STBXDH goes months without seeing the kids, pays no maintenance, was abusive, do I stop contact?

[Brokenbutgettingtherenow]

Hello and thankyou in advance for reading this. My 2ds and I left exh last year due to ongoing abuse. We had been together over 20 years, married nearly 8, and things had got worse between us since 2nd baby arrived. He never involved himself in any of the day to day routines with the children, never had them on his own, didn't work, wouldn't even get up with them once in a blue moon so I could catch up on some sleep. Things just got worse and worse, first verbally abusive, then things got physical and in the end the police were involved and advised me to leave with the boys so I did.
We are far away now and settled in a little house, they're happy and settled in school and have made friends. I have found work that I love and so things are feeling much better than they have in a long time.
The boys father hasn't seen them since before Christmas, didn't bother sending them a card or present, and has since ignored the younger ones birthday (age 5). The boys rarely ask about him and don't get upset about not seeing him, and are happy and settled in our new life. They can talk about him without getting upset or asking where he is, it's as though he is a distant uncle that they sometimes see and they are pretty indifferent about him. Probably this is mostly due to his lack of involvement since they were born anyway and why I am actually finding things easier now that I'm on my own with them, as I've always done everything for them it's just now I actually get peaceful evenings with no man child sulking/criticizing me/ making life awkward/not doing his bit. You get the picture I know lots of you have been or are in this boat.
He has never paid a penny towards his children since we left almost a year ago and hardly ever asks (via email) how they are, what they are up to. Now and again he gets in touch and asks to see them but it just seems so silly as it unsettles the boys and takes them about a week to settle again after they've seen him. When do you get to the point that you cut contact for the sake of the kids, or is that a no-no? The family court seen to put the rights of the father before the day to day security and happiness of the children. Surely it's not fair that a father can suddenly turn up out of the blue when he feels like it and expect to see the children he never bothers with? Just wondered what people thought really. Thanks so much for reading this and in advance for any opinions and advice. All gratefully received .

How come you haven't made a claim through the Child Maintenance Service?

OP said he didn’t work, so maybe he still doesn’t?

To be honest, he's the type of 'man' who I fear would want something in return for it, and I feel that he'd want to see more of the boys if he was paying, but for all the wrong reasons, if that makes sense. Or maybe I'm just being daft and naive.

Do you have an injunction in place?

How does he contact you? Is he just turning up at your house with no warning?

OP said he didn’t work, so maybe he still doesn’t?
It gets deducted from Benefits if he's not in work.

I do have an injunction against him yes, so the only contact is via email. He doesn't just turn up here thankfully but because he will only have the eldest overnight, it means I am ferrying the little one forward and back to a neutral public meeting place which is quite costly for me in terms of petrol and time. Youngest never wants to go now, which I can understand, as the older one is blatantly xh's favourite. It's unpleasant to witness to be honest. Oldest says things like, "daddy tells me he loves me the best" etc.

No way should he taking one and not the other. I’d just say no and I doubt he’d be bothered going through the legal routes to see them. He’s a selfish prick who would probably take great delight in trying to manipulate your oldest.

How were the arrangements made? Were they via a solicitor or through the courts?

It is a non molestation order? What does it say about seeing your ex?

Just cut this loser out of your life

He brings nothing to you and your kids

I’m so glad for you that you got away, but sorry things are so tricky. I would be worried that this set up, with the ex only taking one child, will one day damage the younger child and/or hurt their relationship with each other.

I know it’s not right but I would be tempted to let the contact fizzle out. I don’t know the legal aspect but it just seems that unless he treats them both equally this is going to cause a lot of problems for them both further down the line. Sorry you are going through this OP.

Thanks much ladies for your responses. Its a non-mol yes, granted through the courts at an emergency hearing as he dragged me half way across the country claiming I was mentally ill, an unfit mother and all the other bollocks that I've since learned from Mumsnet is so typical of this type of 'man'.

I feel relieved just seeing your initial response to him as it exactly mirrors my feelings too. I fear that he will try to manipulate the older one and gradually pull back completely from the younger. I know how unhealthy this will be for both children and just feel so uneasy about it. Can I just refuse contact if he won't have them both? It's not really about my preferences, although our lives would be so much smoother here if he just stayed away completely. I just worry about how him disappearing for months then suddenly popping up for a visit is worse than the boys never seeing him at all. What do they say, no dad is better than a shitty dad? So so grateful for your advice. I earn enough for us to manage (simple life, just rent and basic food/bit of petrol to work)without needing to rely on any pittance he throws our way. And I know if he did he would feel he was owed something back, do you know what I mean? This is the kind of person he is. Selfish and so disrespectful especially of women. I didn't see it for years and now just feel so stupid that I let him treat me so badly. Feel so much happier without him in our lives, I feel anxious when I see his name pop up on an email but he is blocked completely on my phone.
Thanks so much for your help with this.

