Trying again after an affair

[Reb4evaaa]

Hi everyone

Has anyone started trying again after their DH chested? How did it go?

We are in talks at the minute but have discussed taking it really slowly etc, just wanna know what other people did

Ps he has moved out, so it’ll be a case of going back to dating and trying to open up communication (which we was always crap at)

Take it from someone who knows, don't waste your time and energy. Yes it will hurt to move on but it will hurt and take much longer to heal if you stay. You will never fully trust him again and will end up hurting yourself far more.

I would say it depends on:

1. How far it went (my dh snogged a colleague and this broke me. Knowing he had sex would have destroyed me to the point of being unable to function)
2. Timescale
3. If you discovered affair or your dh confessed
4. If your dh loved or felt he loved OW (I would have struggled with this)
5. You dh cut complete contact or toyed between you and OW
6. Your dh is completely remorseful and you can see his pain

I'm currently going through a similar situation.

I found out a month ago, my husband slept with a prostitute. We are attempting to give it another go, not sure if I am completely mad or not. He has been completely remorseful, he is embarrassed with himself. We have had several couples counselling which helped. We are focusing on the positives (together 12 happy years, married 4, with 2 young children). I am having good days and bad days. I'm hoping it's going to get easier. Our relationships not really the same now but we are making more time together and he is trying. Good luck OP

Glad to hear from someone in similar position @mammiesharkie
Hows he been with you?

He has been helping a lot,looking after the children and doing a lot more with them to give me time I'm my own. He has tried to explain his thoughts and feelings, (which I think he is telling the truth as he didn't sugar coat it, I wanted to know the full story). Some days I have really bad days I still think I am in shock x

I agree with a few of what others have said - to me it would depend on whether he was the one that told me, who the other woman was (eg if he worked with her daily I couldn't forgive that as I'd be paranoid everyday) etc.. I don't ever think it's as black and white as 'once a cheat always a cheat' I think it very much depends on the individual situation! Really hope it works out for you x

@firsttimemomx
He was the one to tell me and he worked with her (he doesn’t any more, he’s based somewhere else now)

I think I just need to back off until he starts putting effort in and opening up!

Why would you want to try again, I guess is my thinking. It will be more effort for you than for him, it already is- you are fretting about how it will work and asking online. I imagine he is doing nothing of the sort. He cheated on you at the most hurtful time OP, when you were unwell and had had a child, and he made a conscious decision to cheat because he wanted to sleep with someone else because they were more appealing at that time. He fancied them, cared about them more than you and lied to you, presumably also risked your health if he slept with her and you.

Nothing will change that so it is unlikely you'll ever really move on from it, and crucially you're saying the relationship wasn't working anyway. A 'fresh' start and contrived 'dating' isn't a reset button, it won't change who he is as a person or improve communication. It will just be small talk avoiding the serious issues.

I'm sure it seems easier to try again at an established relationship rather than break lives apart and start again but that seems depressing. I'd rather be single than go to bed with/make a man feel good who was happy to leave me in the dirt for another woman. Especially one who wasnt even that desperate to get back with me.

I think reading all these replies have definitely made me realises that I’m currently doing all the work and stressing out whilst he lives his happy single life.
I won’t be making any decisions till I speak to him but I can’t carry on like this in limbo forever and unless he bucks up then it’s over, whatever the hell “this” is !!

Be brave op and chuck him in the bin.

Do you really want to be with who cheated on you?

OP I really don’t get why you are trying again when he really doesn’t sound that arsed!!

I mean a barely get why women accept men back who plead and beg, but yours isn’t even doing that. It’s you “waiting” to see if HE wants to try. Fuck that, he cheated on you and you are still sat waiting? No you have zero chance of making this work as he has no respect for you. You seriously need to walk away, you will be so much happier.

And Mammie I’d go with insane, your husband slept with a hooker? He paid a women who didn’t want to have sex with him, who was driven to sell herself by god knows what horrific circumstances or possibly trafficked and you’re trying to work on it?

I do despair sometimes, my ex cheated, it was over, 20 years of love gone. But I have my self respect and my total independence.

Any update OP ?
Agree with others, he’s making zero effort at all !!!!