DP doesn't like me having male friends

[heybabes]

Been seeing each other for just over a year, he's 37, I'm 28. We don't live together yet but saving to get somewhere this year.

On the whole, we have a really great relationship. We're best friends as well as partners, same sense of humour, shared interests, hobbies. He's kind, caring, thoughtful and very attractive - I really couldn't ask for more.

Unfortunately there is one issue that is getting us both down. He gets very jealous and too easily. I've always had just as many male friends as I have female friends but I don't think he's used to it.

Even if I invite him along to stuff with male friends, he gets grumpy if I speak to them for too long. He makes comments if I tell him I'm meeting up with a male friend for lunch (as I do often and always have, with friends I've had before we even met) and he says things like "Romantic meal for 2?"

He said he trusts me etc but thinks it isn't normal to have 1-1 meet ups with other men - that people who don't know will think we're a couple and that bothers him. He says I wouldn't like it if he went for lunch with other girls - but he doesn't have female friends, so I can't really answer that!

I think previously he was married to someone for a while who didn't have her own male friends and they shared most of their friendship group anyway. I suppose me and him just haven't got to that stage yet and maybe this seems alien to him. His ex didn't cheat on him or anything, I've never cheated or given him reason to suspect, so I don't know where else it could come from?

Is there any way/thing I can do to address this situation? I don't want to change who I am and stop seeing friends because he doesn't like it. I was with someone like this before and it didn't end well. I was also with someone previously who had lots of female friends himself so never even questioned my friendship with other guys. So I guess I don't know how to handle it!

Please help!

Red flag op
He's jealous and controlling
Dump him, don't move in with him

I wouldn’t move in with someone who was unable to conceive of opposite-sex friendships in non-sexual terms.

Absolutely fine to have male friends. I do see his point on the 1-1 meets though. If you really thought about it would you be happy if he did the same, I doubt it. However... you should be able to have male friends and meet up in a group without him getting funny about it. So yeah I see both sides really.

I’ve had long boozy lunches /dinners, gone for walks in the country, strolled around museums and even gone on holiday with male friends. Alone! Without a chaperone!

Managed to not shag them.

It’s not you, it’s him.

A man who can't imagine male-female friendships is a man who sees no reason to spend time with women he doesn't want to sleep with.

EXACTLY @RiaOverTheRainbow

OP take note. This guy is a dinosaur that needs educating. How sad for you and your friends that he has to sully your social time.

All my friends are blokes, bar one. She's gay.

I see both sides here. I think you’re doing nothing wrong personally however, if you flip this they’d be a lot of posters getting particularly excitable about it.

@SinglePringle nail on the head!

Don't move in with this man OP, it will only get worse

I had an ex like this. Ended up not being able to dress nicely, wear make up or go out alone with my Male friends because of the bad reaction and how much stress it caused.

I became more and more isolated from them. It's only when we split up did I start spending time with them again. and I didn't shag any of them

Red flag.

I distanced myself from a lot of my friends last year, I had fallen into a bad place mentally and really needed to be away from everyone to figure out what was best for me.
After a while I realised that, in fact, most (if not all) of my make friends had a thing for me. They always held out some hope for us being together. I also realised that this could have no positive impact on any relationship I was to ever have.
So I've naturally detached myself from the extra men in my life, but I did this on my own time. Whenever a partner would draw the same conclusion I would get defensive and always choose my friends.

A man who can't imagine male-female friendships is a man who sees no reason to spend time with women he doesn't want to sleep with.

Yup. It's the same kind of mentality as certain authoritarian regimes like Saudi in which unrelated men and women are not supposed to be in an enclosed space together, because the assumption is that the default mode is sexual.

Who the fuck is agreeing with him

No one should dictate who you are friends with or make you feel uncomfortable for seeing your friends.

Most of my friends are male. 2 months into my relationship with DH I went on holiday with an Ex who was part of my friendship group. If he had even tried to say I couldn’t go I’d have ended it with him immediately. When my male friends visit he is chatty and friendly. I am the same with his female friends.

Your DP is a knob.

Thing is, even if you were to stop seeing your male friends (which would be the wrong thing to do!), he would find some other issue. Such as, perhaps, not liking one of your female friends, or thinking that you spend too much time with so and so. The problem will simply be transferred onto a new source of jealousy. Nothing you do will be good enough.

This problem is with HIM and him alone. The onus should be on him to get it sorted out (ie therapy), rather than on you stopping seeing your male friends!