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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I feel smothered. Can he love me too much?

44 replies

Tuscan4 · 11/02/2020 11:44

So I have been with my partner for nearly 18years. He has always been a bit soppy compared to me. Over the years I have become less and less confident and less independent. I have really bad anxiety triggered by loss. I see a counsellor and I have spoken about how he treats me. I always thought that he treats me well and I should be grateful. But I have been saying how overwhelming I find him sometimes. For example I will just suggest something like changing my car and be pushes for me to do it. He kind of takes over and does it for me. He’ll offer to pay. I say I’m fancy a pizza and he buys 10 different pizzas and drives around for ages to get them. When we argue he panics and thinks I’m going to leave so says he’s going to hurt it kill himself and walks out. I then spend ages calling, texting or looking for him and begging for him to come back and bit do anything stupid. Then when he does come back I pretty much have to forget what I was annoyed about or what he did. He also smashes things, punches the wall and even hits the steering wheel and scares me (when he’s driving) during arguments. He knows it will make me stop whatever I’m saying to him and try to calm him down. We then don’t address what we were arguing about in the first place. It has been suggested that he is emotionally suffocating. That he has good intentions but it’s all to ‘keep me’. My partner has said that all he ever does is for me. He has changed his life And beliefs to suit me. I feel it’s all to much pressure. Everything is based on me and put on me. I realise that this is a massive contribution to my mental health problems (although it’s not all this). It’s like it’s an obsession. Is it possible for him to love me too much? Is it unhealthy. I feel so trapped.

OP posts:
12345kbm · 11/02/2020 11:50

No, your partner doesn't love you too much. That's abusive behaviour which is escalating.

richteasandcheese · 11/02/2020 11:59

It's part of his abuse - even the threatening to kill himself is abusive, manipulative and controlling.

JKScot4 · 11/02/2020 12:02

He sounds unhinged, orders 10 pizzas and drives round collecting them all?!?
Definitely a controlling abusive cunt,not soppy, who has made your life smaller and you reliant on him.
Please plan to leave.

Tuscan4 · 11/02/2020 12:03

I’ve never really thought of it as abusive. Everyone says and does things in the heat of the moment. He doesn’t do it all of the time. I just always took abuse as being unkind and not wanting to be with you. But he does so so much with such good intentions that I thought that everyone has their faults. I think I need to hear it from other people to realise it.

OP posts:
CJ199012 · 11/02/2020 12:03

@Tuscan4 this rings very true to a relationship i was in a few years ago (albeit not for as long as you have been together). What felt like love and adoration at first quickly became intense and frightening like i was walking on eggshells. His 'caring' about my 'tiredness' (after all the arguing) became a mechanism for him to keep me indoors and stop me seeing my friends. He too used to flip out in the car and in the end he began to stalk me... but that gave me the courage to finally leave.

Nobody should feel trapped or describe their relationship as unhealthy. You dont have to make excuses for him, his behaviour is controlling and he's pushed your boundaries for 18 years, so doesn't know where to draw a line. What's his relationship like with the women in his family? That is often very telling... Have you tried 'Clare's Law'? It's a scheme to help women find out if their partner has a history of abusive behaviour. i don't want to jump to conclusions but it might be worth looking into.

Good luck to you x

Shoxfordian · 11/02/2020 12:03

He doesn't love you, he's abusive

TwentyViginti · 11/02/2020 12:06

What you describe isn't love he's showing you. It's control and abuse.

The threats of suicide if you leave is a very very common control tactic.

You are spending your energy placating your abuser, instead of focusing on yourself. Good that you recognise he is contributing massively to your MH problems.

You need to leave him ASAP.

Oh and if he threatens suicide - call the police. They'll do a check on him.

Echobelly · 11/02/2020 12:06

It's not love, it's over compensating so he can claim you must be 'crazy' because 'look at all the things I do for you' if you complain about his abusive behaviour.

