I guess I reached the “fuck it” stage with regards to men as I’ve always maintained it’s better to be single than with someone who doesn’t treat me properly.
• Ruthlessly cutting out negative influences from my life. I had a couple of previous fuck buddies who fucked with my head. They are permanently blocked and will stay that way.

There are no easy answers but I do believe each person has the power to find their own way through this.

That advice is just meaningless platitudes.

What exactly are you looking for?

It's easy to find someone if you don't have standards. Look at all the horrible men, women post about on here. I don't think you want that.

I don't see men working on themselves much unless it's working out. So many still can't figure out how to pick up their socks and wash their cup.

RantyAnty I live alone. I not only pick up my socks, but I wash and iron my clothes too. I even do the cleaning. Weirdly enough, I still did these things when I wasn't single. If there are men who don't do housework, I why the hell are the women putting up with them and not kicking their sorry arses as soon as the warning signs appear?

It does sound like a cliche but it depends on how you view that advice or well meaning words.
I take it that you are mentally ready to be in a relationship?
Not taking baggage from previous relationships, letting go of insecurities or behaviours etc.
All the people I know that are perpetually single claim they would live to meet someone but have various issues. For example one is still hung up on her ex from 11! Years ago. Another is a commitment scared, while another only dates guys that need 'fixing' and refuses to see red flags.
Its hard being single and navigating this and agree about what some men are doing about this!
Another cliche is they come along when you not really looking 🙄

I do believe that if you have low self esteem and don't think much of yourself, it is difficult to find someone else who does.

I've certainly found it to be true personally, when I did work on myself (my self esteem/self respect etc) I found after time, that other people responded to me in a different way.

Not just talking about sexual relationships but all relationships.

I think that's where this is coming from.

I don't think it is about 'working on yourself', it's being comfortable with yourself and making sure you have self respect and boundaries for if/when you do meet someone else.

I've had insecurities ALL of my life (thanks to a narc mother) I've always been in a vulnerable situation when I've got into a relationship - I've had one marriage and one LTR. When I split from my ex LTR in 2018 (he cheated) I was determined to concentrate on myself, this wasn't advice given to me at all it was something I wanted to do. I didn't want another relationship at all and just wanted to concentrate on myself (and my DC of course) but I'm also late 40s and felt my life has always been danced to the tune of other people.

I was having a brilliant time on my own and then met my boyfriend in October last year by a random twist of events. He has been through similar and had cultivated a single life, happy on his own. We both didn't need a relationship at all. It just happened and there is no rhyme or reason to it at all.

My best friend has been on her own for 20 years and has a great single life, but where she falls down is she is desperate for a man to 'be the one' and depends on them to be the answer to all things. She's scared a few off by being too clingy. But that's her.

There is no answer, it's all random IMO.