Social services visit - I am petrified can someone help please

[FollowingAmirage]

The school reported us to social services and I am really worried. Can someone please help explain the process?

So, my eldest is on the autism spectrum and his recollection of events is not always accurate. He told the school that his dad hit him while he was helping him with homework. I wasn't physically in the same room with them and my husband is adamant that he only taps his head to remind him to focus/look at the work!! Please note that there were no marks that I could see on the day and this was an isolated event.

My son also told the school that we (parents) argue a lot, which is partly true but surely this is no reason for removing kids from a loving home?

The social worker came today and he was reassured that the kids are well. I admitted that my husband has anger management issues but this is usually directed at me and that I have plans in place in case we need to leave etc. but that he has never been abusive towards the kids. My husband is also going through a rough patch financially/health wise which is all affecting his mood.

Please can someone reassure me that nothing bad will happen following this process? I actually have no idea what the process is and I just feel that I didn't ask all the questions as the kids kept interrupting!! I just know I won't be sleeping today...:(

It sounds as if you could do with SS support. It's not all about taking the kids away.

No kid should live in a house with a parent with anger management issues, even if they are just towards their mother...

Your home life doesn’t sound great to be honest. I’d see what they say and accept any help offered.

Thanks gamer. Obviously, I would welcome all the help offered. Any idea what the process is? What happens after a visit?

Well done for engaging and being honest - that’s a positive and SS will see it as such.

They may close you, or they may put a plan in place for your children which should include you getting additional support. Your children will not be removed for this, however SS may be concerned about your husbands anger issues and want to see him take steps to address this.

Take all the help and support you can get OP.. good luck

Agree, sounds like you need the support. Tapping a child on the head to get them to focus isn't very nice. Teachers dont do that. Concerning that straight away you are saying he is an angry man with issues, neither you or your son deserve that. They want to know if you have a volatile relationship, child services will interview you from the welfare of your sons pov. Its sounds like you're being honest with them, but be prepared for the report they will send, describing what you have toldbthem in their own professional terms.
Children are negatively affected by being raised in hostile environments, theyrthey'll want to know more about this, its a red flag for their futures and their relationshipa as adults. You would be expected to leave him with your child if they decide its not a safe environment for him.

I went through visits like this as I was leaving my husband. Referall came from Womens Aid not a school but the screening is the same, an assessment of your home life. They closed my case when I left him and got a home free of anger and arguments, for me and my son. No one can tell you the outcome here, but your son is your priority, not your husband. Choose well, take there support. Needing an escape plan and having to tell a social worker you have one is not a normal family life.

Thank you all for the replies - much appreciated. Will they also interview/talk to my husband? I much rather if they speak to him directly...I can't really do much if he doesn't engage with the process?

This happened to my step daughter. Ss asked her partner had to come out of the home for around 3 weeks whilst they investigated then he was allowed to come back. I'm sorry your going through this I hope it get sorted very soon so you can get on with your life. Take care

I’m a school safeguarding lead

Depends on your area. Here, you would be offered a family support worker to help you access support to deal with your husbands anger. It would be optional and all focused around helping you as a family to get good support. No social worker involvement (ie child in need plan or child protection) BUT it would be monitored every 6 weeks with you and any other professionals ie school. School would say if they have concerns re child’s behaviour/attendance/welfare and what they are doing to support you. Same for other agencies. You can pull out of the support at any time.

We are though a chronically underfunded children’s trust and the threshold for social worker involvement is VERY VERY high.

Yes they will speak to him directly. Don’t be scared, just be honest x

Get your husband to tap you on the head in the same way, and see how you feel about it afterwards.....

Thank you caulk for your input. Help of that kid would be perfect. I know it might be stupid but the kids really love their dad and I would rather keep the family unit together if I can help it at all. My eldest especially is worried about us separating hence he mentioned the arguing to school....

Please be kind. :) I am just trying to explain the situation and not trying to defend my husband on any way....

Have you had any support otherwise, for you? You can tell your GP what is happening and you can speak to Women's Aid, both very good options. Talking to someone about your husband outside if the SS process might really help you. Look after yourself.

Thanks Brigid, I have been to both and I have explored all my options. I have to say that my husband is really trying to change. He has also been diagnosed with a potentially life threatening condition just when I sought legal advice re divorce and decided that given the circumstances I shouldn’t deny the kids their dad...

Funny what life throws at you really!

Do you think "tapping" a child on the head is acceptable?

You wouldn't be "denying" the dc their father - he could have safe supervised access and they wouldn't have to live with his anger issues 24/7.

And of course children love their parents, but it doesn't mean they're any good for them.

I didn’t say it was acceptable. My husband only visit on the weekend (sometimes every other 2 weeks) due to work any way. And when I say anger issues it is not 24/7! I wouldn’t allow it...

And you only have your husband's word that it was "tapping". He's hardly likely to admit hitting the child, is he?

Even with limited access due to work he is already affecting your child so much that school have intervened and you wanted a divorce. No one is ever abusive 24/7, it comes and goes. But it never goes away. He is choosing this.
The bad thing that could happen is that you choose not to protect your son. SS will need to hear that your choice is your son.

It is 24/7, because it might always happen, he might always be about to lose his temper and thats what you learn to live with and minimise to keep going on with daily life. There's no acceptable level of anger, no maths to quantify it into an ok rate.

How would you feel if SS were to tell you that you shouldn't be with your DH?

I would be fine with that but the kids would absolutely heart broken if no visits at all...