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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you risk your relationship for this...

33 replies

inmyshoos · 11/02/2020 19:32

My partner has really poor mh. He has attempted to end his life many times. He is now at a point where he sometimes trusts me enough to tell me he feels suicidal. Other times I notice he seems not great and if I push it he might admit he has been feeling and planning suicide.
Without saying too much, with his history and his family history I know this is not just a cry for help. He has told me it's the only way he thinks he will find peace.
I love him, he is such an amazing person and the worry that he will perhaps end his life one day is overwhelming.
He has a sister. I am almost certain she would want to know how unwell he still is. She certainly knew years ago but I think she assumes he is doing OK now. He's not. If anything he says he feels worse than ever.

Would you let her know? He would possibly feel betrayed and I'd absolutely hate to break his trust but if anything ever happened I don't think I'd forgive myself for not having tried everything. A bigger support network? I don't know. All I know is I love him, I want him to live and I know she does too. Feels like I'm carrying a massive secret or worse Sad

OP posts:
SummerWhisper · 11/02/2020 19:39

Tell her. It would break her heart to never have been given the chance to reach out to him.

Original poster
inmyshoos · 11/02/2020 19:45

Thanks for responding. Even if you were breaking your partners trust. I have asked him before if she could be someone that looks out for him (he gets episodes where he is do unwell he becomes paranoid and doesn't trust me, becomes suspicious of me etc) but he wasn't sure. Felt it was unfair to burden her. She has had more than her fair share of pain and heartache.

OP posts:
user18463585026 · 11/02/2020 19:49

What would she be able to do?

Craftycorvid · 11/02/2020 19:52

You certainly sound very alone with this; who is ‘there’ to support you?

DBML · 11/02/2020 19:52

No. Do not break his trust. If you do this, then he will not open up to you again and this could be disastrous.

Encourage your partner to call the Samaritans. You can also call and get advice.

If you think he is very serious then the only people you need to call is an ambulance, because he needs professional help.

I have a friend whose husband committed suicide. Please don’t ignore the warning signs. It’s not about giving his family the chance to know. It’s about giving your partner the chance to get better.

Sadiesnakes · 11/02/2020 19:57

You need to really encourage him to tell his sister, you can't break his trust especially given how bad he is.
It's very important you are both getting help, intensive help.
Sorry for your situation.Thanks

FlaskMaster · 11/02/2020 20:00

Your first loyalty is to your dh, not his dsis. It's his health, so it's up to him who he discloses it to, not for you to go blabbing it about because you thought so and so has a right to know. Nobody has a right to know. If he wants her told he will tell her.

Original poster
inmyshoos · 11/02/2020 20:00

This situation is not new. His suicidal thoughts are not new. He finds reasons not to do it. But is always thinking when there may be an opportunity.

You would be surprised how hard it is to get help. Anti depressants are about the extent of the help so far. They aren't actually that helpful to him.

OP posts:
SnorkMaiden81 · 11/02/2020 20:02

I have a brother. I'd want to know.

Original poster
inmyshoos · 11/02/2020 20:03

flask I'm very loyal to him, believe me. But I want to save his life and if that means breaking his trust then its worth a shot I think. Its not about his sister having a right to know... Its about giving him a bigger support network, him knowing that he is loved by more people and valued by more people than he feels he is.

OP posts:
DBML · 11/02/2020 20:05

@inmyshoos

Call the Samaritans for support and advice. You need to get professionals on board.
116 123

He’s trusted you and opened up to you. Telling his sister if he isn’t ready to do this himself might back him into a corner.
However much she’d want to know, it isn’t the best course of action initially.

EmptyFieldOfFucks · 11/02/2020 20:07

You could be writing about me, OP, minus the paranoia. Whilst I have friends who are more like family who I'd rather my partner went to, if he honestly thought talking to my brother was the right thing to do, I'd respect it. I can't speak for everyone. People don't tend to agree with me or how I see things. But I would find a way to comfortably (as possible) talk to the sister to let her know that things aren't great and probably won't be. And that the worst might happen one day. But that you need to know someone else who he loves/ loves him is there. When I've been at my worst, I do worry if my partner has had someone to talk to.

