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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DS asked when we were going to do a schofield.Unsure if marriage is a sham.

46 replies

whatisforteamum · 13/02/2020 17:43

Last week my grown up DS asked just that.Not that dh is gay just so distant the marriage isn't what anyone would expect.
I work long hours and have opposite days off to dh.
We've been together over 33 years.I can only get the same days off of I book them as hols.I booked our wedding anniversary w end and he has golf which is once a month.WE said remind him which I did and he became angry as his hobby means so much.Now I don't want to spend time with him begrudgingly.
I have low self esteem anyway.
This has happened numerous times now as I have to for in with six others at work so can't just have what I want.
I probably could take some time out of work as we've saved hard over the years however we sleep separately eat separately etc.
Also he gets angry with me over the slightest thing.
On a positive note we do still have sex I just feel crushed every time he puts his hobby before me as I rarely see him.
Would anyone else put up with this.I do appreciate he needs something to do while I am working.Also he has let himself go and only makes an effort if I mention it.
Anyone else in this situation? I have to make all the conversations too.

OP posts:

Scott72 · 13/02/2020 20:38

It seems unreasonable to begrudge him his once a month golf day so much.

missyB1 · 13/02/2020 20:46

You can’t just blame him. Six of one half a dozen of the other I would say. I can see why your ds asked the question.

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 13/02/2020 21:02

Thank you.all for your food for thought.I only work 5 days a week up 730 home 10/1030.hospitality is a killer job.Physically draining but I do earn more than him and he does not earn much at all.rain
Social
Ising at all would be very hard.as.I need to rest and do the chores when I am off.I don't know anyone my own age as it is a young persons game so I work with people a few decades younger.
I agree with six of one and half a dozen of the other.Even when we have been through rough patches before we just thought of the dcs.Now they are grown up I can see how distant the relationship is.

OP posts:

RantyAnty · 13/02/2020 21:05

Can you change the holiday to another weekend?

For people not reading the thread, She works WEEKENDS ONLY

MitziK · 13/02/2020 21:07

*For people not reading the thread, She works WEEKENDS ONLY

I only work 5 days a week*

That post aged well.

RantyAnty · 13/02/2020 21:09

Apologies OP. You work 5 days a week.
You're right about it being a young person's game. Have a relative who's a cook in his late 50s.

KTJean · 13/02/2020 21:09

I am sorry this is not anything to do with the OP, but I thought when anothernick you said you go to your wife’s restaurant once a week for dinner, that is very sweet (and romantic). It does sound like you and your wife make an effort to make the relationship work despite the long hours she works, whereas OP and her husband are like ships in the night.

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 13/02/2020 21:15

Working 50 plus hours a week@ 54 average.as lunch isn't paid.ST takes me out for coffee sometimes when he finishes the problem is when I get a Saturday which is very rare and he goes out or he sulks!

OP posts:

adaline · 13/02/2020 21:26

She loves her job. He loves golf. Only one of those things is essential to, you know, have money to eat.

Nobody has to work 15+ hour a days, 5 days a week. That's a choice you make.

I wouldn't stay with someone who prioritise their job over me. It takes the piss, frankly. Both DH and I are self employed and neither of us let our work take over our lives.

rvby · 13/02/2020 22:04

OP you have posted about this man so many times, that I recognize your username.

Look, you need to either accept him as he is - a housemate, with occasional benefits, at best - or start actually DOING something to change your life.

He is the way he is, and has been for years. Isn't he also the one who kicked off when your dad died? Literally what does he have to do for you to finally decide you're done??

rvby · 13/02/2020 22:13

I've just done an advanced search and you have 47 threads on your dh and your relationship.

What can we do to help you move forward with this op? It's not going to get better.

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 14/02/2020 07:45

I think the perspective that he has to get his own life while I a! Working is helpful.I am convinced though that neither of us would like to spend as much time together as" NORMAL" couples.I say that because unless you have to adjust to.working opposite shifts as we did with no childcare you don't know what it is like to barely see the person you married.
We are opposite in personalities too.I am a bit younger and full of energy.
Yes I have posted lots on here.I find MN very useful.
I work with teens and 20 somethings who are.single so I have no one to get a perspective from.

OP posts:

Kirkman · 14/02/2020 07:54

See the issue is, if you all of a sudden get loads more time together that will be difficult at first and need an adjustment period

OP, I know what it's like. Exh was a chef and then we had our own restaurant. I got home at 4.30pm, he went straight out to work and I took over with the kids. He was at home with them all day. I was off at weekends, he wasnt.

I can tell you it creates distance. You do need to make your own life when your days off and your evenings.

I mean he doesnt sound great either. But I dont think the issues are all him.

Not sure what you can do. You love your job. And if you and/or him cant compromise, you will either live like this forever or seperate. Seperate seems the better option.

You have been posting and moaning about him for about 5 years. Life wont change just because you want it to. It changes because you do something.

