I'm dying inside

[hungryhass]

I found out last week my fiancé has been cheating. This is the second time I’ve caught him and I’m sure there are other instances I do not know about. The thing is - he does not know I know...

We have a 2 year old son. I am between jobs so have no money. I have debt which he ran up which he IS paying. We also have a car on finance in my name which he pays.

I want to leave but feel I would be shooting myself in the foot if I tell him I know now. He has a lump sum of money due to come into a business account in my name. I know that if I left he would not give me all the money to pay off the debt

• prob just try and send me money each month then default! He would try and take the car (as he pays for it) and buy me a banger. If I leave with the debt not paid I will have to go back to my dads and deal with paying it off for years.

I was thinking;

1	 Wait until he gets paid (into my account), pay off the debt, and set aside £20k of savings which I had when we first met but he squandered.
2	By this time I would have secured a job - so happy days - go and rent a flat for me and my boy!
3	Leave him the rest. 

What would you do? I’m not a nasty person at all but he has walked over me since we have met and I’ve had enough. Everyone says I’m too soft. He lied about a son he has and has turned my life upside down with lies upon lies.

Mentally I can’t cope. I’ve spent the last 5 days in bed. - I went to the Gp to speak about the fact that I can’t cope and bottled it.

I cry because he’s told other women he is single and has no children. I cry because I am sad. Am I angry? - yes but after last year I’m not surprised he has done it again.

I tried to leave him last year. He because depressed and suicidal so i May have to tread carefully?

I’m aiming to wait until the money comes. Then when he is away for work (or with his new gf) pay off what I need and move out.

I don’t want to have anything to do with him other that our son.

I can go back to my dads and live rent free but I would rather start fresh with me and my son. A new job at the salary I am normally on would cover all expenses if I rent.

Speaking to him now as if I don’t know is killing me inside!

Am I being too harsh? What would you do?

How long would you have to wait until the money comes in? If I were you I would try to reality. Don't let on you know, pretend to have some sort of infection that means you can't have sex and try to act natural. Harden your heart as best you can and focus on a better future for yourself and your child.

Reality=wait

Financially you're definitely best off keeping your powder dry, so long as you're SURE that he is due this money. Have you seen any documentation to support this?

I would wait for the money and then GTFO the second it hits my account. I wouldn't tell him I'm leaving and I surely wouldn't listen to any of his gaslighting bullshit. Start preparing and be ready to go.

Not- not being harsh and so sorry you are going through such a horrible time.
Take him for every penny you can get.
What time frame are you looking at? Is it do-able for you to hang on for a bit longer?
Emotionally disconnect and start getting your ducks in a row.
Despite your heart ache you sound an amazingly strong woman and you will be far better off without him. Cold comfort I know 🙁

Sounds like a plan, if you can keep calm and play the long game then do it!

Then, when you've left his sorry arse, tell EVERYONE what a scumbag he is and go and get a sexual health check!

Good luck OP

This sounds like a financial nightmare and I worry that somewhere in that plan you’ve missed out the part where you get arrested for theft.... these are not insignificant amounts of money you are talking about. ( I don’t even want to know why it’s going into your account... it sounds dodgy as fuck)

Yes I would wait for the money then get the fuck out.

How long though until the money comes? Are we talking weeks or months??

Yes of course money is vital for your stability but if you've got say, a 3 month wait, will you be able to cope ?

Who is the legal owner of the car? If in your name and the finance is in your name, the car belongs to you and you can do what you want with it. I would sell it and pay off the remainder of the finance personally. I'm guessing the finance was in your name due to his poor credit record? That also means he has no way of proving any claim on that car.

Really, grab every penny you can now. You just know someone like that will not pay regular maintenance.

And get it in writing everything you afree.

*agree

I agree with the others - it depends on how long you'll have to wait.

Never underestimate the importance of money at this point, OP.

Can the doctor give you something to help you cope? It's a terrible situation to be in.

So money that is legally his, is being paid into your account and you are planning on clearing the debt them keeping 20k. Without his agreement, and leaving?

I would check what legal position that leaves you in. It's being paid onto your account, that doesnt mean you can do what you want with it

@kirkman, she says, "Wait until he gets paid (into my account), pay off the debt, and set aside £20k of savings which I had when we first met but he squandered."

Why on earth is he does he have debt and car finance in your name?

If it was me, I'd try to claw back every penny as soon as possible. Stay with your father as he's willing to put the pair of you up.

How do you know for certain he's even going to pay you back? The debt and car are both in your name.

OP, does he have to pay tax on that money?

Do you have two identical threads on this?

And?

Unless she can prove she didnt allow him to spend that money and he just did anyway, that was her choice to give him access to it.

If the money is being paid to her, but with a set arrangement and she just keeps 20k, she could find herself in legal trouble.

If she can get him to admit he owes her 20k, that would be better. But no where does she say he has agreed to pay her that back.

The OP is probably getting the money into get account as a tax dodge for him.

I would definitely wait for the money then get out ASAP. He can take you to court if he likes which will cost him ££££. You can say you assumed the money was repayment for all the debt. I doubt he will bother though as if he’s scamming the HMRC tax he could get prosecuted himself.

Sounds like a win for you OP!

Also - please go to the doctor’s, get friends around you, family too. Don’t suffer like this
alone, you need support 💐

I know it doesnt feel like it but you are In a fortunate position. I was left with partners debt in the past and never had the patience you have.
Obviously depends how long you have to wait, weeks or months?
Even still it's nothing compared to being stuck in debt for years.
Wait it out and become better off for the future and finally be happy with your son, raise him to know how a woman should be treated as I'm sure you will after this experience.
My ex said he would pay me monthly, cash in hand though no transfer. I don't know how game but I chose to close the door on him and learn the hard way. I paid it off myself and now with my new partner I make sure we are equals.

Get it in messages that he owes you the money !!!! After I split with my ex could not get him to admit it!

If you can wait, get the money and proceed with your plan. Don't let him take the good car.
Put yourself first and make sure you walk away with what you are owed.
It's all about ducks in a row and this sounds like a good way to do that!

How long until the payment?
If you are finding it difficult now could you manage it for several weeks if the money isn’t due soon. I don’t think I could tbh. I would have to leave.
So sorry

The car is in your name, why would he be able to take it?!

Do you need to report one?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3821212-i-m-dying-inside?watched=1&msgid=93886195#93886195