Resisting the temptation of another man. Long term monogamy is overrated?

[Tempt8tion]

I know, I know. It’s always a bad idea to have an affair. I have been on the receiving end of infidelity and I know it can totally ruin you. Not to mention DC. So why is my desire to feel wanted and to experience excitement so strong? Long term monogamy really doesn’t make sense does it?!

How can I channel this yearning into something that is not going to wreck my family life?

Does some harmless and very light flirting help? I hardly have any contact with other males and sometime I think if I could just chat purely platonically with other men it would help. I’m just rather bored with DH

He would be devastated if the marriage ended - it would be my fault. It would cause huge upheaval to the kids and emotional distress to them all. I can't make him think or feel differently because I'm approaching it from a 'trying to be realistic' rather than 'selfish affair' angle.

So having an affair would be better then?

He finds out and causes even more shit for everyone else.

So many women, sit back and act like life happens to them. As though they have no choice in anything.

We really need to teach our daughters, that they do get to choose. They dont have to sit their miserable and unhappy, thinking of excuses not to leave. To not accept everyone elses wants above their basic needs.

As a side note. Funny how people are happy with monogamy when its suited them. Secure relationship to have kids in, financial partnership.

Then they fancy having sex with someone else, all of a sudden 'monogamy isnt natural'.

At first, it was working brilliantly. The security, stability, reliability at home; and the lust, desire, excitement outwith.
So it worked out because you were having your cake and eating it basically.

Unfortunately though, the more I'm with this FWB, the more resentful I'm getting of DP. and you will be doomed to cycle this forever.

"Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being in love, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident."

Yes this!

Except I haven’t found it as Ex cheated on me! What a waste. Wish I’d never met him. Your DH will feel the same if you cheat on him. Your kids might too.

I don't find long-term monogamy remotely difficult or unnatural. What I do find slightly unnatural is the idea that anyone still expects or wants to experience the rather unsettling excitement of the first bloom of romance late-on in a ltr, and that they see the lack of it as an indication that there's something wrong with their relationship and think they should seek that excitement elsewhere (only to end up inevitably losing the spark in that ltr too).

Louis de Bernières said it better though!

Kirkman I'm not the OP and haven't expressed any desire to have an affair. I have highlighted the limitations of being trapped in a relationship that makes you unhappy, that is lacking, when changing the situation is hurtful to the children in particular.

Simply because having an affair is not the right thing to do does not make the shortcomings of the status quo go away.

I didnt say you were the OP.

But it's all similar thinking.

An affair is not lesser evil than divorce. And it's those sorts musings that often lead people into having affairs.

Both you and OP are sat there, unhappy. But not wanting to change it. Theres several threads running, at the moment with the same theme.

Unhappy, believing they cant do anything about it. When they can. It's just not easy.

What are you suggesting we do?! Leave? I'm saying that is as unpalatable as an affair. Broken home, kids ferried between parents, distressed that their family unit is gone forever, less money for everything day to day. Friends taking sides. Etc. Etc.

Leaving isnt as unpalatable as an affair. Yes I am saying leave. If its miserable, making you miserable to the pomt you think an affir might be a good way of dealing with it, seperate.

You get one life. And if you think your kids arent picking up on the misery, you are wrong.

Single parent homes arent broken. Plenty are a lot better than with 2 parents on the same house who are miserable to the point the parents arent bothered if they (themseleves) dropped dead.

I know what divorce entails. I also know what it's like when miserable parents stay together. My kids are far happier and confident coming from a so called 'broken home' than I was coming from a house where it was obvious my parents were miserable.

The kids arent the reason you arent thinking of separating. Because the kids arent benefitting, emotionally now.

@SwishSwishSheesh I know DH feels the same way because we talk. We talk all the time about anything and everything and we both share the same view on infidelity. That it is just wrong and not something you do if you love, like and respect your partner.

I don't like the thought of loads of genitals so monogamy for me.

OP hope you can communicate properly with DH.

"Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being in love, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident."

I had that as a reading at my wedding to exH.ex because the passion did die and I couldn't live without sexual intimacy. I now think that reading is a load of shite! No regrets about divorcing. It's a killer being with someone who is wonderful but just not enough.

Is long-term monogamy overrated? There's no right answer. For many people the answer, I suspect, is 'no': it's the way that the majority of people lead their lives. And I guess it suits.

For me, it's not an option. I simply can't imagine a life where I have to be with the same partner forever.

However, I'm single and, in my opinion, that gives me the right to play the field. If you've made a serious commitment to another person, you really should resolve that conundrum before moving on. Not always easy, I know.

The kids arent the reason you arent thinking of separating. Because the kids arent benefitting, emotionally now.*

The kids are the only reason I'm not separating. My life would be infinitely easier and better without husband.