Original poster
inmyshoos · 11/02/2020 20:10

@DBML I'm fairly sure he is 'safe' for the moment. He is probably still making plans in his head.
He needs long term help and support rather than immediate help if that makes sense. This is not a new thing. It's on going. Just currently he is not in a great place hence my post.

OP posts:
Original poster
inmyshoos · 11/02/2020 20:12

empty sorry to hear you also suffer. My dp is the most amazing man, I wish he could see himself through my eyes. I'm sure your dp feels the same. Poor Mh is a fucking curse Sad

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 11/02/2020 20:12

Could you say to him, "I need more people on my team, I feel very alone, I want to tell your sister"? How would he receive that?

DBML · 11/02/2020 20:13

@inmyshoos

Then encourage him to tell his sister, As he does need the support of his family, but do not take that control away from him.

www.rethink.org/advice-and-information/carers-hub/suicidal-thoughts-how-to-support-someone/

Original poster
inmyshoos · 11/02/2020 20:17

@MrsTerryPratchett he would feel bad that I feel alone and that his issues are affecting me. He would still feel he doesn't want to burden dsis. A lot of his bad feeling is that his mh is a burden on others, on me, he hates this, and it just adds to the self loathing.
@DBML for these reasons I think I would be unsuccessful at encouraging him to tell her.

OP posts:
Missarad · 11/02/2020 20:19

Wouldn't break trust but I would refer to mh services or go a and e. I'd also check life insurance documents etc

Nitpickpicnic · 11/02/2020 20:21

I’d manufacture a situation where the sister ‘accidentally’ saw it for herself. Depends a bit on how far away she lives...

Original poster
inmyshoos · 11/02/2020 20:25

@nitpick wouldn't happen. Unfortunately or fortunately depending on how you look at it... Dp has a mask that he wears and its not easy to see beyond this.

OP posts:
DBML · 11/02/2020 20:27

Ok, @inmyshoos

Perhaps then broach the conversation again.
Ask how’s he’s feeling. Ask directly, do you still feel suicidal? Listen, repeat/clarify every so often to prove that you’re listening. Remind him how much he’s loved and suggest that you speak to his sister, as a support for you both. That way you aren’t going behind his back. Or perhaps suggest you visit the doctor together as a team to get through this...and that you can get through this.

If you are intent on speaking with his family, this is your opportunity to remind your partner that you can’t keep this a secret.

Personally I’d still encourage you to speak to a professional.

My friends husband took his life so suddenly. Even talking about it to you means he’s reaching out for help.

I wouldn’t wish this on my enemy. Hope your partner is able to recover from this. Look after yourself.

Embracelife · 11/02/2020 20:31

It s not fair for you to deal with this alone.
At least go talk to a counsellor yourself.

Original poster
inmyshoos · 11/02/2020 20:37

@DBML we have been to a therapist together, he sees his gp regularly and we have a referal appointment soon. He is trying hard to get help but mh services are in crisis... The help just isn't readily available. Too easy to prescribe anti depressants. He needs extensive psychotherapy and NHS is so limited by budget/resources.

Him being able to tell me how bad he is feeling is fairly new so in many ways it is progress despite the heartache it brings.
He is telling me he is not OK... I'm telling him I hear him, I love him, we will find away, this will pass... We just need to keep faith.
Obviously I'd rather he tell me than not. I just want him to feel he wants to live Sad

OP posts:
goldenzog · 11/02/2020 20:39

My husband was suicidal. I was also in this situation of not knowing whether to tell someone else. In the end I phoned his mum and told her. She is not a very emotional person and they are not particularly close but she came to see him immediately and said she had suspected something was wrong. I was so worried my husband would be furious and it would make things worse but he was so low and helpless he didn't mind and I think he appreciated I was desperate and trying to get help for him.

VenusTiger · 11/02/2020 20:53

OP a long time ago, I kept it to myself too. My DH is fine now, has been for a long time. I didn't tell anyone and he eventually told his parents. Your DP doesn't think anyone can or want anyone to "save" him, so telling his family is ime the wrong decision. He needs to know, it's just you and him in this, for now. Guilt is a massive factor too. He either says something himself, or he manages to pull through this.
Btw, exercise and healthy eating worked better in my DH's case than his medication. I'm not suggesting he doesn't take it, but full on exercise, get those hormones moving in his brain. Good luck OP.