Confronting husband

[keyquestions]

Hi,

I am Looking for some advice on what to ask when I confront my husband.

The back story is, at the weekend he was being an arse, just rude and off. Very unlike him. Gut instinct told me something was wrong.

So, whilst he slept, I checked his phone. Bingo, sure enough there were messages from an unsaved number.

I can't put detail on here, obviously, but, roughly messages saying about hiding costs through his bank cards, continuing where they left off and having something.

He has since deleted everything. I've managed to take a very quick look i now know her name etc not that it's relevant. If I can get another look (unlikely as he is hiding his phone constantly, taking it everywhere with him) I think I can get some detail from his email. But not sure I'm going to get the chance.

I've known nearly a week as I've wanted to make sure our children were not home. I think it's time to confront. I will not be telling him how or what I know. But, what should I ask to get him to (hopefully) come clean?

I've no doubt I will be asking him to leave. But I want to know the best way to go about having the conversation.

Thanks

@LemonTT Such a powerful post thank you for sharing.

So sorry you're going through this. I'm afraid I've nothing useful to add as the OP's have everything pretty much covered already.

But I'm glad you've got the marital assets proof safe (just remember to remove what cash you'll need because I'd expect him to cut your access to any joint money or move it to his own account as soon as you confront him). So just remember to keep yourself safe too.

@keyquestions I'd sit him down and tell him everything you know. Sure, he'll dribble his nonsense all over and floor and expect you feel bad about the puddle he created for himself. Be firm, address him with confidence and let him know it's not acceptable. The cards in your hand, sweetheart. He's a clown, but this doesn't mean you have to be apart of the clownery. He'll be the one everyone laughs at in the end.

as someone who's been on both sides of this, LemonTT's post about taking control of the situation is fabulous advice.

This is YOUR story, YOUR life. You can make sure it plays out to YOUR benefit (which I'm sure also aligns with the benefit of your DCs).

Well, maybe not to your BENEFIT, but you know what i mean.

Frankly I dont see the point of confrontation. He'll deny as much as he can get away with, admit only things of which you have concrete proof, and then minimise everything. Followed by putting the blame on you because you did xyz and didn't do abc.

You seem very level-headed and fairly sure that you do not want to forgive him, so I'd concentrate on organizing your ducks. In particular gather evidence of any assets that he might be tempted to hide. And consult several SHLs; once these have spoken to you, they cannot act for him...

Oh, and do read Chumplady!!

I would actually confront him, tell him you know, you want divorce, there’s no turning back. Then say you’re giving him time to think about it, walk away.
If you confront, their instinct is to deny and be defensive. then they can’t go back, they talk themselves into a hole.
If you give them time to think, they might be a bit more sensible.
It’s not giving them time to figure out their story, I just think it could avoid all the denial.

I wouldn't give him any details, just tell him you know about . That's it. Be silent as it's a powerful weapon; let him do the talking.

Ahhhh in a situation like this where I knew I was going to leave I wouldn't be able to stop myself fucking with him for a bit first.

Example : Hi DH how was your day, oh by the way do you know someone called (insert OW name) I had a very cryptic message from her today asking me to contact her.

Just to see him absolutely shit himself

Make this about you and your standards and what you know to be true

Excellent advice - as was the rest of the post - but before saying anything I'd make sure you get legal advice as to your exact position. This man isn't your friend and once he's busted there's every chance he'll self-protect at your expense even if he hasn't already done this, so aim to get your own plans in place first

I also agree he'll lie, lie and lie again, but about the best chance of finding anything could be to say you know about (name), that he's got one chance to tell you the lot and that if he misses out even one detail you're aware of he's out. The technique here is to say absolutely nothing but this and it may not get you any further anyway, but it could be worth a try?

Make sure you name her in the divorce. Always satisfying I find (have done it twice)

Be decisive, and throw him out.

It is the only chance your marriage has, to survive.

Live apart for a bit, and the shock of what he is losing might get him to respect you better. Love and respect for men, seem very tied up.

agree with every word @LemonTT has put. You take control and decide what you want.

You will never get the truth, they either bare face lie outright or drip feed the lies. Either way is totally fruitless. Empower yourself and start to live a life you want.

Thank you all so much for your input. I will take it all into account, and give this another read through before I confront him m.

He won't confess, they never do. He'll deny everything until he knows exactly what you know, and even then he'll only admit to the minimum he can get away with admitting. Don't believe a word he says. Before confronting get everything ready to split and then tell him to leave.

Look after your physical self and your financial future first.
Don’t trust him to be fair and honourable, he’s shown he cannot be trusted.
Remember to change any wills, insurance policies, works pensions etc so he is no longer your beneficiary
He’s shown his true nature & you deserve better x

Have a search through previous threads on The Script.
I suspect it'll give you an idea of how others contains have planned out.
So sorry to hear your going through this...!
For example:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1634754-Men-affairs-what-is-the-script

Confrontations not contains*