Fed up and confused with the "work on yourself" to attract the "one" advice

[LilMissRe]

Hi everyone!

Apologies in advance if this reads a little rant-ish

As a single mum in her mid 30's I have been at the receiving end of the incessant advice of well meaning friends and family members. I welcome any advice and am generally open minded with new ways of finding someone but it seems that there's a lot of mismatched and mixed messages being thrown at me, through my friends, books, online etc.

For example, the emphasis on "working on yourself" whatever that means or " you need to be the person you want to date" and "like attracts like" (even though "opposites attract") and how can "it" happen when I "least expect it" when at the same time I'm told I need to "put myself out there"? Or "date outside your preferences", "keep an open mind" but "don't settle"

I left a very unhappy marriage a few years ago, went to therapy, made peace with the ending of my marriage, paid off my debts and completed a postgraduate degree, travelled on my own, moved out- did all the supposed "moving on stuff" and got the t- shirt and frankly, worn said t-shirt out. I've dated, but not had any success

I don't know what else there is to work on to be honest, not in pursuit for love (I'm picking up skills and finding hobbies but I'm not using them as a strategy to find someone)

My issue is that I personally do not understand why single women these days are told they have to work on themselves and be the person they want to date when it doesn't feel like everyone else has to ? Why is this a prerequisite all of a sudden?

Are all guys out there working on themselves too and being the types of people they want to date?I personally don't buy it.

I look around at my friends in relationships and I know they have massive insecurities and yet they found their partners three swipes in so to speak.

I strive for personal growth like most of us and continue to reflect and evaluate my life and so the assumption that the reason for me not finding a partner is because I haven't quite worked on myself "enough" seems to say that "I'm not good enough"

My frustration is coming from the obvious lack of success in the partner department. Everyone should strive for some personal growth, I get that but there must be other advice out there for single women that is more constructive?

Has anyone here had the same experience in that they can't make sense of the advice they've been given to attract a partner?

I’ve been single for years and fortunately no one has ever told me I need to work on myself. I would be insulted if they did. I’ve only seen that as a suggestion on here.

I also think it’s a numbers game. I know someone who did tons of online dating as soon as she was single and was very clear that she was looking for a relationship early on. Within a year she had moved in a guy who lived 100 miles away. Some people didn’t approve as it all moved quickly but tbf she got what she wanted.

I think it's mostly luck. Obviously you are going to increase your chances of meeting someone if you are working and going out, rather than sitting at home watching Corrie, but in all honesty I think meeting a compatible partner is mostly just being in the right place at the right time.

That said, there are some very charismatic people who just attract others, no matter what. But they are exceptional.
If it was down to something you could do or not do, there wouldn't be so many fabulous single women who want partners and so many less fabulous women who are happily married.

The thing is, people who are coupled up are very keen to tell you how they "got it right" and will give all advice, of varying quality. . Do it right = get a partner, do it wrong = don't get a partner. By this logic, if you haven't got a partner, you're automatically doing something wrong. It's a logical fallacy regarding causation (although maybe sentences like that are why I can't get a man). Person A and person B might have followed the same strategies, but if Person A gets a partner and person B doesn't, it's assumed that Person A somehow did it better.

I've been single forever, and I don't think I'm less loveable than the partnered up people I know. That's how it has worked out.

LilMissRe I'm not remotely Pollyanna and I've been married 20 years. I'd hate to be married to a male Pollyanna personality - obviously I wouldn't have married anyone like that, I wouldn't have seen them a second time!

You should be fussy and stay fussy IMO - don't feel compelled to say yes to anyone or give anyone a chance - you don't owe anyone but yourself and your children anything! As a single mum, if your child/ ren are still young and dependant on living with you you owe it to them to be fussy and not introduce anyone who wouldn't be an absolute positive into their lives. Too many single mums settle - the fact is you're life is going well, it'd have to be someone really special to enhance your and your children's lives - don't accept anything less.

I personally think that as you're "putting yourself out there" in terms of lots of hobbies, study, work, not sitting at home "waiting for your prince to come" [boak] you should stop looking.

I've had 3 long term relationships in my life and I met all of them at times when I absolutely did not want to start seeing anyone in the next few months because I had other priorities and no time.

I realise that's hard advice to follow through if you're really keen to meet someone!

You don't need to work on anything except for the attitude that your life isn't complete - if you feel complete, content, self sufficient as you are then the right kind of man will want you - the kind who doesn't prey on vulnerability or desperation but is attracted to an equal partner.

*your not youre

bibliomania you're right of course, it's mostly just fluke It's better to be happy as you are and not meet anyone than to believe that if you only had a partner life would be better though! The first attitude is win-win, the second is an unhappy and unhealthy attitude, and also based on the false premis that couples are automatically happier.

Women certainly statistically increase their lifespan by staying single, while men increase theirs by coupling up...

I agree . Some people are utterly broken but yet still love . It’s luck . There’s never going to be a right time . I’ve been waiting to be good enough to date . I don’t think the day will come .

The best advice I ever read when single was 'it's just luck' and this FREED me from all this nonsense that single women get told

Wow thank you so much for your comments and advice; it really is lovely to hear such different perspectives. There is so much truth in what you all have said and although I know my friends and family will continue to say what they say but I must try and brush it off or change the way I interpret what they say.

I think I'll continue to live day by day, do the things that bring me joy and really try and be mindful. My son is a young teen and I know that in a blink of an eye he'll have his own independent life and perhaps if I channel my energy on just being a good mum for him and a good friend to myself, I may not notice these sayings or messages so much, or at least I won't take them personally like I have done.

xxx

"It'll happen when you least expect it" doesn't mean "You don't need to get out there and look". It just means that life is full of surprises, and you might not have found someone yet, but anything might happen. It's not advice, it's encouragement not to give up hope.

it also means, it happens when you are out doing things that YOU enjoy, concentrating on your own happiness.

It is all about luck, it's about feeling good about yourself and being in a good place mentally. If you've got that, then seek out things you enjoy -and I believe that kind of happiness and self care radiates - and attracts people.

I have to agree with @ShatnersWig unfortunately. In my experience the ability to wash a cup or do housework has no bearing on how attractive you find someone - whether male or female - at least, in the crucial first stages. Quite the contrary, I’ve known a few cases where it becomes attractive because it suggests the person needs “rescuing” or an individual who doesn’t give a damn about social mores.

I think I'll continue to live day by day, do the things that bring me joy and really try and be mindful. My son is a young teen and I know that in a blink of an eye he'll have his own independent life and perhaps if I channel my energy on just being a good mum for him and a good friend to myself, I may not notice these sayings or messages so much, or at least I won't take them personally like I have done.

@LilMissRe ^^ totally the best thing to do! I've got 2 adult DCs and the time really does fly by! And you've hit the nail on the head re: being a friend to yourself. That's the only bit of advice I've taken on board from someone else and it really does help.