Exh was my first and only boyfriend and I stayed with him for about 22 years. I divorced him due to walking on eggshells around him, his recurrent silent treatments (which would last 6 to 8 weeks at a time), and the fact that he refused to do things like put the family home in both names, or consider that other assets of “his” might be mine also. The divorce was horrible and we are not on speaking terms. We have teenage dc who live with me.
The first half of our marriage was better than the second half and one thing that did work between us was sex which I used to love. However I was 27 when I met H and had had literally no experience with men at all before that - none. I had had lots of crushes but must have been terminally shy.
Ex moved out almost two years ago and in any case the last few years of our marriage were almost completely sexless. He had also shown me no physical affection for years.
So now, I find myself wondering if and how I will ever sleep with anyone again??? In December I joined an online dating site and since the end of December and the end of last week went on 7 dates with one guy. He has now said that for various reasons he doesn’t want to date but would rather be friends. I was reaching that point myself but also feel sad as I really liked him.
However, I have no idea how to gauge any potential feelings of attraction as I am kind of terrified. He was clearly spooked by the lack of partners in my life (being someone who has been in many relationships), and because of this didn’t want to make any moves on me and was kind of waiting for me to do it. But I couldn’t because though I could kind of tell that he fancied me (which he also told me), I was terrified, and also, he didn’t make it any easier by being reticent himself.
On the last two dates we managed to kiss on the mouth but they were just goodbye kisses on the mouth, not passionate, and I kind of felt nothing 
.
So while I did fancy him - or at least in my head I did, I don’t know if feeling nothing when we “kissed” meant that actually I really didn’t, or if it was the lack of emotion on his part - he was kind of guarded - which meant I felt nothing. He is a lovely guy and I really enjoyed his company.
More to the point, I wonder how I am EVER going to get close enough to anyone to sleep with them. It’s like being the shy inexperienced person I was at 27 all over again. Only it’s weirder this time round.
I literally cannot imagine getting to the stage where I might be in bed with someone who isn’t exh, but I don’t want him back thanks very much (not that that’s an option).