Exh was my first and only partner, terminally shy about sex with a potential new person

[Justhow]

Exh was my first and only boyfriend and I stayed with him for about 22 years. I divorced him due to walking on eggshells around him, his recurrent silent treatments (which would last 6 to 8 weeks at a time), and the fact that he refused to do things like put the family home in both names, or consider that other assets of “his” might be mine also. The divorce was horrible and we are not on speaking terms. We have teenage dc who live with me.

The first half of our marriage was better than the second half and one thing that did work between us was sex which I used to love. However I was 27 when I met H and had had literally no experience with men at all before that - none. I had had lots of crushes but must have been terminally shy.

Ex moved out almost two years ago and in any case the last few years of our marriage were almost completely sexless. He had also shown me no physical affection for years.

So now, I find myself wondering if and how I will ever sleep with anyone again??? In December I joined an online dating site and since the end of December and the end of last week went on 7 dates with one guy. He has now said that for various reasons he doesn’t want to date but would rather be friends. I was reaching that point myself but also feel sad as I really liked him.

However, I have no idea how to gauge any potential feelings of attraction as I am kind of terrified. He was clearly spooked by the lack of partners in my life (being someone who has been in many relationships), and because of this didn’t want to make any moves on me and was kind of waiting for me to do it. But I couldn’t because though I could kind of tell that he fancied me (which he also told me), I was terrified, and also, he didn’t make it any easier by being reticent himself.

On the last two dates we managed to kiss on the mouth but they were just goodbye kisses on the mouth, not passionate, and I kind of felt nothing .

So while I did fancy him - or at least in my head I did, I don’t know if feeling nothing when we “kissed” meant that actually I really didn’t, or if it was the lack of emotion on his part - he was kind of guarded - which meant I felt nothing. He is a lovely guy and I really enjoyed his company.

More to the point, I wonder how I am EVER going to get close enough to anyone to sleep with them. It’s like being the shy inexperienced person I was at 27 all over again. Only it’s weirder this time round.

I literally cannot imagine getting to the stage where I might be in bed with someone who isn’t exh, but I don’t want him back thanks very much (not that that’s an option).

Bumping my own thread , but also to say that I feel as if I have this impenetrable space around me and that I will never be able to get over this awful shyness. But at my age it is just weird to be this shy. Who is going to want to take on that in a dating situation ??

It'll get easier the more experience you have. Go on dates and enjoy it. Have a few drinks and if you feel something then go with it. experience doesn't matter, what matters is what you feel at the time.

I think you really have to push yourself to try it, a few drinks may well help on dates too

Online dating is completely crazy.
Think of it as a rollercoaster instead of a test drive .
Find someone you absolutely can’t resist then throw caution (not safety) to the wind.
There is much fun to be had as long as you’re not looking for a life partner.

If you want to do that, It should come later, once you’ve discovered what you want and how to navigate the murky waters.

OP I know exactly how you feel. I just cannot imagine having sex with a man I barely know, particularly if it required me to have a few drinks to actually do it. I shudder at the idea of having to 'push myself' to try it, or that it 'gets easier' the more one does it.

OLD seems to be a total minefield. I've dipped in and out of the dating thread here and I'm somewhat horrified as the expectation seems to be to 'shag' after just two or three dates.

So I have absolutely nothing useful to say, OP, but I empathise.

I guess my ideal scenario would be being able to get to know someone slowly. With the guy I dated, I would have liked to spend more time with him, and (if it was supposed to happen which I am not sure it was) get closer, but slowly. Maybe online dating by definition moves fast and people just don’t have that kind of time or patience?

I haven’t kissed anyone for years and have forgotten how to do it (it feels like), even kissing would have to be massively built up to in my case. Or I would love to kiss someone but after I had actually been closer to them in lots of ways, not just cold.

Yeah not into shagging people I hardly know either, simply because if it then lead to nothing I would have let so much of my own guard down or made myself so vulnerable that I would be devastated. Am pretty upset about the guy I was dating who was so nice in so many ways, can’t imagine how much worse I would feel if we had got closer physically.

But maybe for lots of people, or for men, it’s the physical contact which shows you are interested, and that’s how they bond with people? Genuine question though I know it sounds like a generalisation.

@Justhow - you have very neatly summarised how I feel!

I get the impression that OLD almost presupposes that one jumps in head first, and taking it slow doesn't seem to be an option. Although perhaps, with the man you dated, the attraction just wasn't there, at least on your side?

One other problem with dating if one is no longer in the first flush of youth is that prospective partners simply aren't as physically attractive as guys in their 20s and 30s. I realise this works both ways, but it is nevertheless a barrier to overcome. There simply isn't that overwhelming sense of wanting to be with someone that I remember from my youth.

And I totally get your fear of making yourself vulnerable or getting hurt. I think I'd be devastated if I actually slept with someone who then discarded or 'ghosted' me. And yes, the latter actually does happen...

So, I'm afraid I do not have any answers other than to persevere and proceed cautiously. And above all guard your heart so you don't get hurt. There must be a way of striking a fine balance between becoming overinvested too soon versus holding back so much as to put them off. At least I hope so

Another one with 'trust issues'.

I was heartbroken at the end of my marriage whereas he moved swiftly on.

I also really loved sex, but it seems only with that person! We were married for a very long time. The thought of a strange penis, strange scent, their habits, lack of connection

... makes me run a mile tbh!!

@ScreamingLadySutch - yes, to everything you wrote... Hell, I know what this feels like!

