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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Trying again after an affair

37 replies

Reb4evaaa · 11/02/2020 07:59

Hi everyone

Has anyone started trying again after their DH chested? How did it go?

We are in talks at the minute but have discussed taking it really slowly etc, just wanna know what other people did

Ps he has moved out, so it’ll be a case of going back to dating and trying to open up communication (which we was always crap at)

OP posts:

Feelingfree · 11/02/2020 08:31

My marriage ended because of his affair, I could never trust him again. I’m much happier. Living with someone you don’t trust is extremely hard. If you do try you will have a long difficult journey ahead. It can be done it you both want it enough.

How long have you been married and are children involved?

TheStoic · 11/02/2020 09:00

Is the OW still on the scene?

yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 11/02/2020 09:06

I tried but realised I wasn't being true to myself and wasn't loving myself and putting myself before him and I could no longer tolerate it. My anger actually increased over time but I think because I was angry with myself for thinking a cheating lying twat was the best I could do. Being single is a million per cent better but it doesn't happen overnight you have to grieve and feel the pain first. Ask yourself if you're trying to avoid that pain

hellsbellsmelons · 11/02/2020 09:07

I tried for about a day but knew I would never ever look at him the same way again.
I never thought anyone could hurt me as much as that.
It was a deal-breaker.

But.... lots of couples do work through it.
As a PP has said, it is the far longer far harder road to go down.
It will take a lot of work from both of you.

Have you read - Not Just Friends buy Shirley Glass?
If not then read it together.

Is he being completely open and honest and transparent with all of his devices?
What has happened to the OW?
Do you have DC together?

Original poster

Reb4evaaa · 11/02/2020 09:26

we have been married few years, together 11 and have 2 kids. He’s not living with me at the moment.

We are due to have a proper chat this week but I still feel he just flies between eating to try and not.
If he made it clear he 100% wanted to try then I would feel a lot better. It’s just the uncertainty of it all. Obviously I know there’s no guarantee but I just need his reassurance. Hopefully I can gage more of his thoughts when we chat at weekend.

OP posts:

Theraincloud8 · 11/02/2020 09:46

Yes I did but found that after the initial phase of him being apologetic, attentive and loving towards me, he just drifted back into the person he was before and before I knew it he was being secretive again and lo and behold he was back in touch with her and at it again. More fool me for forgiving him the first time. I didn’t make the same mistake twice.

litterbird · 11/02/2020 09:52

If he is not breaking down doors and pleading with you and remorseful to the point of annoyance and telling you exactly what he is going to do to fix it, I am sorry there is no point in trying again. I wish you luck but it has to come from him all the way to reassure you he has made the biggest mistake in his life and act on this positively. He has had a taste of the excitement of the OW, it probably intoxicated him for a while. He will probably do it again sadly.

Original poster

Reb4evaaa · 11/02/2020 09:55

@litterbird yes I completely agree. I’ve backed off now, not txting him or putting myself out there and shall see what he has to say for himself when we talk. But unless he can prove with actions then I shall be walking away. I can’t live my life in limbo and I’m worth more than just the crumbs he’s currently giving me.

Think the issue isn’t just the affair, it’s the fact that over a year previous to the affair our relationship was shit due to him not being able to communicate and shutting me down all the time. He is aware that he did this and that he needs to work on his communication, hence why we said we would talk.

OP posts:

litterbird · 11/02/2020 09:59

All the best Reb4, I like how you are putting your self worth first.....excellent. I see so many women doing the pick me dance and lower their standards just to stay in a marriage. You are worth more than this behaviour. Well done.

kcw1986 · 11/02/2020 10:01

It really depends OP on how your DH behaves and explains his behaviour and of course it depends on the OW is he still in contact with her?

Zaphodsotherhead · 11/02/2020 10:03

I'd say a lot depends on how you found out.

If he admitted, came clean and said he had to tell you because...(anything except because he couldn't live with the guilt), then there's a chance.

If you found out because he slipped up, you read messages between them, ie, otherwise he'd have kept up the affair and only stopped because you found out, then there's little hope.

Original poster

Reb4evaaa · 11/02/2020 10:06

Thanks @litterbird
Throughout all of this I’ve being so level headed and calm with him and just kinda left him to sort his head out.
I don’t want to have to convince him to come back, it needs to be of his own violation.
But I shall soon be getting to the point of having enough of this. I’m happy to try and make it work and take things really slow but I can’t keep having mixed messages

OP posts:

Original poster

Reb4evaaa · 11/02/2020 10:07

@Zaphodsotherhead he told me.

