Handhold please *trigger warning DA and rape*

[ashtyler]

Need a handhold please vipers.

Writing my position statement for family court. I haven't seen my abuser for three years. He is taking me to court for contact with our children.

Awful nightmares and flashbacks at the moment.

Doubting myself in case it wasn't too bad, that I'm being dramatic etc.

I don't see my therapist until Friday and I'm really struggling to get back into to the now and be calm.

I'm so scared.

Previous thread here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3040668-Is-it-rape-if-youre-married

I've come a long way since that thread but I'm struggling to find myself today.

What help do you need sweetheart?

Just reassurance I suppose. That I didn't imagine it all. That I'm not crazy or abusive or controlling like he is claiming. He's in my head. I thought I'd got rid of his voice but it's still there, telling me that it didn't happen, it wasn't his fault and that I'm crazy.

I know the courts will allow contact. I'm not fighting it, as long as he takes care of them. but just knowing I will see him again is making me so scared. It's like I'm back there, doubting myself. I just want to curl up in a ball and hide.

You're not mad and you are so, so brave to be where you are now. Deep breaths. You're going to be ok. I know it's hard but you're getting there.

Do you have any support? Do you have an IDVA, solicitor or Mackenzie friend? Who is helping you with the court process?

Thank you kbm
I don't have an IDVA any more. After the rape charges were dismissed, I stopped recieiving support from them.
One of my friends came over this afternoon and was really lovely. It was good to be able to talk things through.

I'm still very nervous and I know the next few weeks are going to be harrowing but I'll get through it.

He's accusing me of all sorts of horrible things and it's just so unfair. He's walked away scot free and I'm a nervous wreck. Stonger than I was, but still a long way to go.

I can understand the sense of injustice. It's so unfair. I'm so pleased to hear your friend came over for support, it's good to reach out.

You've probably gone through some strategies with your therapist for flashbacks but here is some more info if you need it.

You haven't said if you have any support for the court process. If you are giving evidence, the CABx has a Witness service.

You may also be able to get further help and support from your local domestic abuse organisation which you can find here.

Call Saneline or the Samaritans if you need to talk.

Thank you. I followed one of the links and it took me to my local victim support unit.
I chatted online with them and will be phoning the local branch tomorrow. They seemed really lovely and are familiar with the court process and the damage that's been done by abuse so I'm feeling hopeful.

I'm really pleased to hear that. People are often wary of reaching out, feeling as though they'll be judged. What they'll find (I've worked with scores of people working in DV) are people eager to help, who may have experienced DV themselves and know exactly what you're going through.

I hope they give you the support you need. Ask them about McKenzie friends.