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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm dying inside

43 replies

hungryhass · 12/02/2020 16:35

I found out last week my fiancé has been cheating. This is the second time I’ve caught him and I’m sure there are other instances I do not know about. The thing is - he does not know I know...

We have a 2 year old son. I am between jobs so have no money. I have debt which he ran up which he IS paying. We also have a car on finance in my name which he pays.

I want to leave but feel I would be shooting myself in the foot if I tell him I know now. He has a lump sum of money due to come into a business account in my name. I know that if I left he would not give me all the money to pay off the debt

prob just try and send me money each month then default! He would try and take the car (as he pays for it) and buy me a banger. If I leave with the debt not paid I will have to go back to my dads and deal with paying it off for years.

I was thinking;

1	 Wait until he gets paid (into my account), pay off the debt, and set aside £20k of savings which I had when we first met but he squandered.
2	By this time I would have secured a job - so happy days - go and rent a flat for me and my boy!
3	Leave him the rest.

What would you do? I’m not a nasty person at all but he has walked over me since we have met and I’ve had enough. Everyone says I’m too soft. He lied about a son he has and has turned my life upside down with lies upon lies.

Mentally I can’t cope. I’ve spent the last 5 days in bed. - I went to the Gp to speak about the fact that I can’t cope and bottled it.

I cry because he’s told other women he is single and has no children. I cry because I am sad. Am I angry? - yes but after last year I’m not surprised he has done it again.

I tried to leave him last year. He because depressed and suicidal so i May have to tread carefully?

I’m aiming to wait until the money comes. Then when he is away for work (or with his new gf) pay off what I need and move out.

I don’t want to have anything to do with him other that our son.

I can go back to my dads and live rent free but I would rather start fresh with me and my son. A new job at the salary I am normally on would cover all expenses if I rent.

Speaking to him now as if I don’t know is killing me inside!

Am I being too harsh? What would you do?

OP posts:

notangelinajolie · 12/02/2020 17:39

If you can I would try and recoup some money. If you don't - you will end up in an even bigger mess.

JumpinMum · 12/02/2020 17:46

Thanks all - sorry I haven't used this all in a while. I have 2 threads by accident. Deleted one from fear he would find out (I know - paranoid)

I am looking at a 2/3 month wait for the money to come in.

JumpinMum · 12/02/2020 17:47

It's getting paid into a business account in my name as he had bad credit at the time and could not open one in his name.

JumpinMum · 12/02/2020 17:50

@HollowTalk - yes. It will be me having to pay tax on it as the business account is in my name (not his). So that something I have to think about too!

JumpinMum · 12/02/2020 17:53

@Kirkman - I understand what you are saying. But on the flip side I gave him access to my credit card which he cleared out and promised to pay back. My fault? Yep ok. BUT NOW I have access to cash in my account so we are even right?

I can't imagine him chasing me legally. But if he does I'll Just chase him for the money he owes me!

Kirkman · 12/02/2020 17:53

If it's going into a business account you cant just take a load of it.

Op, get legal advice or at least speak to an accountant to see the implications of it going into a business account.

He definitely should be giving you your money back.

But I would be interested to know how someone you just met got access to 20k of your money and squandered it and on what.

RantyAnty · 12/02/2020 17:54

What did he spend all your money on and where is this lump sum coming from?

See if you can get a job of some sort and either move back in with your dad or get a flat right before the money comes in so you can just get your things and go to your new place.

Don't be nice. This guy thinks nothing of screwing your over.

Kirkman · 12/02/2020 17:54

My fault? Yep ok. BUT NOW I have access to cash in my account so we are even right?

Morally, yes.

Legally, no. And who just walks away from 20k?

JumpinMum · 12/02/2020 18:05

@Kirkman - sorry maybe I didn't make myself clear. When we met I had £20k savings. He asked to borrow it to flip cars and I said yes. He spent it on paying back his own debt in the end. I just feel like a right mug.

JumpinMum · 12/02/2020 18:08

@NotJustACigar thank you. I'm really trying my best! Going for an std check tommorw 😒

JumpinMum · 12/02/2020 18:19

@Kirkman - the money getting paid into the account belongs to the business - not him. And the business account is in my name. It's just work he has done under the business name. He would not go after me for any money because after this I won't have any! And he knows he owes me the money. I'll speak to our accountant. I just want to cover the money that the business would owe to HMRC then close it after that. He can struggle to open a business account for his business after that!

Fairycake2 · 12/02/2020 21:30

Definitely wait for the money but get prepared in the meantime and be ready to go once it hits your account. Clearly the £20k is what he owes you but check the legal position if you can. Good luck

Heartburn888 · 12/02/2020 22:40

I’d take some legal advice before just taking the money. If you don’t have any written agreement I’d be inclined to think that he could just say you ran up the debt and wanted the car for yourself. Maybe make up a story to try and have the finance transferred over to him? Don’t know what you could say though but then at least it’s one thing less for you to pay?

Or alternatively text him and say your really worried about the loan you took for him and the car finance taken for him being defaulted and ask for reassurance that he will defo pay it off and screenshot that and then just take what you need from the account

Don’t worry about being too harsh he’s tried to hide his own flesh and blood from you and he’s cheated - he’s the one that’s harsh and that is putting it very very very politely!

Heartburn888 · 12/02/2020 22:47

Also if he has access to your online banking change the passwords so he can’t transfer to another account. If he has your bank card you can fiddle with the setting to stop any transactions or online spending

AcrossthePond55 · 12/02/2020 23:07

From what I understand, he performed some sort of work (for himself) using your business 'entity' as a cover. And the cheque to pay for this 'job' is being written (or deposit made) in the name of your business.
Is the work he did in the same line as your business (like you're both IT contractors or something)?

I think you should take legal advice. Because if there's any way to trace that he did the work and you knowingly accept the payment on his behalf rather than you being his employer or partners, that might be considered theft. Not to mention allowing your business entity to be used to allow someone to dodge taxes. I'm sure that would be frowned on, too.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but if you allowed him to run up debt in your name, then you weren't very wise. If it's in your name then it's your debt. But that doesn't mean you get to use what is technically his money to pay it. Anymore than it would be legal for you to go into his wallet and take the cash. Morally you may be in the right, but legally it's still theft.

Chocmallows · 12/02/2020 23:24

I would normally say have everything out in the open, but you are not married (won't benefit from a divorce with financial split) and you know your financial situation is poor due to him.

If you were not aware of the affair you would now be carrying on as you said, the money would come in and presumably would be used against debt. At this point if you didn't know about the affair and he wanted to keep his pretence of being a family man going he would be likely to go along with you clearing the debt and keeping money back to balance him spending it beforehand. Even better if you can thank him for being so supportive for giving you the money back and capture a reply where he says it is fine... after this you find out about the affair and separate, but the money is sorted and you have a record that he had agreed it was to pay you back.

But... you would have to find out about the affair afterwards and that is a lot of anxiety damaging your mental health?

hellsbellsmelons · 13/02/2020 09:52

This all depends how long you will have to wait for the money.
That could be lies as well.
How do you know it's true? How do you know this is really going to happen?
For your own mental health you need to get out asap.

YasssKween · 13/02/2020 10:18

How long is it until the money is meant to be paid?

Personally I think if it isn't months on end, your plan is VERY sensible.

Keep your powder dry and secure future security, it's an amount that's worth it IMO.

You know that you know, focus on the long game. Make up a UTI or something like that if you need to make sure he doesn't keep trying to sleep with you.

I'm so sorry - don't ever let someone rack up debt in your name again, you poor thing

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