Too good to be true??!

[JKitten]

Help... i need opinions on wether there might be a catch that I'm too 'in lust' to see... I've met a guy I'm really falling for but it's scaring me. I worry I'm too into him and I'm gonna end up hurt.

Im 37, divorced, 2 primary school age children. We met on a (very rare for me!) night out in a bar. He approached me and we got chatting.
He's a similar age to me with no kids and says he's never really had a proper relationship before (I feel this is true based on comments etc from his friends). He's 'dated' lots of women and I'm not his usual type at all! His usual type seems to be glamorous, big boobs, fake hair, fake tan, face full of make up. Not divorced, tired, Mum of 2 who rarely wares make up and is the complete opposite of glamorous! So this does concern me. He is gorgeous. He has money. He could have any of these women, so why me? I know this sounds a bit '50 shades' - rich sexy man meets plain Jane... but that's exactly what it is!!
He says he's not really had a relationship before because he'd never met anyone he wanted that with. He has spent a lot of his time on his career to get where he is today and says he focused on that rather than relationships which I can understand.

When I ask him 'why me?' he says (cringy) things like there was just something about me! He says he was, and still is, very 'drawn' to me in a way he cant explain!!! He says he thinks I am beautiful and I'm very 'real'. He always initiated meeting up etc at the start (I was trying to play it cool and not get too emotionally involved!)

He hasn't given me reason to doubt anything he is saying or his feelings etc but I feel like it is too good to be true and worry there is something about to slap me in the face and bring me back to reality! I feel it's more than me just being insecure but maybe it is just that- I cant understand what he would see in me.

@JKitten a question i would ask yourself, is he your usual type? Why him? I was divorced at a very young age and any attention i got after that filled me with all the feels but i kept choosing men that weren't right for me and completely different from the man i married... slowly but surely i'm realising it's pretty self destructive and i go back to my usual 'type' and am happy.

I think how you feel will also depends on what you're looking for from this next relationship - is it a relationship at all or just a fling? Whatever makes you happy, don't let your head get in the way of living the life you want to live because you deserve to feel adored.

You sound like your self esteem is very low.

I don't think having a penchant for women with fake tan and 'big boobs' is anything to crow about. Makes him sound shallow and immature. He's also never had a long term relationship.

I would definitely hold back until I knew more.

I would just go with the flow for now, very very slowly but ultimately trust your own instincts. I bet you're far more attractive than you make out. X

There don't seem to be any red flags, so I would just carry on with a reasonable amount of caution. Trust your gut, make smart decisions and put yourself and your kids first. Don't lose your friendships or support network.

I’d have some questions about someone who is late thirties and never had a serious relationship. It may be that he’s just suddenly grown up and realised that the women he’s dated aren’t what he wants in a relationship, obviously it happens but is just go slow

Don't ever let yourself feel that someone is "too good for you" as there's no such thing!!!
You may think he's the bees knees, handsome and successful etc - and your personalities may gel together well, but just because that's what you think, doesn't necessarily mean that's what everyone else thinks. You may think he can "do better than you" but who are these woman who you think are better than you? Just because they have big boobs and fake tan? Maybe he's just realised that looks really aren't everything. He's given you no reason not to trust him, nobody can promise you that he's genuine or that you will have a long happy future together but don't let the (often bitter - sorry) MN community makes you run away from something just because "it's too good to be true". Yes be sensible and yes don't give your heart and soul to someone you don't know that well yet, but do allow yourself to enjoy it and see where it ends up. You're right to hold a little bit back to protect your heart, but don't push him away because of your insecurities.

You say he dated a series of fake, Barbie type glamorous women. Obviously it didn’t work out with any of them. Probably because those kind of women can be high maintenance and hard work. So he decided to go for something different and see how it goes.
Some people have a type and it always ends up bad so they reach a point when they go against that type.

Alternative point of view: he's chosen you BECAUSE you have such low self esteem and are wondering why he chosen you. Some men target vulnerable women who will feel almost grateful for his attention.

If he's 37 and says he's never had a proper relationship before he could be a flitter, or a commitment phobe. Most people at that age have managed at least one semi serious relationship.

I'd proceed with caution, try not to get too invested too early on, particularly if you have children. He might be the type to up and leave and get bored easily. Not necessarily a major red flag yet though

Agree with the other posters not to put yourself down though!

@DoloresStormborn we'll you're a barrel of laughs aren't you

Hmmm how do you know what his 'usual type' is? Has he shown you pictures of glamorous, beautiful young women? Or told you that about them?

Thanks for all your comments, some good points to think about!
I guess he's not my usually type and I am concerned about getting carried away with all the 'feels'. It is early days but I do struggle to see how he would fit into my family life with my children etc....

I think he has been living the 'playboy lifestyle' in the past and thats not appealing to me at all, but I think there is so much more to him than that, which he does show me when he's with me. So maybe he has realised it's time to grow up...

I don't feel I have massively low self esteem but I see the whole point of this post made it come accross that way! I obviously make an effort to look nice when I see him, but he has seen me without make up etc and it's not something I freak out about. I am very keen for him to see me as I am and not put up a front. Some of the women he has dated are gorgeous and more beautiful than me but i feel that's a fact of life! (I have seen photos of them on social media) And I guess I do currently see him as some amazing perfect man that has 'chosen me' and I need to take a step back and see he has his flaws!
His friends have joked about me not being his usual type and it does annoy him. But they do say I'm good for him and that he's never been this serious about anyone before.

We will see....

