Deciding on child contact after abusive marriage!

[Movingon83]

I’m on a bit of a journey emotionally and physically I guess after leaving my marriage a year ago due to bad emotional abuse (just realising how bad it was now)

Anyway, I stopped my H having unsupervised contact due to a multitude of reasons. It’s still going back and forth between lawyers as to where it will be and when, he deep down does not want to give in to my demands (after all he did nothing wrong...ever) How far do you go with this, how much should you give into. I’m a bit torn because I now know what this man did to me and what he is capable of doing. I would like him to disappear off the end of the earth but that’s my opinion. What is best for ds? He loves his dad, asks where he is and in return his dad loves whatever it is he loves (which is not ds’s best interests) It’s a really tough position to be in just when your trying to navigate through the fog of abuse. He absolutely will cause emotional damage to ds. Will it just be the case of damage control from my end? Me Leaving has put ds in a much better position but there is still danger in what’s ahead.

without knowing more or hearing the other side (theres always 2 sides to the story) its not easy to comment

but stopping a child from seeing a parent should never be done lightly. is it going to court soon?

It will go to court if he doesn’t agree to supervised visit. Definitely two sides to a story but unfortunately one side is written by the brothers grimm. It’s very heavy feeling to stop him seeing his dad. I have a duty to keep him safe but stopping him seeing his dad will break his heart I think.

supervised is fine but it will only be for a couple of visits as the aim will be to move to unsupervised anyway

so it just stalls it

cafcass involved? they will report to the courts . they won't stop/reduce/or suggest supervised just because you feel he will one day break his heart

Sorry I meant ds not seeing his dad will break his heart

How much should abuse effect your decision is I guess what I’m asking?

What are the demands you’re making that he doesn’t agree with and how long has DS not been allowed a relationship with his dad?

I 100% get where you're coming from in the fact that you're trying to prevent your DS from emotional harm. Unfortunately the courts won't really care about how your ex treated you, only about whether he's already hurt your son, either physically or emotionally and whether it's proven that he is likely to hurt him in the future.

If I were you I would weigh up the likelihood of whether going to court would allow your ex more or less contact than if you agreed out of court between yourselves. Supervised visits are only usually a temporary measure for him to prove he's capable which will then progress to unsupervised and very quickly to over nights.

I told him that he was not to have ds unsupervised and that he needs to see him at a contact Center. I said he can’t come to where I’m living as he continues to abuse me and my family. He tried lots of tactics, more abuse, anger, turning up at my door crying. It’s taken him 2 months to respond to my letter. Has said he can’t find a centre near to see him at because it’s when he’s at work.

It depends on the abuse, if the dc was witness and what effect it had on them. Was you ex's behaviour out of control or dangerous.
Because then it will probably go to court and they will in the intern ask ex to have supervised contact why carcass does a report. Four sessions unless you ex states at court he will not do this and will request to not have contact in the interim.

But eventually it will go to unsupervised if your ex isn't showing an neglectful signs.

I am currently in a similar position and even though I know this is what will probably happen, I will not allow contact until I am told by a judge and reports are made as I believe it is important for the contact to be recorded and for my dc to have as much chance to be safe.

Nothing more would I like for dc to spend the time with his df, but the concerns for dc to be safe is my only concern.
So though I know that Cafcass aren't the best, and unsupervised will eventually happen even if the ex hasn't made any real changes it's truly the only process to follow.

It's hard because you just want it to stop, but it's just something you have to follow. Try your best to see it as steps you have to take and not let it become all consuming

Wants me to travel to a Center an hour away, but I work when he has days off. I work 3 days and him 5.

what contact is he requesting?

It really depends on the abuse. The problem is that ‘emotional abuse’ can mean just about anything. Just because he was, in your opinion, an emotionally abusive husband it doesn’t necessarily make him an abusive father.

It really is impossible for anyone to answer your question without knowing more about the nature and form this ‘abuse’ took.

He agreed to the supervised against his will. I have too much evidence.

So how are you going to sort ir are you offering him one closer or getting someone else to take the child? You need a proactive plan

That is the next closest. There is no one my side that would do it, I tried a family member of mine for a while but he just used the opportunity to continue his abuse.

It’s hard to know what to do. I know he still wants me to dance to his tune. My love for ds will make me give in also. I guess as long as he is safe it’s all that matters!

what evidence do you have?

what is your solicitor saying?

The supervised contact is that at a centre? And is there going to be a report written for each visit?

How old is your son?

To give you an overview from a legal perspective, you can't unilaterally say he can't see his son If your ex doesn't agree he will go to court and it is rare for contact to be stopped or forced to use a contact centre for an indefinite period of time.

Courts promote access to parents unless the risk to the child is very high.

I think if your ex is agreeing to a contact centre try to make it work, rather than court because you never know how a judge will view the situation. Parents are frowned on for stopping access..it may not be fair but it is the reality.

This is ultimately what has been worrying me. I really didn’t want to make this decision but I didn’t know what else to do. Solicitors agreed and I had a MARAC assessment done who were very concerned about him having unsupervised access. He was very emotionally abusive, screamed and lost his temper in front of ds. Smoked weed. Ds has allergies (waiting on results) he couldn’t keep him safe, just wouldn’t listen to the advice from doc. Didn’t medicate, didn’t realise he was having reactions. Ds came home very unwell a lot, lots of trips to A and E. Every night he spent the day with him he was so bad, sick all night. I simply couldn’t cope, had to take days off work, not fair at all on ds. The house was disgusting, he didn’t wash, dress, feed him properly and the list goes on.

He basically wants ownership of ds but none of the responsibilities. I tried everything I could, bought all the food to feed him. Started off cleaning up then said I’d try and organise a cleaner. It’s simply not up to me to arrange his life for him:

He is 3 and 1/2

He is endangering your DS life, please ale it very very very seriously.

Your DS is better off alive with zero contact than the alternative. If he truly wants to see DS he will do whatever it takes whereas ever objection he makes says it's more about trying to control you.

This is my dilemma, working out if you can be a terrible husband and an ok father. But something just doesn’t sit right. How can you be a good father when you crush the mother of the child you say you love. Also all the other things that have happened that I’ve mentioned. I just want to do what is right for ds.

We can go to court, I’ll explain everything, show my evidence and a judge can frown on me but what can I do, I love this little boy which every inch of me.