Resisting the temptation of another man. Long term monogamy is overrated?

[Tempt8tion]

I know, I know. It’s always a bad idea to have an affair. I have been on the receiving end of infidelity and I know it can totally ruin you. Not to mention DC. So why is my desire to feel wanted and to experience excitement so strong? Long term monogamy really doesn’t make sense does it?!

How can I channel this yearning into something that is not going to wreck my family life?

Does some harmless and very light flirting help? I hardly have any contact with other males and sometime I think if I could just chat purely platonically with other men it would help. I’m just rather bored with DH

How can it be right for all these women to have to go on ADs to survive their own marriages? It such a heartbreaking idea that you have to be drugged up to get through the day.

What about your DH makes your skin crawl? Is he bad in bed?

It’s probs peri menopause!

I get you
Lots of people do or affairs wouldn't be so common
It's all very well being high and mighty but all of know people who've been unfaithful and many will be that we aren't aware of. A vast percentage of the world cannot just gets selfish vile lowlifes like you hear people who have affairs called on here

"What about your DH makes your skin crawl?"

This seems to be fairly common unfortunately when a woman loses sexual attraction to a man, for whatever reason. Its been well documented.

Not OP as I think there is hope by experimenting in your marriage, the pp's who are emotionally out
You only get one life. DC know when a parent isn't in love, given the choice they would want you to be happy above all else. Please break free.

This is why lots of people are into swinging OP. Exciting sex with new people without cheating. MN doesn't like it so no doubt there will be pearl-clutching and shouts of "grim!" but lots of couples do it without it splitting them up.
I dabbled in the scene with exH (he's an ex for other reasons) and we had a lot of fun. In my experience, in clubs the "activity" is often initiated by the women, and it's abundantly clear they are not being dragged along by their husbands, as is sometimes suggested on here!
Fabswingers is a very popular website for more info.

If you think long term monogamy is over rated. Then sort it. Either en open marriage or leave and do what you want.

To the poster that thinks divorce is just as devastating to kids as an affair, you are kidding yourself. If you decide to get a divorce because the marriage is you are more likely to remain amicable. Divorce is devastating for kids, mainly because of how parents act.

If those kids are in the middle when one parent has been discovered to have been lying and betraying the other parent, to get their jollies with someone else, it puts a whole new spin on it. Their parent isnt the person they thought they were and the divorce is much more likely to be vicious.

Your kids will be faced with one parent betrayed by the other. If you cant see the difference between that and just divorcing, you are in the group (like op) that's trying to justify staying whilst wanting to be able to shag around and not tell the person they promised to be monogamous with.

If monogamy isnt for you, it's not for you. No shame in that. But make sure the person who thinks you are monogamous, knows you changed the playing field.

I don't want to shag around. I've seen enough friends OLD to put me off. I'd love someone to care for me. To show me they thought I was great, to recognise when I need a hug. To feel that connection. I can ask for these things (or direct their rectification via counselling) but that's just him following a checklist. Not doing it because he feels it. I couldn't bear to be dating and fall in love and for that to not be returned. It would break me more than being married to a cardboard cut out of a man.

'Agreeing it's over' relies on my husband feeling the same. He doesn't. We have talked about this. He would be devastated if the marriage ended - it would be my fault. It would cause huge upheaval to the kids and emotional distress to them all. I can't make him think or feel differently because I'm approaching it from a 'trying to be realistic' rather than 'selfish affair' angle.

Life was short for my dh, yes.

I also wish that more men would take their sex lives seriously. Do more than moan about not getting enough. Because there's so much text sex in my life now, the men I see have been forced to tell me their fantasies,tell me they're turned on by me and specifically what they find attractive. In my 2 marriages the men stopped saying anything complimentary, stopped making any effort to seduce, beyond starting to touch me which felt like it was for them, not me. There was rarely any sign that they wanted me, I was just there.

Sex in the long term is tricky. Nature doesn't care about it. To make it work is not natural, it has to be almost intellectual I think. I dont know the answer.

How old were you when you got together? How many men did you sleep with before him?

I have a theory, that people who settle down in their 20's with their first Partner, can rarely do the distance. At least that's my experience, and the experience of almost every couple that I know (all bar one couple actually, and even then the DH had an affair at one point).

I met my first H when I was 16. Got engaged at 19, and married at 20. He was my first proper boyfriend, and the only man I'd slept with. I can remember having the feelings you describe, once we were many years in and with 2 kids. However, I don't think I would have acted on it....only he was unfaithful many times, so eventually the marriage ended.

