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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DS asked when we were going to do a schofield.Unsure if marriage is a sham.

46 replies

whatisforteamum · 13/02/2020 17:43

Last week my grown up DS asked just that.Not that dh is gay just so distant the marriage isn't what anyone would expect.
I work long hours and have opposite days off to dh.
We've been together over 33 years.I can only get the same days off of I book them as hols.I booked our wedding anniversary w end and he has golf which is once a month.WE said remind him which I did and he became angry as his hobby means so much.Now I don't want to spend time with him begrudgingly.
I have low self esteem anyway.
This has happened numerous times now as I have to for in with six others at work so can't just have what I want.
I probably could take some time out of work as we've saved hard over the years however we sleep separately eat separately etc.
Also he gets angry with me over the slightest thing.
On a positive note we do still have sex I just feel crushed every time he puts his hobby before me as I rarely see him.
Would anyone else put up with this.I do appreciate he needs something to do while I am working.Also he has let himself go and only makes an effort if I mention it.
Anyone else in this situation? I have to make all the conversations too.

OP posts:
EvaHarknessRose · 13/02/2020 17:50

It's just about what you want. The status quo, a new start, or a (doubtfully achievable) renewal of your relationship. I was going to say don't put up with being taken for granted but then I wondered whether you are maybe taking him for granted too. And only have sex if and when and with whom you wish.

12345kbm · 13/02/2020 17:52

It doesn't sound good OP. You're still have sex. Is that on his instigation? Is it good or simply to serve his needs?

His hobby is more important than your Wedding Anniversary, he barely talks to you. You don't eat together or spend time together and he gets angry with you over the slightest thing.

Is this how you want to spend your life? Is this the marriage you want and if not, then what steps can you put in place in order to shake things up? Do you want to shake things up or would you rather be on your own or with someone else?

Bluntness100 · 13/02/2020 17:54

Why didn't you confirm the weekend away dates with him before hand?

If you're not happy in your marriage leave it,

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 13/02/2020 17:55

Only with dh.THe it is no big deal to me now I am at the menopause.I just want someone to care and bo ther.Yes I don't have much time for him.I get home at 1030 ish

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 13/02/2020 18:03

The sex isn't a positive in this relationship. It sounds like you're relationship is dead in the water.

I'd be seeking legal advice as to how to end it

12345kbm · 13/02/2020 18:04

You get home at 10:30 pm every night? Do you see each other at weekends? Do you have hobbies or a social life?

BlueJava · 13/02/2020 18:08

I guess you have to ask if you are both happy with the situation and do you want it to continue that way? If you are both ok with it then obviously it's no one elses's business but your own. But if you aren't happy then you either both need to change how you do things or split up. That's hard, but whatever you decided you should make sure you are protected in terms of finances/income etc, just in case.

Brooksey5 · 13/02/2020 18:08

Maybe you both need to re-assess priorities. If you’re both serious about turning things around one of you could change jobs or adapt their hours. I can’t see this situation getting better unless there’s a big change or one of you leaves.

Kirkman · 13/02/2020 18:10

If you only get very limited time together, is no wonder both of you are distant.

When was the last time you had fun together?

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 13/02/2020 18:10

The weekend I booked was left over holiday so I just grabbed it and thought working all December and New yr on 12 hour days it would be nice.
The golf days were not decided then.
I think it is hurtful because he used to bother now he doesnt.I am some kind of burden I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatisforteamum · 13/02/2020 18:15

Kirkland I guess an evening family do last July and Xmas day with ds.I work every weekend.I do take my share of the blame for my job but when I am home he has a million tv programs to watch.
Don't get me wrong we do rub along ok sometimes.I just feel like I am getting the thin end of the wedge sometimes.

OP posts:
12345kbm · 13/02/2020 18:28

Do you work 7 days a week OP? I'm not surprised he's got a million TV programmes to watch as he has his own routine as you're never there.

I'm not sure what help you're asking for here.

You work seven days a week and you work until 10:30pm every night. But you also want a great marriage. But the last time you spent time with him socially was once seven months ago. You also work Christmas and New Year.

Then you wonder why he doesn't dance around you like a performing monkey when you grace him with your presence. Are you saving up for a yacht?

TeacupDrama · 13/02/2020 18:29

it seems like actually not enough time to be even potentially together I can see that if you don't get home till 10.30pm and then want food and wind down it is probably after midnight before you want to go to bed as I presume working till 10.30pm means you don't start till late

if you had a piece of paper and blocked off your working hours and his working hours and time asleep and some time for his hobby and whatever you do you could find that the actual number sof hours available is very low
when once person goes to bed early as they have to be up at 7am, the other works late so they sleep separately to avoid disturbing each other as you would wake him at midnight going to bed and he would wake you getting up early it is easy and logical to see how sleeping separately is sensible and practical if not romantic being woke up when you are tired is not romantic but infuriating
so working opposite hours and wanting to spend time with a hobby means if you want things to work you both seriously have to sit down with diaries and timetables to make time for each other when you are both in the same building and not sleeping
it seems Monday -friday your hours of working don't allow time, at least part of every weekend is with DH hobby so you need to work out that if Sunday afternoon evening is your only time together you spend it together not catching up on housework TV etc but try and do the chores shared when the other person is absent so your few hours together can be quality time

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 13/02/2020 18:35

I work weekend s teacup.Sometimes I do get a Sun eve off.He get up at 450am! I do 10 am till 1030 pm.

