I feel smothered. Can he love me too much?

[Tuscan4]

So I have been with my partner for nearly 18years. He has always been a bit soppy compared to me. Over the years I have become less and less confident and less independent. I have really bad anxiety triggered by loss. I see a counsellor and I have spoken about how he treats me. I always thought that he treats me well and I should be grateful. But I have been saying how overwhelming I find him sometimes. For example I will just suggest something like changing my car and be pushes for me to do it. He kind of takes over and does it for me. He’ll offer to pay. I say I’m fancy a pizza and he buys 10 different pizzas and drives around for ages to get them. When we argue he panics and thinks I’m going to leave so says he’s going to hurt it kill himself and walks out. I then spend ages calling, texting or looking for him and begging for him to come back and bit do anything stupid. Then when he does come back I pretty much have to forget what I was annoyed about or what he did. He also smashes things, punches the wall and even hits the steering wheel and scares me (when he’s driving) during arguments. He knows it will make me stop whatever I’m saying to him and try to calm him down. We then don’t address what we were arguing about in the first place. It has been suggested that he is emotionally suffocating. That he has good intentions but it’s all to ‘keep me’. My partner has said that all he ever does is for me. He has changed his life And beliefs to suit me. I feel it’s all to much pressure. Everything is based on me and put on me. I realise that this is a massive contribution to my mental health problems (although it’s not all this). It’s like it’s an obsession. Is it possible for him to love me too much? Is it unhealthy. I feel so trapped.

Emotionally suffocating? Who told you this? He is emotionally abusive and controlling!

I met him when I was 19. He is a few years older than me. I’ve never heard of the term “love bombing” before. But he does do things that are incredibly sweet too. He has supported me through some really tough times. It’s not all completely bad as I don’t think I would have stuck around for so long, especially in the early years. He takes me on lovely holidays and gives me free reign over the doing up the house. He doesn’t stop me going out. But we often do things together anyway. I do find myself being a bit horrible sometimes because he is so full on. Maybe I push him away because it’s too much. I’m not sure if it’s love or unhealthy codependency anymore.

It's not love. It's abuse. If you read up on the abuse wheel, the parts where he's nice are on there. Tension will then build and then another explosion.

He bangs things and punches walls in order to threaten and intimate you and keep you in your place.

He threaten suicide to manipulate you and get his own way.

I understand that being able to choose the wallpaper is a big thing for you but that's because he controls ever other aspect of your life. You are now suffering from mental health problems because of it.

You need support to exit the relationship and to heal. He's an abuser OP and it only gets worse.

OP, it's abuse, and even abusers are nice sometimes. It's all part of the headfuck, you see, to keep you staying with him. I left an abusive ex after 30 years, and this behaviour resonates.

I hope you're telling the counsellor everything he does/has done.

OP I bet if you ignored his pathetic attempt to blackmail you I.e running off saying hes going to kill himself he will come home miffed with his tail between his legs claiming hes depressed and nobody cares about him,

Sorry OP, yes, your loving partner is just plain abusive. As all others have said, it's classic control methods, I'm surprised your therapist hasn't mentioned it, have you talked about exactly what he does?

Tuscan4

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What sort of an example did your parents show you.

This has NEVER been a loving relationship and codependency is itself an unhealthy state.

Not all that surprised to read that you sadly crossed paths when you were 19 (and also had no real life experience behind you). You've been well and truly suckered by this bloke who also targeted you deliberately.

His "support" is wholly conditional and you are in a cage of his own paranoid making. Abusive people like this man is can be "nice" sometimes but their nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one. No amount of niceness from him or lovely holidays (to a destination of his choice) can make up for the fact that you have been in an abusive relationship with this person. He has merely ramped up the power and control against you over time and has tested you throughout to see what you will accept from him in terms of treatment. He will continue to mess with your head and your boundaries in relationships, already weak to begin with, are now further weakened by being with him.

Re the house too are you named on the mortgage or rental agreement or is this solely in his name?.

Has your counsellor identified that you are in an abusive relationship?.

How open have you been with this person re what is happening within these four walls?. I sincerely hope that you are seeing this person on your own as well.

Where are your own family and friends here?. What do they think of this man?.