OP you're two years out of a LTR and two years sexless before that. From what you say it sounds like your self esteem and self confidence are completely shot to pieces.
Perhaps working on those parts of your personality would be better until you feel confident again. It doesn't mean you shouldn't date as dating can be a way of boosting confidence if you're selective in who you date.
Take things at your own pace, good men have patience and are sensitive and will nurture the relationship if they are keen to do so.
It is about building trust and having the feeling of being desired, good men know this and are able to be supportive.
It makes for a better relationship and ergo better sex.

Have you considered a one night stand on your own terms? I had been with my exH from 14 when we split I was so worried about it all. But I felt empowered by going out and flirting and then decided to have a few one night stands. One man I went on to another few dates but I wasn’t ready for a relationship at all. It meant when I was ready for a relationship the sex thing wasn’t a huge issue for me. The one night stand sex wasn’t fab- well, one wasn’t bad actually- but it made me feel more confident in myself.

There must be a way of striking a fine balance between becoming overinvested too soon versus holding back so much as to put them off.

Yes I have been wondering about this. Any way you look at it it’s a risky business because I didn’t realise how lonely I was until it looked as if that loneliness might “end” so I kind of feel worse now.

Perhaps working on those parts of your personality would be better until you feel confident again.

Yes but I am not sure what to do to regain a grounded and confident sense of self - how do I do that?

Although perhaps, with the man you dated, the attraction just wasn't there, at least on your side?

I actually don’t know. If we had been more relaxed I might have been able to tell. I definitely found him attractive in lots of ways and already miss the fact that I won’t be hearing from him / meeting up with him. I felt that we got on and had quite a lot in common. I know people remain friends with people they have dated so it would be nice if we could do that.

Ok, try watching Stephanie Lyn coaching videos on YouTube. She has lots on building your self esteem and loving yourself. As daft as it sounds, maybe binge watch some dating programmes like the millionaire matchmaker. She's good on boundaries and seeing other people dating on screen might help you find some fun in it? But. I am single

Looking on the positive side, you've had your first run of dating with a new man, it didn't go faster than you wanted, you've both acted like adults and are even managing to end it nicely.

I was in the same boat as you OP, and can hardly believe that I am now a sexually experienced woman who has many, many three notches on her bedpost. Also felt weird at first but then I found one I definitely did fancy and it clicked.

Thanks I will look at Stephanie Lyn @yesterdaystotalsteps123.

Have you considered a one night stand on your own terms? I think I am just too shy for this and it would kind of mess with my head. If I had slept with my date and he had then said he just wanted to be my friend, I would be a basket case at the moment.

@ScreamingLadySutch I know how you feel. Would you like to be in a new relationship?

@ravenmum I guess the thing about things not going faster than I wanted with my date is that they didn’t really go anywhere and I am worried that somehow it was because I wasn’t able to get past my own shyness. I say they didn’t go anywhere - I mean physically. Emotionally I really like him and now feel kind of bereft. He’s sweet, funny, kind, intelligent, has a job I find interesting, shares some of my interests, is interesting to talk to, understood what I had been through in my marriage, listens intently, is empathetic, you name it . What am I supposed to do about how shit this now feels? (He said that a lot was going on for him and that an ex from a long time ago had got in touch with him so he wasn’t ready and he felt bad about carrying on with our dates.)

I am worried that somehow it was because I wasn’t able to get past my own shyness.
You say that he was also quite reserved, though? Doesn't sound one-sided. When I think about it, I've always ended up going for pretty outgoing men, as that is so much easier, when one person isn't reserved!

I know what you mean about it feeling worse when you've had a brief glimpse of a life in a relationship again, and then it's taken away.
But ... I feel a bit like I married the first man I slept with, and that turned out to be a shitty idea in the end - so this time around I really would like to try out a few, and not just get together with the first one I meet again!

@ravenmum - yes he was also reserved - I think this was his nature but he also felt strange about making a move because of my relative lack of experience and the fact that I am quite recently out of a very difficult marriage.

I also married the first man I slept with and I know what you mean about not repeating that and actually finding out about different types of people, but what if that first or second or whatever person you meet is actually the one who might be best? Not saying that my date was, but it felt sad knowing that he might just be my intro to the world of dating person .

what if that first or second or whatever person you meet is actually the one who might be best?
Really annoying! 😂
Maybe that's just the mindset that you (we) have if you've only had one relationship, though. Even just having had two more relationships I am already starting to see that actually, there really are loads of men out there that I'd probably get on with brilliantly. (Still doesn't make it any easier to end it with someone, but hey.)

Maybe that's just the mindset that you (we) have if you've only had one relationship, though. Yes maybe. Are you with someone at the moment @ravenmum?

(Still doesn't make it any easier to end it with someone, but hey.) No .

I had a year or so with a very dodgy but fun bloke, and have now been 3 years with an equally fun but less dodgy guy. But I'm probably going to have to move away for a while (abroad) so it doesn't look like I'll be able to have a deeper relationship, purely practically, for a few years. Bit of a shame.

Your fun blokes sound great @ravenmum. I hope it works out with your current one in the way that you want despite your move abroad .

(Did you meet them through online dating @ravenmum?)

Yes, I did try some other things but real life takes more patience!

Yes and so many of us are constrained by our circumstances. People keep telling me to go out and do stuff but it’s not easy when you are knackered by work and have dc.

The other sad thing about my online date is that over the course of our 7 dates we went all over the place, and there are now loads of places I want to avoid . It was the excitement and hope connected with all of it which was so nice and now it’s a bit shit .