NotStayingIn yes this is what worries me most. The boys are very close in age and they definitely are aware that only the older one stays over. The younger one won't, screams the place down, older one says that younger was left to cry and cry one night and that nobody came. So I don't make him stay over now. Older one happy to stay over. But I think that's mostly because exh takes them to stay at his mum's. He never has them overnight on his own, not ever. Cancels a visit if his mum is away etc. Surely this in itself is ground for letting it, as you say "fizzle out" ... That's what my gut is telling me to do anyway. Many thanks for your opinion it's so helpful to me.

I don't think I'd be encouraging him to have both. That's a lot of unsupervised time where just his words will hurt. If he is favouring one child then do you think he'd be fair to the young one if he was forced to have them

Gather any email evidence that he's not a good influence on them. Start cms (he'll have less income to take you to court)

That's very true actually. I feel my uneasiness has fair grounds now I've read your response. And I must admit, him having one or both doesn't really make me feel very good. He's always been a rubbish dad, never interested. But he gave birthday card and presents to older then shortly later nothing for younger one, and younger one commented on this a few weeks after so must have been on his mind. Which makes me really sad as I have no control over it. Court papers say I have to facilitate access but surely there have to be stipulations of fair conduct from the exh too. It doesn't seem right that he can mess around with their lives/heads like this. I'm worried I'll get in trouble if I stop contact, or that in years to come the boys will blame me. It's so hard knowing what to do, especially as we've come so far since we left in terms of security/freedom/happiness/job/school/nursery. I'm tempted to ignore emails, but would I get in trouble for this? It's so hard to know. Thanks so much for reading and helping me.

What do the court papers say.
Did they take account of your non mol.

What about when he next gets in contact say it's the younger s turn, if he doesn't want both together then they can take turns.

Hopefully put him off, if he doesn't cancel the youngest can come down with d&v

The court papers say he can see the eow, and up to half of school hols. But I work term time so it really irks me that I hardly have any quality time with them in the term, even weekends they're tired/homework/ etc and when it comes to having some proper time together he wants to just swan in and be fun daddy. I know that makes me sound weak and pathetic but he spoils them and then they / eldest comes back all over the place and angry etc. It takes me a good week to get him back and by then the rest of the half term week will be gone. Such wasted energy on such a useless waster who quite frankly could just decide to disappear for good at any time. I wonder if I'm wasting my time facilitating things, I don't like them being treated differently it just doesn't rest well with me. We have enough sibling bickering as it is without this as well. Thanks so much, sorry if I sound a bit ranty. Nobody in the world makes me anxious apart from him.

What does it say about facilitating the access. Are they expecting you to meet up with your abuser, do you have to drive.

Reading the replies from posters, have you decided if you’re going to stop him from seeing the children OP?

Im completely with other posters that it’s not in the children’s benefit. I would construct a log of contact dates and events, including

• date cancelled because his mum was away.
• date birthday present for ds1 & not ds2 and ds2 asking about it a few weeks later
• date eldest said younger left to cry
• all access, contact, refusing to take younger etc.
• Ds1 saying he’s the favorite

And of course no paying, and explain the financial and time strain it is on you to facilitate contact. It needs to highlight very clearly he wasn’t meeting the court arrangements so he looks ridiculous if he tries to get them enforced.

This is to protect you if he protests and show it’s a rational process to decide they are best without contact. You may have to go back to court. Decide a clear, objective reply to his next request, whenever it comes. I suspect other posters can do a better job but something like : having watched the strain on our two children due to your sporadic unreliable contact and the increased alienation of them from each other due to your preferential treatment it’s clear they will be happier and have a better relationship with each other if they don’t see you. When you do have contact it is only because I do all the running. You won’t have either child overnight without your mum to help. You blatantly tell our eldest he is the favorite and won’t have the youngest overnight- I can’t see my boys have to emotionally manage this abuse and neglect any more and won’t facilitate any further contact.

