Would you risk your relationship for this...

[inmyshoos]

My partner has really poor mh. He has attempted to end his life many times. He is now at a point where he sometimes trusts me enough to tell me he feels suicidal. Other times I notice he seems not great and if I push it he might admit he has been feeling and planning suicide.
Without saying too much, with his history and his family history I know this is not just a cry for help. He has told me it's the only way he thinks he will find peace.
I love him, he is such an amazing person and the worry that he will perhaps end his life one day is overwhelming.
He has a sister. I am almost certain she would want to know how unwell he still is. She certainly knew years ago but I think she assumes he is doing OK now. He's not. If anything he says he feels worse than ever.

Would you let her know? He would possibly feel betrayed and I'd absolutely hate to break his trust but if anything ever happened I don't think I'd forgive myself for not having tried everything. A bigger support network? I don't know. All I know is I love him, I want him to live and I know she does too. Feels like I'm carrying a massive secret or worse

I was in this situation once with an ex and told the sister, I thought she might have been able to help more than I could and deserved to have that chance, not sure which of us actually gave the help he needed but he is still here today so something worked to help him

Please do not tell his sister. My DH is the only person I trust and if he had told my relatives it may have tipped me over the edge. You do however need to share the burden. Consider ringing Samaritans when he isn’t around or having therapy yourself.

I have serious MH issues and have been in psychotherapy for five years. I really am struggling to write the following in a way that is constructive as it’s triggering for people. But his suicide attempts, are they something that can be totally final. Because most of the people I have met on the course have done extremely radical things to themselves or others and that is how they get help that’s extensive. I have had poor MH all my life due to a childhood that included sexual abuse and my stepfather trying to kill me. But I was okayish until I hit middle age.

The course I did was group therapy for two years and then ongoing individual therapy. Does he have a diagnosis? I was on anti despressants and actually they were making me more ill as I actually have bi polar as well as complex PTSD and other stuff.

I was and can be a burden. Many of the people I met were single because their partners could not cope. One of the best things that happened to me was DH actually saying he couldn’t cope anymore. He wasn’t threatening to leave me or punish me but it made me realise he actually had needs. We can be selfish when really unwell. I know MH issues are discussed more and people are more open but there are levels of illness. If he has a diagnosis that is lifelong then you do need to do something to protect yourself mentally. Maybe join a carers support group or as suggested ring Samaritans or have therapy.

Whatever you do you really can’t make him better I know that seems an awful thing to say as you obviously love him dearly. You do need to realise that otherwise you risk having some sort of breakdown yourself.

If you want to ask any questions then please do, I will check back later.

OP please contact CALM, they are tailored specifically to helping men struggling with suicidal thoughts and supporting those around them

www.thecalmzone.net/

Has his gp refered him for counselling? Or can you afford private therapy?

What support do you have?

This is a huge responsibility for you and you are clearly struggling
The crisis team does need to get involved if there is serious risk of suicide as a safeguarding issue.
When I had CBT my therapist made it clear that if my answers and responses suggested I was at risk of suicide, that it was the one time he could break confidentiality. If I was assessed as being at risk.
You need support with this. Obviously you adore him but you are not his therapist and its out of your expertise.
Please seek support from crisis team. He is reaching out for help and needs professional support. They should come come out in 24 hrs if you stress he is actively planning to end his life.
Please look after yourself. Dealing with all of this can be very exhausting.

He is in regular contact with gp. We have an appointment this week with mh team.
I've spoken to his dsis today and it feels good to have her on board. She was his go to support for years and I feel I can trust her.

He is safe today.

I have lots of friends for support and I'm OK.
Thanks for all the replies. I will look into CALM

we have a referal appointment soon.

Oh that's good, hopefully it'll improve quite a bit then, once they find a med that helps him- they can make all the difference and are evidence based, it just can take a while to find what's the best med for the person, but there are dozens of things they can try.

I'm not earning and I had private therapy- I just prioritized it and spent my PIP on it. It's very much worth it.

@interseted it's finding a therapist qualified to deal with his issues. We live in a remote area and they are hard to come by.

It's not that he wouldn't pay... Not at all.