Claire's Law Application

[DaniMoo]

Hey
Hoping someone can help? Before I drive myself insane.

I have recently starting dating someone new and it has come out, through me finding out as opposed to him telling me, that back in 2014 he went to prison for 7 months. (Drug related crime)

I confronted him, he said he was embarrassed and was going to tell me when the time was right.

Anyway... On the back of this, I have requested a Claire's Law Disclosure. I have children and I won't put their safety at risk for anyone. There has been absolutely no violence or even a hint of violence towards me. In fact he is one of the kindest, most respectful guys I have met. But I'm a mum!

Today I had a phone call from the police to ask me to attend the police station and have a 'chat'. This means, I'm guessing, they have something to disclose.

My question is... would they disclose the fact that he was in prison even though it was drug related? Or does this mean there is definitely DV in his past? They wouldn't disclose over the phone and I can't get an appointment until after half term to go in. I am freaking out just a little bit. Also have plans to see him, not that I'm scared of him at all. But feels like everything is up in the air.

Thanks in advance for any help!!!

OP in requested to sign an NDA, she cannot tell the whole Mumsnet what was disclosed.

I just hope women have your tenacity and do Claire's Law if they end up dating my ex. He too was kind and respectful... at first.
You should be proud of yourself for putting your children and your safety first. You did the right thing. Wishing you well.

Hope you’re ok.

Vivien
Of course- silly me

Sorry to hijack but what's the difference between Claire's Law & Sarah's Law?

Hope you're ok OP.

one is domestic violence and one is for paedophilia, child sexual abuse etc.

Well done for trusting your instincts.

And the NDA isn't necessarily relevant on this anonymous forum btw.

OP in requested to sign an NDA, she cannot tell the whole Mumsnet what was disclosed

We don't know the bloke's name or anything like that, so it wouldn't be disclosing anything to let us know what she found out.

Best wishes OP xxx

I think you should be very proud of yourself OP.

It's a difficult process to go through. You've absolutely done the right thing. We all want to give people chances in life and build healthy relationships, some people prevent this when they keep parts of their life from us. These abusers are very good at what they do, they play out a role and are loving, charming, polite and considerate. They lull you into a false sense of security. If they showed themselves and punch us on a first date they know it would be the end of any relationship prospects. So they lie, keep their pasts and abuse secret, only divulging bits of information.
This law has proven to be invaluable to many women. Well done for having the courage to use it. I wish you the very best x

Hope you got the info you needed @DaniMoo did the police tell you?

Well done for putting your children first xx

Yes. I got the information. I can't and don't want to share it. The police were so professional and lovely and there was also an IDVA present too. Made me realise I am actually very lucky with my circumstances, but imagine that some women aren't so lucky.

Thank you for all your kind words. And please, please make the application if you feel the need.. men and women!

Thanks for letting us know, OP. Well done. Best of luck for the future.

As PP's said, great work being so thorough in finding out about this guy.

So, you don't need to give us any details, but do you think you'll keep seeing him OP? x

This sent chills down my spine. I found out the hard way and have so many times wished I’d been brave enough and less self-doubting of my gut instinct to do what you have OP. I’m sure you’ve been left reeling and possibly feeling quite shocked given what sounds like a lucky escape. Thank goodness for these laws, and well done for acting so fast. Best wishes for the future.

@NoMoreDickheads The most recent offence was nearly 10 years ago, but as everyone knows not all DV cases make it to the police. And it was a pretty serious offence.

I haven't seen him since. As part of signing the NDA I cannot talk to him about this either because of the potential risk it could raise to those that were involved. So, not that there's any excuse. But, I will never have that context unless he volunteers the information, which I seriously doubt!

Knowing what I know, I'd never want him to meet my kids and I guess because of that there's no future there.

As I said in my OP there have been no signs of violence and I don't feel scared at all around this man. Right now.

But it really does raise the question for me... can people change? I'm not the same person I was 10 years ago. And honestly, if it was just me, I might have taken the risk because I really like this guy. But for my kids sake I can't involve them in that possible risk.

It's really tough, because I don't see the man that they are talking about...

That's amazing, you will give other people hope! Stay safe x

I wouldn't even risk it... life is too short.

*But it really does raise the question for me... can people change? I'm not the same person I was 10 years ago. And honestly, if it was just me, I might have taken the risk because I really like this guy. But for my kids sake I can't involve them in that possible risk.

It's really tough, because I don't see the man that they are talking about...*

I think you are being incredibly generous.

Were you a violent/abusive person 10 years ago?

He has had 10 years to learn to hide his nature.

It’s hugely common in abusive relationships for women to share that they saw no signs of abuse until they were pregnant/married/living together. Domestic abusers are incredibly skilled at hiding their abusive nature until their partner is too invested in the relationship to be able to leave. I therefore would not consider the lack of concern so far to be evidential of him changing his ways. Abusers are often the way they are through complex and abusive backgrounds that require significant amounts of therapeutic support in order for them to positively change. It is unlikely that he has changed without this.

Oh dear, my ex went to prison for violence to an ex partner, I didn't find out straight away. He went on to be violent to me but I only reported it once 10 years ago, but the last time he was violent was 3 years ago. To anyone that meets him he seems lovely and charming, aren't they all at first?

My experience of Clare's Law is a little different and I thought it may help others to hear mine.

I was in an awful relationship. I didn't know about Clare's Law. I only wish I had. I had gone to the police in a no names basis after it ended, and later named him and he was arrested. I found out then that there were a significant number of other women who had made similar complaints. As is often the case the CPS didn't prosecute.
He then got a new gf. The police asked me if I could get her contact details for them so they could offer her Clare's Law. They told me that they would tell her it had been requested by a concerned third party.
So you can request that CL disclosure be offered to a friend or relative if you are concerned.
In her case they did not carry out any form of checks, they just called her and offered her the disclosure then and there (I think probably because they felt she was at genuine immediate risk). Sadly, she declined it saying she "knew it was all a pack of lies". But at least I tried and she can always re-request it. Hopefully it will have planted a seed which may protect her.

When I put in a request I didn't need to show ID or anything, I did it all over the phone. I would definitely do it again if I meet someone new. Well done, OP

But it really does raise the question for me... can people change?

My violently abusive ex, who nearly murdered me several times, was a positively lovely human being to everyone except for those few women who were closest to him - sister, mum, girlfriend.

I was very happy and felt perfectly safe with him for some time. It wasn't until we got much closer that he let me see the monster inside.

Can abusers change? I suppose nothing is impossible, and it could depend on what type of abuse(s) he committed. But honestly, I don't think they do. Some hide it better or longer than others, some may hold it at bay until they drink or whatever loosens the lock on that cage, but I doubt if they could ever fully be trusted. I wouldn't!