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Original poster

Is this morally wrong?

37 replies

Mermaidwaves · 11/02/2020 01:22

So I've started dating after coming out of a long unhappy marriage. I've dated a few guys so far and am new to modern dating. I have met a really decent man, he's kind, stable and there don't seem to be any red flags so far. We've had 5 dates but the problem is that he doesn't seem interested in things physically. He takes me out to dinner and I'm very comfortable with him, but if I initiate more than kissing he backs right off. He has hinted that sex for him is for a serious relationship which I respect but I'm getting frustrated. Plus I'm wondering if he finds me physically attractive.

One of my previous dates has contacted me for a hook up. The chemistry was really hot between us but we both agreed it wouldn't work long term. I'm tempted to meet for him for just a night as I'm not in a committed relationship with either man but it feels wrong to see both. I'm fully prepared to be told I'm wrong but I don't know what to do. I really like the first man and if we became physical I wouldnt be considering this and would be exclusive but it seems we are nowhere near that stage yet. What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
outherealone · 11/02/2020 01:27

Have you committed to the no sex guy? If he’s said sex is for a serious relationship then maybe he doesn’t consider you guys seriously?
You either need to talk to him or to carry on looking and maybe scratch the sexy itch with hook up guy whilst on your search

Original poster
Mermaidwaves · 11/02/2020 01:30

We are not committed no, things are moving slowly and we have not said we are together, it's dates so far. He seems shy whenever I initiate sex talk so I'm not sure how to bring it up. Hook up guy is purely sex, I fancy him but don't want a relationship with him.

OP posts:
outherealone · 11/02/2020 01:45

Do you fancy him? Have you snogged at least? Maybe you are showing yourself that you’re now able to find non red flaggy guys but maybe he’s not the one and you have more fun dates to try?

FritzDonovan · 11/02/2020 01:59

I wouldn't be impressed if someone I was dating was shagging someone else, even if we hadn't had sex yet. Would you? Why don't you ask him how he sees it? He might not care, then again, he might be one of those old fashioned types who believes in building a good friendship with someone before sex.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/02/2020 02:03

You've only been on 5 dates. What's the rush? I hardly think it's fair to say he's not interested in sex. He barely knows you.

Original poster
Mermaidwaves · 11/02/2020 02:16

Yes I agree with all of you, I think first man is quite old fashioned and wants to build on something first. And yes 5 dates is still early so I'm rushing things. I think it's because all of the guys I've dated have been full on straight away so I'm stressing that first man doesn't fancy me. And I know if the shoe was on the other foot I would hate it. It helps to hear this as I don't want to make the wrong decision here.

OP posts:
FritzDonovan · 11/02/2020 02:27

There you go then - if you wouldn't like your date shagging someone else, don't do it yourself. Sorted :)

alexdgr8 · 11/02/2020 02:27

you don't sound suited if you think he should be doing something after 5 dates, and he doesn't.
frankly you don't sound as if you are ready for a mature committed relationship. you seem to want to just amuse yourself with sexual activity. that's up to you, but why mislead the 5 dates guy.
if you are not interested in a serious relationship, wouldn't it be fairer to stop seeing him, maybe tell him how you see things.

Original poster
Mermaidwaves · 11/02/2020 02:30

Yes maybe I'm not ready for a serious relationship yet. Perhaps I'm better off pursuing a FWB type situation for now.

OP posts:
StarlightLady · 11/02/2020 03:25

You have needs. Your needs are not being addressed and no indication that they will be. It’s not a case of being morally wrong, it is morally right to look elsewhere.

Home42 · 11/02/2020 07:47

I dated a guy like this some years back. I knew up front that he was no sex before “serious” and it wasn’t an issue. I respected his beliefs. It was fine for the first month and the second. We saw each other in the week once or twice and every weekend. After month 3 I started to get frustrated. We were kissing and “fooling about” but it would get so far and he’d just slam the shutter down and say “no sex”. We discussed how long this could take and he said he really didn’t know... until he felt it was “serious”. I tried to be ok with it but really I wasn’t. I felt rejected every time and eventually I broke it off. It was a big relief, there was a lot of pressure to get to “serious”.