I don't mean to scare you but this is exactly my mums partner behaved. When she tried to leave he killed her.
Please, please contact the police and make sure you are safe.
Do this as soon as you can.

I see my counsellor alone. I have been dealing with my own demons. I always thought he was quite supportive and only really referred to him recently. This is when she said that he was emotionally manipulating me. I haven’t really gone into depth about my relationship until now. She has started to speak about how I can try to get my independence back. It her saying this that made me think harder about everything. Thank you everyone for all of your advice. It’s a hard reality pill to swallow. I just didn’t realise this was happening to me. This is the first step to me regaining my life back. I will be careful and get the support from my family (they do not know about the bad parts of the relationship, they just see the part where he treats me to things). Thank you all. Xx

Your counsellor has no DV training if she is encouraging your to get your independence back. Does she mean while remaining in the relationship? She's end up getting you hurt or worse.

He is really controlling you, but in such a way that you are so used to it you see it as normal.

Do you have children?

I am 8 weeks pregnant. It is this that has made me re-evaluate my life. He has wanted children for so so long and think I let him and my age push me into it all. Maybe it’s my hormones. But the fact that I have another person to think about now is why I’m questioning everything that he does. He wants to go to couples counselling. I feel bad not trying everything before giving up.

Don't go to couples counselling.

No no no please don't have the baby with him. You've been ground down, none of those behaviours are "love". You need to leave safely.

You should never attempt couples counselling with someone who is emotionally manipulative and controlling as they use it to further control you. Encourage him to go for counselling on his own, he has major issues that he needs to deal with himself. He should not be in a relationship, he’s so insecure despite being with you for years that he resorts to controlling behaviour dressed up as ‘love’.

My first relationship aged 18 when I had moved town to attend university was a controlling one like this. He also did lots of lovely things while controlling my behaviour by getting in a strop and threatening suicide if I attempted to see friends or visit my family alone. Made me miserable in the process as I was so smothered and controlled.

It takes a long time to get out of a relationship like this as the more you pull away the tighter they cling on. I knew I wanted rid of him within 3 months, took me until 18months when I was pretty much totally isolated from everyone to tell him I was done. Unfortunately I was living in the same house but luckily with 6 others, he had changed all his courses so was in the same classes as me, we had the same friend group. After breaking it off he stalked me, would break into my room at night, would find me out in town and steal my bag or my keys from me, would follow me around shouting at me, he repeatedly threatened suicide, was incessant. I did feel guilty and partly blamed myself as he was an expert in gaslighting and making out if only I could behave differently he wouldn’t be the way he was.

This was his problem though, not mine, he had a mh breakdown in the end (common in these cases as well) and luckily went home to his family 300 miles away. I have never been in a relationship like that again as I recognise the signs very early and dump.

Please take time to work through this with friends and family or people you trust, it’s very dangerous leaving someone like this. Read up about coercive control, there are lots of very good YouTube videos about controlling people like him. Talk to your counsellor but ask if she has experience with dv and coercive control as she shouldn’t be suggesting trying to get your independence while still being with him as he’ll react very badly to that. If possible in these cases I think when you’ve decided to go you have to do it without him knowing, get somewhere safe and then tell him.

Also, once you escape from him you may well find your depression lifts, very likely it is in response to being in this controlling relationship.

I don't recommend having a child with an abuser. The child ends up with MH issues at the very least. Bitter experience, my DS was suicidal for a while.

You really do need to get away. And you don't need to "try everything" before you leave. That's a fallacy, the only person who can fix his abusive behaviour is himself, there's nothing you can do.

OP abuse normally escalates during pregnancy because you're more vulnerable and he has more power during this time. Many abusers push their victims to have children then show no interest in the child.

You're being ill advised by your counsellor to push for more independence while with your abuser. It will make his abuse worse as he fights you for power and control.

You need to have a serious think about whether you want a child with an abuser. It's just another way for him to keep you in line. They often threaten to take your child away from you and abuse their children. Bringing up a child in an abusive household is considered neglectful and abusive.

Please get some advice OP. National Domestic Violence Helpline – 0808 2000 247 You're very vulnerable right now.