There is the experience of others on here reflecting how many years it took their DD to get over their marriage split. 'So long as it's not an affair that splits you then it's all fine' is just not true. I can't do that to them.

The kids benefit enough from us being together. We don't scream, shout, fight, argue. We just exist. Me being single isn't going to model any better relationships to them. They have already been through the massive upheaval of moving abroad to a country with a different language thousands of miles from friends and family. They don't need one of us walking out and dividing everything up, including time with them.

But that doesn't make me happy with my relationship. It just forces me to act like it's all ok.

If your not happy then leave your DH as you will destroy his life, if you want to make it work then sit down and talk to him...

Who wants the fucking excitement? Excitement of what? Fuck that. No thank you.

@Fithles you dont have to scream or shout for kids to know.

Kids deserve more than to see their primary car givers miserable and just existing.

I didnt say it was fine as long as you dont have an affair. But an affair would make it so much worse.

You think separating is more likely to devastate kids than being in a house with miserable parents, but think separating with the complication of one of you cheating isnt worse?

I can promise you, your unhappiness is/will impact your kids. I truly hope you do find happiness for your sake and theirs.

What @kirkman said. My DD is so much happier with two happily separated parents. She deserved to see what a happy marriage looks like, not a marriage where it's limping along in a slow death. We didn't argue or anything. It just wasn't enough for either of us. Everyone is happier now. For ages we said we would stay together for DD. One day I realised wr were using her as an excuse to avoid addressing the issue. As long as you split amicably (I.e. don't have an affair and wreck your friendship with your DH) then your DD will be fine. My ex and I get on really well and DD was a little upset but then fine with it all.

Don't have an affair before you split though. Because how friendly mum and dad are effects how well kids deal with divorce. Ex and I are like best mates or siblings. And it has been so helpful to DD. We are taking her on holiday together in May. So if you want a good post split relationship, don't do something which could cause your DH to hate you.

LOL at me binning my husband because I have no feelings for him and us ending up as 'best mates'. I'm pleased it worked out for you but I can't force him to be happy with me leaving. I can't force the kids to be cool with the whole thing either.

So far our 'talks' have resulted in him dropping the kids at school and emptying the dishwasher. Date night where we spend ages getting ready and trekking to a restaurant only to chat about the same old shit we would at home, only it's cost £££. Loads of holidays where we exhaust ourselves entertaining the kids and occasionally drink too much. We tick the boxes but it doesn't generate any feelings.

I can't force him to be happy with me leaving. I can't force the kids to be cool with the whole thing either

Yep, my exH didn't want to split when I first mentionned it either. It took a shitload of tears, discussion and hard work to get to the point where he and I were both ok with it.

As for your kids being ok, NO kids like their parents splitting up. That's just a fact. But you don't know how they will be until you split.

I worked damned fucking hard to get to the point we are at now. It didn't happen by magic. It took a lot. There is no need to be rude to me simply because I did have the balls to end things and make something good from the embers.

So take your LOL and shove it.

@Fithles Oh, and at least be honest about why you are still married. Your kids will be picking up on your misery no matter HOW well you think you are hiding it.

NO parent wants to put their kids through a split. But we do it to be a good example of making sure that the relationship you are in makes you happy.

It's obvious that the real reason you haven't split with your DH is because you are terrified. There is literally NOTHING that you have said, that most parents in a blah marriage haven't felt.

Some of us decide to do something about it and make a new life in a New way, so our kids are happy again. My DD says it's not worse now or better, just different. And also says we were right to split up because "you can't be married if you don't want to kiss". She KNOWS it's ok to leave a relationship that isn't working and that things can be ok again. That's what we taught her.

Your LOL reflects so badly on you. It sounds so bitter coming from someone who is clearly terrified to make any changes in their life and portrays herself as being "trapped". I DID do something about it. It was hard and it took a lot. But we are all now happy again. So I fail to see why you are the one laughing at me. I'm not the one living in misery, am I?

Lol at leaving your husband because you have no feelings for him?

Yes, that what you should do. That's a perfectly good reason to end you marriage.

I mean he obviously isnt your best friend, is he. You talk about spending time with him with such contempt.

You may lol at the idea. But one day, you may find your kids questioning why you didnt leave. Or in marriages that are miserable because they think that's normal.

I wonder if you will 'lol' then.

You arent trapped. You are choosing to stay in the situation. Not for your kids. You are choosing to stay for you. Why that is I dont know. Financial stability, abroad to eb alone, simply terrified there could be loads of reasons.

But no kids grows up happy living in a house where their parents are so miserable.

OP if you feel like this in your 40s, do you think you'll feel worse in your 50s, 60s....

I enjoy being single. I have kids and a full time job. Most of my 'relationships' last a few months to a year, which is the fun part. I'm so glad not to be in a long term relationship, it just doesnt suit me, unless I met someone I was still excited by in years.

Be happy, whatever that entails for you.