STBXDH goes months without seeing the kids, pays no maintenance, was abusive, do I stop contact?

[Brokenbutgettingtherenow]

Hello and thankyou in advance for reading this. My 2ds and I left exh last year due to ongoing abuse. We had been together over 20 years, married nearly 8, and things had got worse between us since 2nd baby arrived. He never involved himself in any of the day to day routines with the children, never had them on his own, didn't work, wouldn't even get up with them once in a blue moon so I could catch up on some sleep. Things just got worse and worse, first verbally abusive, then things got physical and in the end the police were involved and advised me to leave with the boys so I did.
We are far away now and settled in a little house, they're happy and settled in school and have made friends. I have found work that I love and so things are feeling much better than they have in a long time.
The boys father hasn't seen them since before Christmas, didn't bother sending them a card or present, and has since ignored the younger ones birthday (age 5). The boys rarely ask about him and don't get upset about not seeing him, and are happy and settled in our new life. They can talk about him without getting upset or asking where he is, it's as though he is a distant uncle that they sometimes see and they are pretty indifferent about him. Probably this is mostly due to his lack of involvement since they were born anyway and why I am actually finding things easier now that I'm on my own with them, as I've always done everything for them it's just now I actually get peaceful evenings with no man child sulking/criticizing me/ making life awkward/not doing his bit. You get the picture I know lots of you have been or are in this boat.
He has never paid a penny towards his children since we left almost a year ago and hardly ever asks (via email) how they are, what they are up to. Now and again he gets in touch and asks to see them but it just seems so silly as it unsettles the boys and takes them about a week to settle again after they've seen him. When do you get to the point that you cut contact for the sake of the kids, or is that a no-no? The family court seen to put the rights of the father before the day to day security and happiness of the children. Surely it's not fair that a father can suddenly turn up out of the blue when he feels like it and expect to see the children he never bothers with? Just wondered what people thought really. Thanks so much for reading this and in advance for any opinions and advice. All gratefully received .

What a shit bag.

We're the courts not bothered about the police and non mol

At the time my barrister said he thought I was very generous letting him see the kids at all, so I'm hoping that will go in my favour, that I've given it my best shot so to speak. I've given him the chance to man up and finally show he can be a good dad. But he's completely failed even at that. So I feel in all good conscience I can let this fizzle out now without feeling that I never tried hard enough. It took me a long time to see how badly he's treated me all these years, and even longer to accept that it was actually abuse. Must sound crazy but when it all becomes your normal its sort of all you know isn't it. I don't want this casual, couldn't care less attitude to be the view of fatherhood that my kids grow up with, I feel they deserve so much better. I can be mummy and daddy for them if thats what it takes and it would, in my mind, certainly be less confusing and more stable for them. I always doubt myself though, due to years of psychological chipping away at me by him, so I really appreciate people's thoughts on here. Because you guys are detached from the situation, your advice somehow seems more valid. Thanks so much. Yes, he is a complete shitbag. The redirected letter if appointment for full hysterectomy arrived on my new doormat just days after we had moved in here. It was such a clear message to me of what I'd managed to escape from. I could so easily have gone through with it had my friend not phoned the police to report him.

Well done OP. You’re finally breaking away from his control.

Thanks so much, feel like it's taken me too bloody long! Ongoing messy divorce (as you've prob already guessed he is extremely controlling) and he's now ditched his second solicitor so mine is having to communicate with him personally. Not sure if this bodes well for me cutting his contact with the boys. I guess only time will tell but feel I have enough valid reasons now to present to court if he decides to challenge it. Thanks so much for your support, it really does mean the world to me.

Can you get advice from your solicitor. Might make you feel more confident in your decision.
Do you think he'll take you back to court, I sort of see him wanting to be the devoted dad in others' eyes.

I could ask her but at the moment I'm only paying her with regards to financial rather than child matters plus the general divorce costs. There is still a chance the finances could end up in court too as he's so controlling so that would be further costs. He left me in awful debt. As the sole earner for nearly all of our twenty years together, he'd talked me into putting three additional credit cards in my name ... I know, I know, how stupid am I. So I have sent coming out of my ears. She once gave some general advice that the courts would always try to maintain contact between a father and his children,but I do feel these circumstances are exceptional. Who chooses to completely ignore their children at Christmas/their birthday? He spoke over and contradicted the judge last time we were in court and she pretty much told him to shut up and go away so I hope that his behaviour has been noted. I would hope it supports what I put about him in my initial statement almost a year ago. I'm a bit scared of him still, as he's so unpredictable. I keep hoping he'll find another woman to go and obsess over and just leave us alone. He's already told me (verbally) that he won't be moving to be nearer to the children. But then this is the guy who has never once got up on Christmas morning to see his children and laughed in my face/mocked me when I struggled to give birth to/breastfeed a big 11lb baby. I should stop assuming he will act like a normal person. Thanks so much for your input, it really helps me as I wrestle mentally with what is best to do going forward.

If you ignored his emails what would he do

That is actually my plan... Not sure what he will do but my guess is he will go straight to court about it...

Sadly I read on here that children are made by the courts to see all manner of crap dads. I'm not actually sure that you've enough legal change to alter what the court said. Is it all hearsay, ie what the kids have said.
(Sorry)

My fear is that you are most probably right and that the courts will always make me "facilitate contact"... It's so sad for all the poor children in a similar boat though isn't it. That's why I never pursued maintenance, I do hope in the end he will disappear completely but I think his new plan is to pop up at half terms and be super daddy which just rubs my nose in it even more as then the boys are completely fooled by him and will not see him for the loser he is. I just don't know what to do for the best. Thanks so much for your insight fragles

I’d let it fizzle out too.
He’s clearly not interested and it’s not in the interests of your children. Sooner or later they will see him for what he is and not want anything to do with him. Don’t let him use the time in between to ruin the relationship they gave with each other

Take notes as timeisnotaline suggested.

Good luck!

Can you put all the emphasis on to him, it is not reasonable for you to have to see him and he is unpleasant to your father so you will make the children available to a third party on his side (maybe his mother). Then he will have to do all the organising/ running around rather than you/ your father. It may fizzle out anyway.