OP posts:

FritzDonovan · 11/02/2020 10:21

Its a plus point that he told you, but a lot depends on the circumstances around why he told you, and how long ago it was, how long it lasted, etc.
As he isn't a great communicator, and cheated rather than addressed the issues leading to it, chances are that if you leave him to drift, he'll take the path of least effort. And this isn't going to be making an effort to show you how much you mean to him.
You need to lay out what you want from him (no contact with OW in any form, for eg) and make sure that affair fog is busted for good, and he knows what he's going to lose if he doesn't put the effort in. If he's crap enough to cheat recently, he's not going to be at the place (attitude wise) he should be for a while, so you need to be clear for yourself what is a deal breaker and what isn't, and make sure he is aware of these. He should be convincing you that he's worth staying with, not drifting along. I'd be concerned that OW was still around if hes ambivalent about making it work. Either that, or hes missing the single life.

NameChangeNugget · 11/02/2020 10:58

I could not forgive a cheat OP.

There are some amazing and very tolerant women on here, who can hopefully offer you some support

Original poster

Reb4evaaa · 11/02/2020 11:15

Thanks @FritzDonovan I think when we next talk I’m going to say that I need the following :

To know OW ain’t in picture
Zero contact with other woman
That we have regular chats to open up
No dating other people
Full disclosure
Take it slow but be open about how it’s going
If the above isn’t adhered to then this stops, no more “I’m confused” bullshit. I am not a revolving door.

OP posts:

Chucklecheeks01 · 11/02/2020 11:15

The fact you say he shut down for a year before what date he tells you the affair started leads me to believe you haven't had the full story from your husband.

HollowTalk · 11/02/2020 11:21

His heart isn't in it, is it? He was horrible to you for a year and then had an affair. It sounds to me as though that affair started when he was being horrible - it's very common for a guy to become detached and nasty to his partner, because he has the admiration of the OW to fall back on. I think it's as though they are showing off to her, in a way.

Now he's living alone - I wouldn't trust this guy as far as I could throw him, tbh. You're the one doing all the work. He's not a prize, OP. Don't feel you have to win him back.

kcw1986 · 11/02/2020 11:21

He's saying "I'm confused" after the affair......that doesn't sound good at all OP.

Also agree you probably haven't had the whole story about the affair.

Original poster

Reb4evaaa · 11/02/2020 11:55

He was never horrible to me. He just didn’t communicate at all, nothing was ever resolved so I ended up just not communicating either.

It all started after our last child, I had PND during pregnancy and suffer with depression anyway, so it was a really tough time made worse by communication issue. I knew things were not great on both our parts but just thought once youngest was older things would get better.
He didn’t know OW back then so I do believe that it hadn’t being going on long, but obviously can’t say that for definite.

OP posts:

kcw1986 · 11/02/2020 12:23

OP do you know for sure that he's finished it with OW sounds like he still may be seeing her as hes confused

HollowTalk · 11/02/2020 12:48

But shutting you down constantly is horrible! That's what I meant. I didn't mean he was openly nasty, but shutting you down is just as bad.

dottydolly72 · 11/02/2020 12:51

Speaking from experience I'd say it's very hard to move on. I've tried and failed, I don't see my H as the same person anymore. The thoughts do go away sort of but are always lurking in the back of my mind. It's hard to get past the lies and deceit. Whatever the circumstances he chose to cheat on you and disrespect you and your family unit and that's just not acceptable. Good to hear you are having some space and thinking of yourself, by all means have the talk but as others have said, I very much doubt you'll ever know the full story and over time that's a head torture you can do without.

LisBethSalander07 · 11/02/2020 12:53

I don't mean this unkindly, but if he wanted to come back, he'd be walking over hot coals to prove he's worthy.

The fact he's not even sure? He's already checked out.

Aren't you worth better? And before you say about the DC, he wasn't thinking of them was he.................

Astrophyllite · 11/02/2020 12:58

Proceed with caution. You'll never trust him fully again, you'll always be looking for evidence if something going on and you're likely to just prolong the inevitable or live a miserable life knowing that person has the capacity to do this to you and likely will again at some point. He's only going to tell you what you want to hear at this point and many people out of desperation believe the grovelling.

I know these threads usually just want to hear it will be happy ever after, they don't actually intend to take advice from those who've been there and call it a day but I sure wish I had at the time... Will always warn everyone in my boat to leave then rather than try to sort it out, but people don't want that advice and have to travel their own path to find out all the advice was right.

Good luck, you will need it.

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