Confronting husband

[keyquestions]

Hi,

I am Looking for some advice on what to ask when I confront my husband.

The back story is, at the weekend he was being an arse, just rude and off. Very unlike him. Gut instinct told me something was wrong.

So, whilst he slept, I checked his phone. Bingo, sure enough there were messages from an unsaved number.

I can't put detail on here, obviously, but, roughly messages saying about hiding costs through his bank cards, continuing where they left off and having something.

He has since deleted everything. I've managed to take a very quick look i now know her name etc not that it's relevant. If I can get another look (unlikely as he is hiding his phone constantly, taking it everywhere with him) I think I can get some detail from his email. But not sure I'm going to get the chance.

I've known nearly a week as I've wanted to make sure our children were not home. I think it's time to confront. I will not be telling him how or what I know. But, what should I ask to get him to (hopefully) come clean?

I've no doubt I will be asking him to leave. But I want to know the best way to go about having the conversation.

Thanks

If you know you definitely want to separate, then asking him to come clean isn’t really useful. He’ll just deny and accuse you of being crazy.
You can skip all of that and go straight to filing for divorce and informing him that it’s what you are doing.

I am pretty sure whatever you ask him he will deny it, minimize it and gaslight you.
If you plan on kicking him out anyway then stand firm. Be direct. Tell him you know what he’s been doing and want him to pack his bags and get out. Some people find it easier to gather undeniable evidence before they confront, just so that there is no wriggle room for the above.

Save the number into your phone. Refresh what's app. Maybe a profile pic? You could try face recognition on the photo....

@MMmomDD @Middersweekly thanks both. I suppose I hadn't really thought about it that way. Think it's the curiosity of wanting to know everything.

Just tell him you know, that there is no need for him to respond other than to the divorce papers you will serving.

Sorry he has done this to you.

@Whynosnowyet I've got the number and I've seen a picture etc. I managed to get who she is. I am pretty sure she is married too.

@stophuggingme thank you x

If your husband was honest enough to come clean, he wouldn't have anything to hide. They lie and lie and lie and then they lie some more. They rewrite history they blame you and tell you that if you did A,B or C they would want to be with you. And, while you tie yourself in knots, attend counselling, lose weight, give them on demand blow jobs, they're seeing someone else.

If you think you have proof of infidelity, then get legal advice and find out what you need to know. Since cheaters don't tend to value honesty or integrity and are obviously, incredibly selfish, he'll probably hide his financial details so it's best to get all those details now.

Get an STD test as well. He'll tell you that they only brushed against each other, then they hugged, then he'll admit to kissing. They rarely tell you the truth, so just assume they've slept together and look after yourself because he obviously no longer cares.

Has he got a tablet that he uses? Go on it and look at his Google history. From there you can look at Google activity which will show everything he has looked at and searched for

Good luck

@12345kbm thanks. I will do this too. I know he will lie. I am thankful I have some evidence.

@NewMe2020 no, just the one the kids use, that I notice he hS removed all his accounts from. Shock 🤣

Thanks

You have got to decide whether you want him to come clean or you want to end your marriage. One doesn’t always lead to the other, at least not for some time and a lot of pain.

I gave up on confrontation and asking for explanations years ago once I learnt the power of believing in myself. I remember my ex visibly contracting when I just told him I can believe what I want to believe and I can decide to act on it accordingly. He realised the game was up.

In other words expecting him to come clean means your future and life is dependent on his honesty. Deciding you want to end your marriage because you don’t believe in him or trust is your decision and in your control. And frankly you don’t, which is enough reason to end it.

Nothing he can lie about is going to make any difference. There won’t be a debate. One where you are expected to accept a load of old codswallop that makes no sense and is not even plausible. Because you have to trust him.

Make this about you and your standards and what you know to be true.

@keyquestions No problem.

Here's the CABx guide to divorce (laws vary so look up the details for your area in the UK)

Gingerbread have all the details you need regarding life as a single parent incl maintenance, contact arrangements etc They have a great helpline.

You might find the website Surviving Infidelity helpful. Lots of great advice on how to get through this.

Think about counselling as being cheated on really does turn your life upside down. Check out BACP for therapists.

You can find a Family Law Solicitor [[https://thefamilylawpanel.org/
here]].

Your local GUM can be found here.

And, btw you can’t ask him to leave. Packing bags is an empty gesture.
You are married, so the marital home belongs to both.
As to your curiosity - you can ask him, of course. But he will not tell you. It will only spiral into an argument.
Or he will tell you it’s just a fantasy that has gotten away and he didn’t mean it. Or some other story.

If you think you might want to try to work it out with him instead - look for how he responds and if there is a remorse.
You are in shock now but as the reality of divorce sinks in you might change your mind about what you want, especially if there are children involved. Many people end up on that route, it’s a personal decision.

@LemonTT this is it. I am just not sure I can trust him. This isn't the first time I've found something on his phone. But nothing before was very solid and he could worn his way out / minimise.

This time I can see enough to know he's done wrong. I cannot trust him. And I know, without trust it would not be fair on MYSELF to go through it.

Thank you for your message

@12345kbm thank you so so much. This is exactly what I need. Really helpful. I wouldn't know where to start so this is great. Much appreciated.

@MMmomDD absolutely. And to be honest I've not overly thought anything through in detail. I just know it's shit and no idea where the next week, month etc will take me/us.

I'm not expecting much. He will feel shit and sorry for himself. I feel prepared for that as much as I can.

He will also feel scared and defensive. And might become angry.

Before you confront you need to get your financials in order.

Do you have joint accounts? Get ready to freeze them or withdraw half to your accounts - is he the main earner, make copies of his payslips.

Hide important documents like passports, birth certificates, mortgage and pensions information.

You won’t believe how nasty men can get when they realise their about to be dropped.

I would confront him and provide him with the information you have. What's the use of waiting for him to confess? He'll probably lie through his teeth regardless. You've got the information you needed, so now it's time for you to decide what you're going to do with it. Be strong and tell him where to go. You can do it!

They lie and lie and lie and then they lie some more. They rewrite history they blame you and tell you that if you did A,B or C they would want to be with you. And, while you tie yourself in knots, attend counselling, lose weight, give them on demand blow jobs, they're seeing someone else

This ^

I have been there. They don't change. File for divorce and save yourself a pile of heartache. Don't look back.

@LouHotel thank you. I've got access to all of this so I will make sure I keep them safe!

@Peignoir

What's the use of waiting for him to confess?*
*
This is all too true. I think I just needed a logical way of doing it.

Glad I posted. Too easy to get a little narrow minded with this all and not think about it rationally.

@Idonttrackpeas ah thank you! I will!

Think it's the curiosity of wanting to know everything
He will never tell you everything anyway.
He will deny deny deny, then admit to a bit, then a bit more but you will never have the full picture.
Just tell him you 'KNOW'
That's what I told my ExP.
Just told him that I know everything and that it was over.
He tried to lie to I just said, 'look, I know. So assume I know everything, because I likely do'
And I did. He was truly shit at hiding stuff and I was like friggin' Sherlock!!!
I totally understand wanting to know the truth and getting as much proof as possible.
You are about to blow up your life. You want everything you can find.
But.... it's not a court of law. You do not NEED proof although you have some.
So just tell him you know and he needs to get out of the house on Saturday morning!

I'm so so sorry you are going through this.
It's a horrible time.
Do NOT keep or hide his secret.
YOU need some love and support so reach out and get it!!