DP doesn't like me having male friends

[heybabes]

Been seeing each other for just over a year, he's 37, I'm 28. We don't live together yet but saving to get somewhere this year.

On the whole, we have a really great relationship. We're best friends as well as partners, same sense of humour, shared interests, hobbies. He's kind, caring, thoughtful and very attractive - I really couldn't ask for more.

Unfortunately there is one issue that is getting us both down. He gets very jealous and too easily. I've always had just as many male friends as I have female friends but I don't think he's used to it.

Even if I invite him along to stuff with male friends, he gets grumpy if I speak to them for too long. He makes comments if I tell him I'm meeting up with a male friend for lunch (as I do often and always have, with friends I've had before we even met) and he says things like "Romantic meal for 2?"

He said he trusts me etc but thinks it isn't normal to have 1-1 meet ups with other men - that people who don't know will think we're a couple and that bothers him. He says I wouldn't like it if he went for lunch with other girls - but he doesn't have female friends, so I can't really answer that!

I think previously he was married to someone for a while who didn't have her own male friends and they shared most of their friendship group anyway. I suppose me and him just haven't got to that stage yet and maybe this seems alien to him. His ex didn't cheat on him or anything, I've never cheated or given him reason to suspect, so I don't know where else it could come from?

Is there any way/thing I can do to address this situation? I don't want to change who I am and stop seeing friends because he doesn't like it. I was with someone like this before and it didn't end well. I was also with someone previously who had lots of female friends himself so never even questioned my friendship with other guys. So I guess I don't know how to handle it!

Please help!

You will get two distinct types of replies here.

Those who agree with him and those who agree with you.

This is the problem.

Of course he COULD be a controlling nutcase just getting his claws into you before dismantling your entire social circle, isolating you and then abusing you.

Or he could just be uncomfortable with the idea of someone he's planning on moving in with having close relationships with other men.

I'm like him. I don't think there's a need for it really. I do accept that other people will think it fine...but you're quite young yet OP and you will find that as people hit their thirties, start families etc...the mixed friendships fade out.

Nothing wrong whatsoever in having male friends and it’s not your fault he’s insecure about it

You're entitled to have friends with opposite sex and it's as simple as that. Why should you miss out on male friendships because it makes him insecure? Does he have female friends? He needs to grow up, work on his own insecurities before palming them off to you. You CAN have friendships with the opposite sex without wanting to rip their clothes off. I would explain this concept to him. You don't need to be controlled.

Red flag. I am still friends with several exes. I have been with dh for 11 years. He couldn’t care less who I’m friends with and I think if he had made a big deal about it early on, I would have binned him no matter how lovely he otherwise is. We went to one of my ex’s weddings together. There’s nothing weird about having friends of the opposite sex unless you’re making something weird about it (inappropriate flirtation, emotional affair, etc). Dh also has lots of female friends and I can’t imagine feeling weird about him meeting up with them. They’re like sisters to him and he’s close to their partners too. Now it would be weird if he was meeting a woman who wasn’t a friend for a meal or drinks that wasn’t work related... because that’s, well, sort of a date?

This one wouldn’t be for me, I’m afraid.

You need to tell him that this relationship is only going to work if he accepts that you have platonic male friends who you want to see on your terms - which includes meeting them one to one.

If he can't accept that, he doesn't trust you, and he's going to continue feeling jealous or making snide remarks, then you need to reconsider your future together.

I've always had male friends, and my late husband was totally accepting of that. Because he trusted me, as I trusted him.

I’d be seeing a big red flag from this behaviour. Why the heck shouldn’t you have/speak to your friends?? There is no logical reason. Does he believe you’re incapable of being just friends with a male? Does he have such a low opinion of you that he thinks you’d cheat with them? And sulking about it?? It would drive me to ending it.

I’m in my 50s and haven’t grown out of being friends with men (??!!😂😂). My husband has ended up good friends with them too because they’re nice men (and we’re friends with their wives too). Your boyfriend needs to grow up and step into the modern world. This is not Saudi!

I was with someone like this before and it didn't end well

He needs to know this. And he needs to understand that these people were your friends before he came along. And you don't dump them because a new partner is uncomfortable with you meeting them.

Frankly, if you were going to have a romantic/sexual relationship with them, does he not think you'd have done so by now?! But you didn't. Despite knowing them, you chose him.

Most of my friends are male. My partner doesn't have a problem with it, and was happy for me to go and see them 1 on 1 (I often went out for food or a coffee with 1 particular guy, and lift shared for a hobby with another) - but one by one, as they've all got girlfriends, they've been told they're not allowed to spend 1 on 1 time with me anymore. Literally, none of their girlfriends are happy with it.

So, now I can only see them when we get together as a full group, which is once a year. They also don't like their partners messaging me too much, so my 3 closest friends have become strangers, and I am now very very lonely with my best friends gone AWOL.

I can understand the paranoia. I was cheated on, so I can see how they might worry, but at the same time I've lost my mates who I've had since we were all 12 and starting high school, and it feels pretty shit.

I was with someone like this before and it didn't end well
This will go the same way if he doesn't sort his shit out.
He needs to know this.
Do not alter your meet ups.
Do not reduce them.
If this continues then there really is no point.
It's a horrible way to live.
Could he go and get some couselling?
May help him address why he is like this.