OP posts:
Anothernick · 13/02/2020 18:46

We are the same . My wife runs a restaurant, she is always busy at weekends and most evenings whereas I work the usual 9-5. We rarely eat together or sleep together, though we make sure we have time for sex at least once a week. You can make it work, it helps if you are (like me) happy in your own company. I have started going to films and concerts on my own, it's not ideal but it's better than not going. Once a week I go and have dinner in the restaurant where she works. We also do something special on annniversaries, birthdays etc and I think your DH is a bit out of order not to understand why that is important..

She loves her job and I don't know what she would do without it, her life would be empty. Better a happy partner that I see less than an unhappy one around me all the time.

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 13/02/2020 18:53

Thank you anothernick😊 My husband knows I love for my job.Besides I have to do the hours as I am a chef.I do like my own company just spmetimes.The times we go out are very few and far between.
I can understand he has his own life and we do make time for sex.Occasionally I do feel hurt heirs his friends first though.

OP posts:
adaline · 13/02/2020 19:23

On a positive note we do still have sex I just feel crushed every time he puts his hobby before me as I rarely see him.

On a similar note, are you not putting your job before him?

Relationships can't survive when you practically never see each other. What's the point?

Kirkman · 13/02/2020 19:40

My exh was a chef. we had other issues, namely he being an abusive dick.

But the hours are a killer and it does create distance. You arent like a couple at all.

Obviously you shouldnt give up your job if you love it.

But something has to give. One or both of you needs to change something so you actually have time, rather than an odd few days here and there. If neither of you can, it could the end for the marriage

adaline · 13/02/2020 19:48

My husband knows I love for my job.Besides I have to do the hours as I am a chef.

What do you love more, the job or your husband?

TeacupDrama · 13/02/2020 19:56

do you do 10-10 7 days a week? because that is not sustainable for your own health never mind marriage, I take it you own the business as that is well well beyond any working time directive

being honest it appears he uses his hobby to fill the time you are not there, ( evenings and weekends) as @adaline said; obviously he leaves early for work while you are asleep when he comes home you are at work and because of how early he has to get up he is in bed before you get home if he works Mon-fri and you work both days at weekends it is hardly surprising you hardly speak as you don't appear to be in the same building often
you both need to prioritise each other
first try and book annual leave so you are both off at the same time
you both need to change a bit, you need to try and commit to having one evening/ day off a week and for him to commit to not doing his hobby that day, but that is hard if you never have the same day off

lets assume he plays golf so he agrees no golf on wednesday or sunday evenings so you enjoy a few nice evenings together then you work both eveings a few weeks in a row so he stops keeping wed.sun free now you have these days off again he isn't there and you are off on tuesday but of course he is committed to his golf buddies on tuesday evening you think he's putting golf buddies ahead of you, but he is thinking you didn't put getting a regular evening off as a priority and so the cycle goes on both blaming each other you need to get off that cycle and try and make it work however you first need to timetable a slot to discuss it

MitziK · 13/02/2020 19:57

You're always at work.

Why should he give up the things he does and has done for thirty odd years when you've never been around?

You say you're getting the thin end of the wedge sometimes. Just as likely that he feels exactly the same way.

TeacupDrama · 13/02/2020 19:57

no one has to work 84 hours a week

Bessica1970 · 13/02/2020 20:12

Op hasn’t said she works 7 days a week or 84 hours - she said she has opposite days off to her OH (so assuming she works weekends and he works week day)

CurrynChips · 13/02/2020 20:20

Op doesn't say she has no days off but that she had OPPOSITE DAYS OFF to her dh. Do you mean you only work weekends or that you get e.g. Mon off whilst he works Mon- Fri?
Why is op getting stick for her job being prioritised over her dh but he gets to prioritise both his job and his hobby over her without censure?

That aside, whilst the working hours incompatibility may have contributed to the rot, it does sound like you're at a point where he has no interest/willingness to engage with you even in the little time you do share. The always watching TV could be attributed to just laziness/ familiarity and generally taking your relationship for granted, and if it were just that I'd say you need to sit him down and explain how you feel and if you're both doing to work at it it may be salvageable. But the fact that when you do try and say anything to him or arrange to spend time with him is I think more terminal. And clearly your ds doesn't think your relationship works either.

Of course, some people are happy to just co-exist, if you are happy to disengage too, to focus on your own hobbies prioritise your time off with friends or your ds and basically stop emotionally investing in your dh, you could continue. If you want more from a relationship though it does sound like it's time to call it a day.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/02/2020 20:37

Why is op getting stick for her job being prioritised over her dh but he gets to prioritise both his job and his hobby over her without censure?

She loves her job. He loves golf. Only one of those things is essential to, you know, have money to eat.