Co-parenting with ex - help me solve this

[LaLaLandIsNoFun]

My child’s father is abusive. I’ve had to deal with years of him behaving unreasonably and in controlling ways. I’ve had four years of being the target of a smear campaign with no end in sight. I ended up having a break down and as a result he has residency.

We now share 50/50. DC has been having an issue with constipation for over a year. I have previously tried to tentatively raise this - I was brushed off. I have been simply ensuring I get things back on track whenever DC is with me. Then over the Christmas period DC twice produced stools the size and shape of a large orange and covered in blood. I decided to go to the GP. We were told to keep a food and stool diary. This resulted in him reporting regular bowel movements ranging between 3-6 on the Bristol stool scale. And yet whoever DC comes back into my care we’re consistently seeing a 2 until I get things back on track again. This is every single time DC has spend 5 days on the trot with him. Yesterday he took DC to the Drs. He had DC wait in reception whilst he went in for a private word with the GP. I know what he’s doing - he’s busy telling GO I’m mentally unwell etc etc. He’s done it time and again with every professional, and he’s managed to convince every single one that I am.

DC was nearly in tears last night trying to go to the toilet saying it was hurting. I’ve tried to communicate this with him and asked him how the Drs appointment went - he is simply ignoring me

I just do not know what to do anymore.

Bump

Have NCd for this, btw, as he has previously stalked me online, but I am a regular.

No real advice but could you try photographing the stools to go along side your food diary? Its a bit grim but it would at least prove that you are being accurate in what you are recording

Oh, poor you and your child. This sounds awful
I take it you have your son on weekends, which means you can't take him to the GP on your own?
Surely as a parent you have a right to see his records? It is absolutely not right that your ex keeps you in the dark like this, and I think you are going to have to take back some of the power on your own.
Do you have a lawyer? This whole thing sits very uncomfortably with me. We're no longer in the 50s, where the word of a man counts more, and he can convince those in authority that the little woman is crazy.
Hugs.

I have pictures - but I know what will happen there: he’ll say they could be pictures if anyone’s vowel movements. I cannot stress enough that he is so very good at playing the victim and is so charming - the only people that don’t buy it are the few friends I have left. My breakdown ended up in social services labelling me as a mentally unwell alcoholic liar who couldn’t take any responsibility. Completely not true and in fact I’ve just had 50% of my complaint upheld with the LA including an admission that the respires they put before the court were exaggerated and inaccurate. But I don’t have the money to go back to court.

DV is with me 50% of the time but he holds all the cards - the actual court order says supervised contact only.

I’m thinking of getting another SAR from the GP. The last time I did that I discovered that around the time he knew his control was slipping and a judge had ordered SS actually get off their arses and do a proper parenting assessment of me, his GF took DC to the Drs and said that DC had had a persistent cough for 18 months (so, they left a persistent cough for 18 months before going to the GP?) and that I smoked (I do, but only outside) At the same time DC started telling me in phone conversations that my house was smokey and that is why they were coughing - they were trying to create evidence.

Yes, he sounds like an abusive narcissist.
I'm wondering if there is a more specialist board for your post.
Maybe the mods could point you in the right direction, as I'm worried that you won't get the advice you need on here.
Have you tried Women's Aid and the Citizen's Advice Bureau for help?

WA and CAB are less than useless. I have turned everywhere over the years.

Court order says supervised contact only with which parent?

Do you drink to much OP? If so, are you get any support with that?

What behaviour is your ex citing as making you 'unwell'?

Do you have a solicitor? What advice have you sought?

Supervised contact only with me - but we’ve had 50/50 by agreement for over a year.

I do drink - and it is not excessive and the LA have been found to have exaggerated that.

I had a breakdown.

Solicitor said last year that I should just leave it.

I need to figure out how to go forward with this constipation issue - it can’t go on like this.

I don't understand what's going on here, OP.

What is the issue with your child's constipation? Are you saying that your husband is deliberately giving him food that makes it worse? Are you saying it's stress caused by being with his father?

Have you contacted Eric? It's a children's bladder and bowel charity. Perhaps give them a call and get some advice.

Have you considered holistic or private treatment?

I don’t know what is causing it - what I do know is that I get it sorted out, and then after 5 days away from me, we’re back to square 1. Ex has form for lying so I have no idea whether what he is writing in the diary is truthful or not.

Ex would go ballistic if I went private (not that I can afford to anyway)

I’ll contact ERIC.

how old is your DD? can she fill out the diary herself? or at least confirm that it is correct?

Im a little confused as to what you are actually asking? Advice on the constipation? Do you think the father is doing anything intentional?

Is your DC happy to go to their dads, happy to come to come to you etc?

Also, when you say, you get it sorted when she is with you, what do you do differently than he does? Is its a controlled diet, certain foods you restrict etc?

I’m asking for help trying to navigate this without rocking the boat too much. I’ve asked him for an update. Nothing. I’ve asked GP for update on last appointment. Nothing.

No special diet or anything - I just ensure plenty of fluids and lots of fruit and veg and by the end of 5 days everything’s back to normal.

I wouldn’t have any idea what I do differently to him - I can’t rely on what he tells me.

No, DC is not happy to go to dad’s but it is what it is.

Ahh I see. sorry i misunderstood what you were actually asking.

1. Can you take DC to a doct app on your own?
2. Is DC old enough to understand all of this ( No idea on age unless ive missed that in your thread?)
3. Write a letter (recorded delivery) asking for your DC medical history regarding the docts appointment ?

Is there any reason the GP wont update you on the appointment?

I’ve already been to GP twice. They wanted to see dad next
DC is old enough and we have lots of talks about fluids and fruit and veg and why it’s important
I’ll ask them for another SAR
I’m guessing he’s had a good chat with GP as he left DC in reception so they didn’t hear conversation, so I’m guessing that’s why I’ve not heard from GP. I half expect a referral to SS from GP as a result.

Surely the GP can't refer to SS, solely on the word of your ex?
I don't have anything else to suggest, but wish you well OP

If your child is old enough to read and write and understand the issues, (as you have explained to them) then perhaps they can keep their own food diary. See how much it differs from your partner's.

Most surgeries have online records for patients. Can you access your child's records online? Can you contact their GP and ask for a copy?

Do you think counselling would help your child? The constipation could be caused by stress or anxiety.

I think Eric would be able to tell you your options here and give you advice.

DC keeping their own diary would anger dad And DC is only 6 - no way will she remember.

Have tried the counselling route - turned down. I’ve been invited to a parenting course instead to help children with anxiety etc.

I’ll SAR the GP - it’ll take a while.

Can you afford private counselling ?

The parenting course sounds like it would really benefit in this situation. I am sure you would gain great tips on how to help her.

Prune juice is good for constipation. Can you buy some in little drink sizes, and always send them back to your ex with your child? I realise at 6 you shouldn’t be asking you child to keep a secret, but perhaps you could think of a way to tell them to have one every second day or something.

Note: I am not a doctor. I’ve used prune juice with great success in my family, but the logistics of sneaking it around are new to me.

There's some information here OP on counselling and help for children. Some of the organisations may offer free or low cost therapy.

Your husband's anger issues may be causing your child distress. However, I've no idea what's going on, just that you're saying he's abusive. You've been in contact with domestic violence services and they will have given you advice on keeping a log of his behaviour.

Another organisation to contact is Gingerbread. They have a very good helpline and may be able to directly advise or signpost you to someone who can help.

In the meantime, apply for access to the records and contact Eric.