Co-parenting with ex - help me solve this

[LaLaLandIsNoFun]

My child’s father is abusive. I’ve had to deal with years of him behaving unreasonably and in controlling ways. I’ve had four years of being the target of a smear campaign with no end in sight. I ended up having a break down and as a result he has residency.

We now share 50/50. DC has been having an issue with constipation for over a year. I have previously tried to tentatively raise this - I was brushed off. I have been simply ensuring I get things back on track whenever DC is with me. Then over the Christmas period DC twice produced stools the size and shape of a large orange and covered in blood. I decided to go to the GP. We were told to keep a food and stool diary. This resulted in him reporting regular bowel movements ranging between 3-6 on the Bristol stool scale. And yet whoever DC comes back into my care we’re consistently seeing a 2 until I get things back on track again. This is every single time DC has spend 5 days on the trot with him. Yesterday he took DC to the Drs. He had DC wait in reception whilst he went in for a private word with the GP. I know what he’s doing - he’s busy telling GO I’m mentally unwell etc etc. He’s done it time and again with every professional, and he’s managed to convince every single one that I am.

DC was nearly in tears last night trying to go to the toilet saying it was hurting. I’ve tried to communicate this with him and asked him how the Drs appointment went - he is simply ignoring me

I just do not know what to do anymore.

Did I understand that correctly- the GP asked to see your ex? Why was that? It seems strange. Can you not ask the go what happened in the appointment if your ex won’t tell you?

I had a log - it was meaningless.

Accessing private counselling will anger him. GP has already done referrals and those referrals have been refused.

OP your deference to your husband is bizarre. What would realistically happen if you organised therapy for your child? Is he going to come to your home and attack you? Will he take you to court for full access? Will he send you threatening messages?

A log of behaviour isn't 'useless' it builds evidence and a pattern of behaviour in order to prove abuse. As does keeping emails, text messages, reporting him to the police. It all adds up as evidence.

Coercive control, stonewalling, lying etc is very hard to prove.

Pushing things with him will potentially lead to him reverting to the court order and that would destroy our DC. I have no money to go back to court and am in a situation where I have been painted as a liar and mentally unwell and that has been accepted as fact.

That is why I’m afraid to rock the boat - it’s not bizzare.

Is the court order for the 50/50 contact that you have now, or for full custody in favor of ExP?

It’s for supervised contact only for me 2 Saturdays/month.

Anyway - that’s irrelevant because I cannot rock the boat.

I called the GP again - as far as they’re concerned according to dad everything is fine and normal. The food diary isn’t noted to have been seen and it’s been removed from DCs book bag so I guess it wasn’t taken in.

The court order is supervised contact?

What is going to 'destroy your child'? Is 'supervised contact' going to 'destroy' your child?

You've refused to build a log of evidence OP, so there's nothing to prove his behaviour in court. In order to get legal aid to help you with court, you need evidence of abuse. I'm sure this has all been explained to you.

I'm assuming that you've had help with your mental health issues, you can prove stability as a parent. You've perhaps had therapy and can get letters to prove that you're now well.

There is pro bono representation available if you can't afford it. There's also free legal advice available if you don't have the funds.

You can't spend the rest of your life kow towing to him so I suggest you start looking into what help is available.

I think all you can do is support/treat your dd when she is with you.

The narrative against you is strong, and documented in court, so do whatever you can do not rely on alcohol and cigarettes as these will be used against you.

Is your MH ok now? Do you work?

I have reams of evidence, including a conviction. Do you know what SS said? It wasn’t relevant.

You cannot get legal aid when you are living with someone who on paper earns too much - even when the DV/A resulted in a conviction.

Please understand I have been down every avenue. Pro bono is for barristers only and again, on paper my partner earns too much.

I have a clean bill of health, I had a clean bill of health when the order was made - the magistrate did not care. All they cared about was the LA saying supervised contact was the order they wanted and they’d be happy for myself and the ex to come to an agreement in the future if he felt it was ok (now that is bizzare)

I’ve already said that most of my complaint with the LS and their poor handling of the case had been upheld but it is irrelevant because the findings were already made, in court, on the basis of a poorly made report from SS.