You also need to nip in the bud all the twatish comments.
"Romantic meal for 2?"
You - Don't be an asshole. This is strike one! 2 more and we are done.
He really needs to understand that you will not put up with possessive and jealous behaviour!

Red flag.

Also, why are you asking whether there is anything YOU can do to fix this problem? You are fine. It's his behaviour which is causing the problem.

If your partner is being unreasonable (which he is) and you think it's your job to behave differently in order to fix that, then I would say that's an unhealthy way to be in a relationship.

I would also worry about how your partner sees women. Does he only see them in a sexual way, rather than as fellow human beings who he can be friends with? That's what his attitude towards your male friends (and, presumably, his own lack of female friends) is saying.

Its not you, its him.

There are big red flags fluttering in the breeze here with this person and you ignore and or minimise this at your emotional peril. I would not move in with him under any circumstances and I would actually look into ending the relationship.

You were with someone like this before and sadly you have gone for a similar type yet again; there is a pattern here re you picking such types and it is one you need to break. His actions here are about power and control; he wants to control who you speak to and that is unacceptable.

It is not your fault he is this insecure about this so do not make his behaviours here your problem. Jealousy to my mind equals low self esteem too. Even if you invite him along to things he gets grumpy if you speak to any other males for too long (and how long is his definition of too long?).

And what flooooomp writes here too, do take heed.

Don't have a relationship with a jealous person. They'll never be satisfied or trust you no matter how much you pander to them.

On a much wider level also, what did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

He’s the only one who needs to fix this problem. You have nothing to fix. Don’t change your behaviour as it’s the start of a slippery slope.

You will get two distinct types of replies here. Those who agree with him and those who agree with you.

I very much doubt you'll get many who agree with him. Everyone has insecurities, especially in a relatively new relationship, but from what I've seen on here, I think most MNers would agree that (whether you're a man or a woman) the desire to keep your partner away from friends of the opposite sex might be a common and understandable human impulse, but it's surely one that we shouldn't indulge if we want equal, fair and trusting relationships.

Having been to couples counselling I would say what the internet thinks about him is largely irrelevant but I would read about boundaries and protecting your relationship from opportunistic affairs, which are the most common type (e.g.you start chatting to a friend about things that you shouldn't when your relationship hits a low point and it goes from there over weeks or months or years often with so called friends).

Have you ever discussed Gottman?

"Romantic meal for 2?"
You - Don't be an asshole. This is strike one! 2 more and we are done.

I love that.

I suggest you have an honest chat with him. I also had loads of male friends in my twenties, more male than female, but with marriage & motherhood I now have more female ‘mummy’ friends.

My husband is quite old fashioned and I think he was a bit at first, and he works in a very unenlightened male-orientated environment, so he found it odd that I would have a male friend and not want to sleep with them!! But once I had explained that, even if I was single (indeed when I was single) I would not (and did not) want to date these friends, he got used to it. They are his friends too now. I refer to them as ‘unofficial brothers’ as this seemed to get the platonic nature of the friendship through to him.

You could just as easily be hit on by a female friend as a male one! The bottom line is he needs to trust you instead of trying to control who you see.

See I’m curious. Do the people who feel that it’s inappropriate to have friends of the opposite sex also think that people in same sex relationships shouldn’t be allowed just friends of the same sex too? And if not, why not?

In an age where sexuality is far more diverse the idea of not having friends based on the sex you’re attracted to is a very slippery slope.

I have mostly male friends, not because I don’t want female ones but interestingly the male ones have been the friendships which have lasted the distance, and some of them have been my friends for over 30 years. I wouldn’t sleep with any of them even if there were no men left on earth. It just simply wouldn’t occur to me to want to.

I had a bf who hated me having male friends. If I spoke to any of them he would tell me how much it hurt him etc. I ended up speaking to them more because no-one was going to tell me who I could and couldn’t be friends with. It ended when he objected so much to me talking to a male friend and disobeying him when he told me he wouldn’t allow it and he pulled me away and hit me in front of witnesses.

I’m not saying that is how your relationship will pan out, but jealousy this early on cannot possibly end well.

I think you need to examine his views towards women.
Does he have any friends?

If your previous relationship ended because of the jealousy, I can't see this one being any different. He seems too old for you too.

agree with PPs - this is his problem to fix, not yours.

if he can't sort himself out, i think this says a lot about how he sees women and relationships. none of it bodes well for the long-term.

I've always had male friends, neither bothered DH once. One even lived with us for nearly 6 months at one time.

He's basically saying he doesn't trust you...............

See I’m curious. Do the people who feel that it’s inappropriate to have friends of the opposite sex also think that people in same sex relationships shouldn’t be allowed just friends of the same sex too? And if not, why not?

This is so interesting. Same situation m, and it's always caused problems. I'd love female friends but always end up with the guys 🤷🏻‍♀️

I do indeed the other side though.

I think deep down he assumes the possibility of infidelity on your part as he himself would struggle to be just friends with a woman.

I have male and female friends and when I did split with my partner two male friends suddenly declared feelings, I was shocked.

The thing is many males are opportunistic arseholes so I think he is judging you by his own shitty standards.