Well the papers say handovers are to be done by either my dad or me. He started being awful with my poor dad who is 70, he would dump the overnight bag at my dad's feet, ignore him, just generally be rude and I didn't want my dad suffering this any longer or my boys picking up on the tension as they adore their grandad and see him a lot. So I started doing handovers but obviously this has to be in a public place eg carpark. I remain civil and falsely friendly for the boys sake but it's hard. He took me to court before Xmas to try to get the order removed but the judge refused. I'm applying for an extension soon and hoping it will be granted for another twelve months. When we got our keys for our new home last year, he somehow (not from me - oldest mentioned daddy showing him pics on Rightmove, is this your new house?) found out our address and left the boys asleep at his mum's (his weekend, one of the only times youngest slept there too), drove directly to the pub over the road from us (45 mum drive from his mum's) and parked up there for three hours. I reported it to the police and they said it was weird and creepy but because he'd stayed the designated 100m away from my front door, they couldn't do anything. But we are on watch so they know to come straight away if any agro. I lost all trust in him for so many reasons so maybe my judgement is skewed with this.
He is seeing the boys next week, wed-sat and I agreed to this but then asked again about plans for the youngest as it's a crazy amount of driving (but don't want him coming near where we live so I drive further iyswim) to drop little one off in the morning then pick him up in the afternoon. That will be four days of it. After all your responses I feel much more confident in my own feelings that this is time now to pull back and stop facilitating things. I think I will just stop replying to his emails and see if he tries to go through the courts. He will have to answer, I assume, the judges questions about why he pays nothing at all and why he thinks it's acceptable to ignore Christmas and little ones birthday. That would hopefully go in my favour in terms of supporting my reasons for keeping away. Many thanks, appreciate your help and advice so much.

Timeisnotaline thankyou so much for your advice, that is so useful and I will definitely do this. Apologies for the cross post with yourself. Can't thank you enough. The responses seem unanimous, that contact or lack of is currently doing more harm than good. Feel like a weights been lifted off me and like I can breathe again. Thankyou, such wise and kind people you are.

I don’t really have any practical advice but I just wanted to tell you that reading your op, it could have been written by me 12 years ago. Word for word I swear.
Only difference is my ex ended up in prison and that is how I was able to stop the contact with the children.
I got a letter from a solicitor saying I had to take the children on prison visits, I ignored it and never heard anything again.
He’s out now but not allowed to contact us and the children are now teenagers and are happy, well balanced people (as much as teenagers can be!) like yours, they never asked for him and never seemed to miss him. Their only memories of him are bad ones of him being angry or abusive towards me.
Anyway, my point is, don’t doubt yourself. You know what is best for your children and you WILL BE OK. All of you.
Sending lots of love and strength

Wow, fiddlersgreen, thank you so much for sharing your story. Sounds like you've been through a lot and so pleased to hear that you and your children are now happy and safe. To be honest it would be a dream come true to never hear from him again and I know the children would be better for it. I appreciate your kind and helpful words so much and all of you have really helped me to see a positive way through all of this sad mess. Thank you so much xxx

I presume you know how to push his buttons, could you write a theoretically polite email that will trigger a ranty one back to you? Bit more evidence in your favour?

Maybe talk about him upsetting your dad so he'll no longer be available to facilitate handovers

That's a really good idea actually, but he is classic passive aggressive so never lets his mask slip when it can be traced or witnessed, i.e. in black and white or in public. He's crafty but not very clever iyswim. Back in the summer he had a problem with a wisdom tooth during contact with (just the older) our son, and emailed to say it wouldn't stop bleeding so would have to go to a&e. Then I didn't hear anything back from him at all so panicked (just to add, this was not long after leaving him and my emotions were all over the place, I really struggled to let go of him emotionally although now I feel ridiculous for this) and text him to ask if he was ok and said I'd always love him. I thought he might be lying in a pool of blood somewhere alone... Anyway, he was fine and printed off my texts and took them to court, his 'proof' that I was trying to "entice him". He has a really nasty, sneaky side. I just don't trust him at all. I don't think he'd let his guard down via email, he has never done this before. In fact when we were together he would be so passive aggressive, calm but nasty, goady and critical of me then when I finally snapped he'd say oh look how aggressive you are and he'd film me and say I was attacking him. He had me convinced that I was the one with the problem, convinced me I had a mental health problem then eventually that I had a hormone problem and I was actually booked in for a full hysterectomy to "cure" me. Wtf. The guy has no boundaries. It scares me looking back.