FinallyHere · 14/02/2020 08:03

Also he gets angry with me over the slightest thing. On a positive note we do still have sex*

This tote at the strings of my heart, I am so sorry for your situation. I just can't imagine having any desire to be intimate with someone who gets angry with me over the slightest thing.

adaline · 14/02/2020 08:14

I say that because unless you have to adjust to.working opposite shifts as we did with no childcare you don't know what it is like to barely see the person you married.

Plenty of people work opposite shifts when their children are small. It's fairly normal, although not ideal.

But your children are older now - sounds like your DS is in his teens or older so why do you still need to work the opposite shifts? For most people it's something they do temporarily while their kids are young, it's not a lifelong commitment to never seeing your partner.

If I had a partner who insisted on working 50+ hour weeks until 10.30 at night I wouldn't be waiting around either. You can't expect him to never make regular arrangements in case you might end up with a day off together in several months time.

I think you just don't realise what an impact your job has had on your marriage. My ex was a chef (before we got together) and he left the job because it destroyed his relationship and he never saw his kids because of the long hours. The relatively decent pay for his age didn't make up for the impact it had on his personal life.

Only you can decide what's more important - your career or your marriage. Unfortunately some people do have to choose. Unlike what the media will have us believe - you can't always have it all.

SW16 · 14/02/2020 08:19

Life wont change just because you want it to. It changes because you do something

This.

OP, I think you need to get this sorted. Have a good think to yourself, do you want to try and get your marriage back or do you want to see it as the end of a phase and move on?

If you want to make a go if it (and obviously that comes with the risk that your H dies not), then you need to find a time to have a serious conversation with him about how he feels. Both say what you get out of being together and what you would like to get. Each say honestly what you could do to provide that. Or how it can be achieved. Discuss whether you want to work together and rebuild a marriage that works in an ‘empty nest’. Couples counselling could really help.

Otherwise, be honest with yourself and him, take your courage in your hands and end it. Living like this will chip away at your self esteem more and more.

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 14/02/2020 09:10

Sw16 I agree.I think he buries his head in the sand even when he became redundant he wasn't making efforts to confront it

.Years ago I wanted to renew our vows.He became dismissive and a bit angry and said we were not in the right place for that.
I can't help thinking we are very different people.Every time we take a.step forward then something hurtful like this happens.
Easy for people to say change jobs when I earn more than dh.We loved on the breadline with the dcs so I have no desire to return to that misery.

OP posts:

TeacupDrama · 14/02/2020 09:21

The only time you appear to have together at home is 7-10am on Saturday and Sunday

It appears you have two days off in the week when your DH is working if these are the same two days every week you could spend these evening with DH and it would be reasonable for him not to have something on both of those evenings, however if you are off Monday and Tuesday one week and Wednesday and Friday the next, he can't plan like that he can't be expected to change things every week most hobby stuff runs on set nights so if he routinely does his hobby Monday, Wednesday and Friday it's fine if OP gets Tuesday and Thursday off but if she is off Monday and Wednesday he is out those days, it is hard but a solution is possible if you both want one, but it involves compromise

Warmfirechocolate · 14/02/2020 09:26

I’d force a holiday and soon. Just you both.

Neither of you have had a chance to reconnect. If he really doesn’t want to go on holiday or is refusing to engage, them at least you know it’s a deeper problem than time.

Also I’d stop,having sex but start saying how sexy you feel after going out for a meal... or after a long country walk... or even after a comedy show for half an hour before bed. Make sex something that happens after bonding, even small amounts.

adaline · 14/02/2020 10:02

Easy for people to say change jobs when I earn more than dh.We loved on the breadline with the dcs so I have no desire to return to that misery.

But there are other jobs that pay similar and don't involve such anti-social hours. You have picked a career that involves long hours and working weekends and bank holidays. Hospitality is notorious for the poor work-life balance it inflicts on its employees. That was a choice you made - presumably for a reason when your DC were small.

But your DC are older now so you have so much more flexibility than you did. You no longer have children to consider, for example. You no longer need to work until half ten, you could find a more flexible or traditional job with better hours and set days.

You clearly love your job and don't think you should to have to change anything about it, which is your choice, but don't expect your husband to stay in a relationship which involves him spending all his free time alone because you insist on working silly hours every week.

TeacupDrama · 14/02/2020 11:12

could you cut back to 40 hours a week or at least the 48 maximum no-one can force you to go beyond 48 hours and even if you signed a waiver you can rescind it at any time, as you have obviously been in this job much longer than two years you can't be penalised legally for refusing to work extra hours, could you ask for the same days off each week or at least 1 day that is consistently your day off if you could guarantee foe example Monday being your day off ( most restaurants are quieter on monday/tuesdays) then it would be reasonable for your DH to make sure he was free Monday evenings too and in return you don't swap shifts on Mondays both of you then guard that time together.
to me this seems a least six to half a dozen you need to sit down with diaries to at least plan your annual leave together as you have a legal entitlement to 28 days that should equate to at least 4-5 weeks when you could be together each year

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