If it was me I wouldn’t want a relationship with someone who had “rules” or “deadlines” around sex. I want to go with the flow and get there naturally. With some guys that takes a good few dates, with others it’s quicker.

okiedokieme · 11/02/2020 07:58

I would find out what he means by serious. I respect a man who doesn't want to dtd on the first date but 5 in if you are exclusive then what's the problem? Maybe he hasn't made up his mind that it is serious? I knew within minutes of meeting for the first time (in person, we had talked for hours on the phone) that it was not just a casual date situation, luckily the feelings was mutual

Soopermum1 · 11/02/2020 08:28

My DP was like this, there was lots of chemistry in the first few dates but nothing overt, and when I made a move he knocked me back (wasted a bikini wax on that)

But we dtd about a month later and everything's been great since.

Hi reasoning was that he wanted to know we were in some sort of relationship and he hadn't had sex in a very long time, so was very nervous about it all. Worked out fine in the end.

I think if I'd shagged someone else during that time he would have been gutted.

TheStoic · 11/02/2020 08:36

Do whatever feels right to you. Nobody else can answer this for you.

Personally, I would be perfectly comfortable exploring multiple relationships until I had agreed to be exclusive to one person.

noego · 11/02/2020 08:44

No brainer for me, but then again I'm a non monogamous relationship anarchist

SW16 · 11/02/2020 08:46

Honestly, if you feel the need for sex and are happy to meet hook up guy while other man is ‘waiting’ you don’t sound compatible with other man!

I don’t think it is morally wrong, if you are not ‘exclusive’ but either waiting guy is worth it, or worth more of a wait, more time getting to know him, or he isn’t.

Hopoindown31 · 11/02/2020 09:07

If the guy you are dating is not moving at your speed it probably isn't the right relationship to pursue. Two timing him isn't going to make that better.

Mostlyhappy4 · 11/02/2020 09:20

Hi, I don't think there's anything morally wrong with wanting sex with hook up guy but I'd be wanting to investigate what's going on with five dates man. Does he seem uncomfortable or ashamed when you refer to sex? Is he an 'older gent' who might naturally have more old fashioned views...? Don't know what I mean by that really - just older so possibly sees dating as something longer term before committing to sex and assumes you feel that way too? I would want to know if we were sexually compatible reasonably soon so I think I'd want to at least suss out what he's thinking about sex. Does he talk about past relationships?

Patch23042 · 11/02/2020 09:32

I don’t think you’re “right” or “wrong”. Similarly, I don’t think the first guy is right or wrong for choosing to keep sex for a committed relationship and the second guy isn’t right or wrong for seeking a hook-up. As long as all parties are honest and practising safe sex if applicable, it is fine imo. Don’t give yourself a hard time over this OP.

Reginabambina · 11/02/2020 09:38

If you’re not committed then I don’t see the issue. Why not just ask your no sex guy whether he wants to become exclusive or whether he’s still not sure?

MadamePewter · 11/02/2020 09:45

Can you tell no sex guy that you want sex? If he says no then I’d say it’s perfectly ok to have just sex with hot sex guy.

mumsie2019 · 11/02/2020 10:21

Continue to date and hook up with the other man for causal sex, shock horror your an adult and not in a committed relationship
No commitment means your your own person
Play safe have fun

Itsallgonewoowoo · 11/02/2020 11:27

My DH didn't believe is sex before marriage! I knew that early on and accepted it, he had been dumped before because of it. No one is in the wrong, it's up to you if you're happy to wait or not. As a PP said, as long as everything is open and fair, it's when lies get involved that it'll all go tits up.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 11/02/2020 13:52

Five dates? I don't think that's exceptionally long. Maybe I'm old fashioned.
Having said that, if you're not exclusive, then you're not. He may not feel the same way though.
And if you do go on to become serious, and stay together, it'll be a bit weird that you were shagging someone else in the early days, he might not like that. Many wouldn't.

CursedDiamond · 11/02/2020 14:23

My view on this is it's fine...if everyone is on board about it. I think there are a lot of assumptions made about exclusivity/non-exclusivity, and what that actually means to people in the early stages of dating that aren't really that helpful. Some people are ok with multi-dating, but once there's sex on the table, then they don't like the idea of someone sleeping with others (even if they haven't actually had the exclusivity chat yet), others perfectly happy for everyone to be sleeping with everyone else. But everyone just assumes and then, presumably, just don't talk about it when it becomes exclusive, or have a bust up when it comes to light and the assumptions aren't the same.

It would be a lot easier if everyone just was open with each other about their monogamy status...