I appreciate your comments on this but all I was asking for was ideas on how I could handle this without rocking the boat too much.

And yes, it would destroy DC - she hated barely seeing me and she is frightened much of the time that she will end up barely seeing me again. So yes, it would destroy her and so I have to tread carefully.

OP you've obviously been poorly advised, haven't gained advice or are refusing to take advise.

I've given you all the advice I can without dialling numbers for you.

The way not to 'rock the boat' is to carry on as you are and do nothing. Unfortunately, in order to make changes you need to act.

I hope someone else here can give you the magical advice you are seeking. I hope it all gets resolved.

@Techway

I volunteer at the school. Working is difficult at the moment because of the distance I live from school - today when I get home from the school run I will have driven 100 miles on two school trips. There is no breakfast club and only the odd after school club. The school is rural - the one child minder that does pick ups from there is full.

We took advice last year on the basis that the LA would be giving me an apology. That was never forthcoming. We spent a couple of thousand to—img and fro-ing as the LA hummed and ah-ed. Solicitor adulvised to leave it. 12 months on and I’ve had to go through the stage two complaints process. Yes, that could now possibly be helpful but our resources are completely drained at this point.

Have you joined #thecourtsaid or MothersUnite?

I follow them. Would like to say it’s nice not to be alone, but it’s not is it? Would be nice if those groups didn’t have to exist.

Just to reiterate, just support your daughter, perhaps practical steps like helping her with food choices at her Dads or how to be assertive.

Sometimes we can't protect our children when they are out of our care but you can give them strategies to cope. If courts and SS have decided against you recently it will be too soon to look to overturn.

Did you move away from your daughter as you mention a commute to school?

No, I didn’t move away. He put her in a school as far from me as possible whilst keeping it convenient for himself.

This isn’t that recent - it’s taken two years to get to stage two of the complaints with the LA. They took 18 months over stage 1, which started after the original order. She had been in my care 50% of the time for over a year.

I have been trying to giver her strategies, such as asking her dad to make a list with her if things she would like to do with him - maybe one day it will stick.

I just wonder if moving closer to her schools (also potentially secondary school) will help.

I had to send my dc to their dads when they didn't want to go, to avoid the risk of being accused of parental alienation. Over time they have been able to negotiate reduced time with him. It goes in phases, sometimes he is fine, others less so. I just support them through the tough times and they are coping.

Is she managing ok with school?

Moving is on the list - we have saved up to do so.

She’s doing fine at school

Though I’m fairly certain what will happen is once we move he’ll decide the school isn’t good enough and move her.

I think you are spot on in wanting to come up with a low key tactic.

Working on your daughters fluid intake sounds like something potentially within her control.

Have you already tried a water bottle for your daughter to take everywhere with her, and coaching her on how many bottles worth of water she should drink each day? You could help her come up with ideas for how she can fill it up herself, like standing on a chair/ step at your house, a water fountain at school, and some tactics for dad's house too?

Empowering your daughter to manage her choices as much as she possibly can seems like a useful approach.

Also, remember that it will pass. It's horrible watching our children in pain, but mostly your daughter will remember that you held her hand.

You have got this, I suspect you and your daughter will come up with a plan to handle it that will be smarter for your situation than anyone in an online forum can suggest x

@LaLaLandIsNoFun, as you have PR he won't be able to move schools without agreement or a very good reason. This is one area where PR kicks in and neither parent can make unilateral decisions. Your rights here would be protected.

Thank you for all your suggestions.

Yes, theoretically @Techway What often happens is that one parent does it anyway and then Family Court dont want yet another change for the child

Exactly, @horrayforharoldlloyd.

@horrayforharoldlloyd, this is one area that courts are tough on as it is seen as flouting PR. The nrp parent can apply for a PSO and it is certainly not a guarantee that a child can move, especially if contact with other parent could be disrupted. A parent who moves without informing the other parent is seen as acting unilaterally so it is frowned on. If a PSO is issued a PSO a court would order no change until a review had been conducted. Moving schools and changing surnames are the 2 areas of PR that are protected by courts.