12345kbm · 11/02/2020 12:07

Over the years I have become less and less confident and less independent.

He kind of takes over and does it for me.

When we argue he panics and thinks I’m going to leave so says he’s going to hurt it kill himself and walks out. I then spend ages calling, texting or looking for him and begging for him to come back and bit do anything stupid.

Then when he does come back I pretty much have to forget what I was annoyed about or what he did.

He also smashes things, punches the wall and even hits the steering wheel and scares me (when he’s driving) during arguments. He knows it will make me stop whatever I’m saying to him and try to calm him down. We then don’t address what we were arguing about in the first place

Everything is based on me and put on me. I realise that this is a massive contribution to my mental health problems (although it’s not all this). It’s like it’s an obsession.

TwentyViginti · 11/02/2020 12:09

The things he does are not done with good intentions, either. It's all about controlling you and keeping you with him.

MashedSpud · 11/02/2020 12:13

Ten pizzas?

Either your freezer is full of shop bought pizzas or he’s a feeder trying to make you housebound.

lazylinguist · 11/02/2020 12:15

He is abusive. He behaves this way in order to control you and your reactions. That's not love, it's power and manipulation.

Rutheroot · 11/02/2020 12:25

? You don't think shouting, smashing things and scaring you is 'unkind'?

user18463585026 · 11/02/2020 12:34

You've just described domestic abuse (coercive control), not love. The driving too fast is a really common example, so is threatening to kill himself.

Abuse is about power and control, not nastiness or violence (although both those may be used to control someone).

You feel trapped by it because that's what it's designed to do.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

I feel smothered. Can he love me too much?
Runmybathforme · 11/02/2020 12:36

So sorry, but he doesn’t love you, he’s abusing you.

RuffleCrow · 11/02/2020 12:39

This isn't 'loving someone too much' this is being a controlling and abusive arse.

From your thread title hoped you were going to come on and say that he was really sweet, completely gentle and besoted but that you found him a bit wet. But no, he's not some loved up doormat, he's just another abusive man. Sad loads of good advice on here op. Take it.

wobblywinelover · 11/02/2020 12:40

He sounds very unstable and manipulative. I wouldn't be staying with someone who sounds like such hard work. Sounds like it's draining you OP, do you really want to continue with this drama? I'd get out of the relationship, but make a plan before you do it. Sounds like he's a real cling on and will create havoc if you try to leave him.

user18463585026 · 11/02/2020 12:40

He knows it will make me stop whatever I’m saying to him and try to calm him down.

His supposed anger is manufactured by the way. He's completely in control, it's not "heat of the moment", it's calculated abuse to control you.

AngelsSins · 11/02/2020 13:06

Fucking hell OP, he sounds unstable, I mean really intense, just too much. You must feel so trapped.

What do you want?

NRPDad · 11/02/2020 13:08

Lovebombing and gaslighting/emotional abuse.

Please seek help

GilbertMarkham · 11/02/2020 13:12

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Paddy1234 · 11/02/2020 13:14

I too was expecting a sweet bit of love bombing.
This is abuse - clear cut abuse.
Please be safe 😢

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/02/2020 13:15

His actions are in no way loving ones; his actions are about power and control. Abuse is about power and control and this man wants absolute over you. He wants to keep you in a gilded cage of his own paranoid making. Its still a cage.

This man is dangerous and this type of person is in this article too:-
www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

How old were you btw when you were unfortunate enough to cross paths with this abusive individual?. You need to plan your escape from your abuser carefully because he will not likely let you go at all easily. Please take heed of these other posters replies too and seek help in order to escape him, you cannot remain with this man now.

GilbertMarkham · 11/02/2020 13:16

If/when you leave, get lots of support and help, get others involved (ie do it safely).

DowntonCrabby · 11/02/2020 13:18

This is abuse. Please believe us OP.

He’s conditioned you to think his behaviour is out of love to you. It’s abuse and control.

It is NOT healthy.

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