I then slept with quite a lot of men, and got it out of my system (so to speak). Then decided I wanted a long term Partner, but when I started dating I was very picky about all the physical things I wanted : things I hadn't really had the chance to pick with first H, for eg, first H was short and thin, not very manly, but I like big tall men! Anyway, I met my now DH, who is 6 ft 3 and very manly, broad shoulders, built like a rugby player etc - just my type. We are now almost 12 years in, and honestly my head would never be turned.

Long story short, I think in most cases people need to do a lot of shagging around before they settle down. If you haven't done that, I would imagine this is why you are feeling unsettled now - especially as you go through your 40's, because subconsciously you know that time is running out (kind of) for you to have loads of sexual fun.

Not sure what the answer is? I think it boils down to whether you still find your DH attractive and sexy? If so, I think that's a sign you can revive things. If not, if for eg he feels like a brother to you, then I'm not sure anything can make this work.

I will say this though, breaking up a family is heart breaking. My DD took YEARS to get over it....years and years. I had no choice really as first H was cheating so much, but boy the guilt was horrendous. And the ferrying between 2 houses was just awful. So think very carefully.

One other thing : if you do embark on any affairs, please bear in mind that men who sleep with married women do so, because the woman gives out sex with no expectation of commitment. They will promise you the earth, whilst using you for sex, and you will be one of many women he's shagging. You will not meet any decent men whilst you are still married to your DH.

It’s probs peri menopause!

What? She's early 40's! I'm 50 and haven't even reached that yet! Still got a very high sex drive as well. Early 40's and her sex drive should be through the roof, which I suspect it is, hence these feelings she's having!

Long term monogamy really doesn’t make sense does it?!
Then leave him and bring up your kids separately.

It makes all the sense in the world to have a solid family. The aftermath of divorce is not pretty and I have to say, even though I’ve been a single parent, it does damage the kids. They are split forever. So much trauma in reality.

Did your parents stay together OP?

I think your powerful instinct OP is shallow, selfish and naive. But you want to break up? Go ahead. Grass really is greener... NOT!

Any chance you are entering peri-menopause? Hormones can do crazy things...as they did to me 😱

I was 45 when my periods stopped suddenly and, rather than lose sex drive...it went through the roof!!! My hormones went crazy and I had other symptoms start like hot flushes. Horny as hell but had no sex life with DH. It has destroyed my marriage tbh.
Do not rule out hormones!!! My GP thought I was too young but I wasn’t. My hormones were probably changing before I reached 45. I was totally unaware! I haven’t had a period since (I’m 48 in March) and have settled a bit but still crave passion!!! It really has made me view my marriage differently and I will probably leave this summer.

I am not attracted to my husband who is 10 years older...big problem for me!!! We get on well though but I have become angry towards him due to lack of affection etc.

The chances are youd very soon realise that most men out there are dicks, and not that exciting.

Can you do something to spice up your life without actually having an affair or leaving

Also, I didn’t sleep around when I was young. My husband was my first. I realised we were sexually incompatible as he lacks passion. It became boring for me. I stopped it. We haven’t had sex in 10 years and I sleep in the box room now. Not ideal for a very passionate, hardworking, attractive, successful woman!! I know I need to do something!

Is your marriage getting the blame for more general dissatisfaction with your life?

What makes you think that romance/sex with an as yet unknown man will make everything better?

It might be time for a change but be sure you are not embracing the wrong one!

I don't find long term monogamy hard work at all. Been married 40 years and am not the slightest bit interested in anyone else and DH feels the same way.

I'm in the same boat as you, OP.
Also don't agree that monogamy is natural.

I have a DP of 10 years. I've also fallen into a FWB situation with another man.

At first, it was working brilliantly. The security, stability, reliability at home; and the lust, desire, excitement outwith.

Unfortunately though, the more I'm with this FWB, the more resentful I'm getting of DP.

I'm not sure what the answer is.. but I think your situation is more common than people realise (or choose to admit to).

@lynsey91

DH feels the same way just out of interest, how do you know that with certainty? I'm not being funny here, genuinely curious.

"Sometimes I can feel my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I'm not living" - Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.

A PPs suggestion of having an affair with your husband is a good one. Flirt, send suggestive messages, set up dates over text. Make it exciting again.

I don't feel like long term monogamy is hard but I do flirt with my husband and he with me, and I very much feel wanted - I know how much he fancies me.

I can understand the desire to feel that again if its missing but try and find it at home before doing anything more drastic.

Relationships go through many different phases. I don't think it's realistic to expect the initial attraction stage to last. The relationship moves on and things change as the years pass.

I think Louis de Bernieres describes it perfectly in Captain Corelli's Mandolin -

"Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your root was so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is.

"Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being in love, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident."

For me, that's what a long term relationship is.