Social media photos can involve a lot of filters, fake eyelashes and contouring. Wouldn't put too much stock in that. Judge based on how he treats you and how he makes you feel.

we'll you're a barrel of laughs aren't you

Oh sorry, are we all meant to bleat bollocks about him wanting something different and maybe he’s bored of blondes with big boobs and fake tan and he just wants to settle down with someone “real”? Like a woman’s hair and boobs affect whether a man wants her long term or not? It’s bollocks women trot out to other women.

Simple fact is there are some men who target vulnerable women or women who have clear low self esteem (asking him why me) and use that to their advantage. Ignoring that chance would be stupid.

I agree with @DoloresStormborn Some men do target vulnerable women. The OP does sound as though she has low self esteem and that's very easy to manipulate.

If he’s late 30s and never had a ‘proper’ relationship before, that would ring alarm bells for me. What’s his longest relationship?

@DoloresStormborn But the fact that your initial response says far more about you than anything else, hence my original comment about bitter MN posters. He's given the OP absolutely no reason to suggest that he's targeting her as she initially appeared to have low self esteem, so what led you to that conclusion? Just because the OP thinks he's out of her league? Who says that he's out of her league. I appreciate not wanting to encourage women to fall for men who prey on the vulnerable but all you've done with your post is lower the OPs self esteem further by suggesting that in fact maybe she isn't good enough for him and he only wants her because she's an easy target.

OP he's already got you questioning yourself by telling stories bout his ex's and their glamour. Red Flag 1.
He's never had a long term relationship. Red Flag 2.
His mates are backing him u saying your not his usual type. Guys hunt in packs. Red Flag 3.
Any strops because you cannot make a date because of child care or other commitments. Would be another Red Flag.
Beware love bombing. Another Red Flag.
Advice. Proceed with caution. Keep it loose. Do not believe anything he says, Action speaks louder than words. Throw in convo about the kids, see his reaction. DO NOT introduce them to the kids.

Having been previously married to a millionaire and now married to a teacher... Looks and money are not necessarily a catch but you both took a shine to each other and don't over think it? Looks are subjective and irrelevant and maybe you're just what he's looking or maybe he's experimenting with a different type (as are you by the sound of it)

I think maybe things between us have been a bit intense and I need to slow down and take a step back a bit. I fear I may have got caught up in his attention and flattery and it affects my judgement!

We've been seeing each other a few months and we see each other every other weekend. We haven't exactly defined our relationship but he says things are different with me and he wants to see where it goes. We agreed to take things slow in terms of no pressure, see what happens etc. But when we do get together it does seem to end up intense and anything but slow (in terms of ending up in the bedroom !!)
He has a really soft and caring side which I love about him. He sends me flowers and whisks me off for surprise lunches in the week when we haven't seen each other in a while. But I am aware of the other side of him that may or may not be behind him- The batchelor with all the women! And because he is very confident and is definitely in control in his job, i am cautious of seeing that side come across in our relationship. In business I think he gets what he wants and I obviously don't want to become his prey!

I think my biggest fear is that I'm just a game to him, but that fear has just come from my insecurities because he honestly hasn't done anything to suggest this at all. It's all just come from my head!

We've been seeing each other a few months and we see each other every other weekend. We haven't exactly defined our relationship but he says things are different with me and he wants to see where it goes. We agreed to take things slow in terms of no pressure, see what happens etc. But when we do get together it does seem to end up intense and anything but slow (in terms of ending up in the bedroom blush!!)

Hmm, well he has every reason to flatter you and make you feel special right? He’s getting plenty of sex and has you dangling by a string and has got you right in a place where you don’t want to ask for commitment or even for confirmation you’re in a relationship! I bet you’re not seeing anyone else? But it’s just casual with this guy...he’s got all the perks of being a boyfriend, as well as having you scared you’re not good enough, without having to put in any real effort apart from sweet talking and a few bunches of flowers and the odd lunch.

From what you've said he sounds reasonable genuine, but you're hus first attempt at a different type of relationship. He may well feel more or differently towards you, but he has never before stuck with someone when life gets tough. Maybe he's old enough to be mature even if he's inexperienced in a proper relationship. But basically you're his learning curve in real life. Her may mean everything he says, but will he be there at 3 am when you and the kids have stomach bugs?

I'm sort of in that situation. I consider myself a plain Jane bordering on attractive. I don't wear make-up often and dress down most days. I met a bloke who I think is absolutely gorgeous and normally way out of my league. He said I'm not his usual type (showy) but he saw something deeper in me. We are now engaged! I still can't believe my luck some days. I remember the feelings of 'it's too good to be true'. The key is to just go with it, continue being yourself, don't put him on a pedestal (not suggesting you would) and relax. For clarity, he's always made me feel good about myself - it's just me that can't always see it, lol.

My rule of thumb: If someone says to me "This is different", it usually isn't.

I wouldn't touch him with a bargepole.

Are there things about him you really like and admire and feel comfortable with that aren't to do with attention that he gives you?

I don't mean that to sound arsey, I'm a big sucker myself for getting attention from men and have had my head turned easily from this in the past. I've finally learned (I hope ...) that I have to slow down and really look at what kind of person the guy is before getting sucked in by the thrill of the attention and flattery and fun. Sometimes we're just obviously not compatible and I've just been playing along. Sometimes it's been a guy targeting me as someone vulnerable.

Maybe step back and think a bit about what qualities this man has that appeal to you. Not stuff like his wage or his looks, but the deep stuff about whether you share the same values, how he treats other people (especially women).

I know it's hard when you're caught up in the excitement!