Children services don't seem to understand my emotional abuse! WWYD?

[anlon17]

I am fleeing from my abusive -D-H. We have a 3 yr old DC. DH has been controlling, verbally & emotionally abusive almost throughout our 9 yrs together. Since a year back when I told him I want to leave, his abuse has worsened. In last couple of months it has turned physical as well.

I have informed the police. Also got a non molestation order ex partie today (yet to be served). However, the lady from children service baffles me.

When she heard about the most recent incident from the police, she called my DH and he denied it. She rang me back and said "what do you say to that. He says he hasn't done it". I wanted to say is this the first domestic abuse case you are handling! In the past, when I have shared with her some bits of emotional abuse she quickly responds back saying "but this is only your side of story. I need to hear from him too."

How do I convince this woman that the threat to me and my child is very real!

She asked me to leave the house which I did with my DC. But had to take DC home after few days so she could go to school. (alternative address very far).

So now my DC is at home with my abusive husband. I am living in a hotel. She has told me one of us has to stay out. DH won't. So I have to.

I dropped in to see my DC today I noticed my DH had punched the wall so hard that there is a big gaping hole.

I got so worried that I told the person who was going to serve the order to wait till I manage to get my child back with me.

If I take my child away without informing my DH and then serve him the non molestation order, would the children services still see this as me not allowing contact with dad?

I don't understand this system. If a man is violent and out of control , why would you want to leave a defences child with him alone! How do I convince the Children services to help me protect my child. She has asked me if he has hurt her. He has been rough with her but not hurt her. So she feels he is fine to have her.

Any advice would really help.

This is madness. Don't leave your dc with a violent man. Phone womens aids for advice.

Is the house rented or mortgage, joint or his name only? Or yours?

You convinced the judge hence why the Non Mol was issued, so do not worry about her. You do not need to do anything but keep stating the facts over and over.

If you got a non molestation order how come you didn't get an Occupation Order?

WTH is going on?

Have you had any support from a DV organisation? Do you have a record of the abuse? Have you kept a log? Photos of physical injury? Are there Dr or hospital notes?

Have you made enquiries about a refuge?

Abuse always get worse when you tell them you are going to leave. You don't sound like you've had any advice from a professional. You are most vulnerable when leaving and in the first year after leaving.

"I have informed the police."

Just informed?
Or given a statement, completed a DASH book and supporting a prosecution?

Have you /are you phoning the police each and every time there is a new incident?

Because CS will look upon one as much more favourable and 'believable' than the other.

No I have been phoning police every single time. I have said I wanted to go down the civil court route - what is DASH? Police put in a referral to national centre for domestic violence who helped with non mol.
I applied for occupation order but the judge did not grant it . Its to be considered in return hearing.

I thought I have been getting advice from DV charities. From what you are saying it seems like I am being very naive or perhaps even worse not understanding the gravity of the situation.

I don't know. I don't know what I don't know!
I have a DV worker who said you are on the right track with non mol. Keep going, Call me when you need support. I will call her tomorrow.

Please could you tell me what happens to child arrangement in such cases. My husband hasn't attended mediation till now but may do. I don't want to do mediation anymore because of his behaviour. Will I still have to give in and enable his contact with DC?

A DASH (Domestic Abuse, Stalking and Honour Based Violence) is a risk assessment. The police should have done one when you reported the Domestic Abuse. It seems as though you have a police record of the abuse which is good news.

There is no such things as a 'standard non mol', it's written according to your specific circumstances. You can even have a non molestation whilst living in the same house.

You need proper professional advice, so yes, contacting your DV worker first thing is a good idea. You need a safety plan.

Rights of Women helpline is open tomorrow. Call them for legal advice.

Mediation is not recommended in DV cases.

Calm down. Your DV worker should support you with this and answer any questions you have. Get legal advice from Rights of Women tomorrow.

Regarding contact. It's very likely he will get contact, especially if he isn't a danger to the children. However, nothing is certain at the moment, wait to see what your IDVA and Rights of Women say.

The childrens services lady is shit. Sounds like she doesn't understand coercive control and emotional abuse. I would put in a complaint about her to someone higher. It is crazy that you left your daughter with a violent partner! Take her asap then deal with it later, when you have spoken to womens aid/your DV worker.

Ok sticking my neck out but yes children's services need to hear both sides of the story, they need to check with any court orders and police reports etc. They need to do a risk assessment etc. Not all cases are the same and women have made false accusations, you haven't but it's not unheard of to try to get full custody. You need to speak to an experienced person to advocate for you, but also write down what you are accusing him of. I have ex in laws where it was the female being emotionally abusive, but tried to pretend it was the other way around, children's services cannot assume anything.

Could you ask social worker to refer to the police and DV workers aware of your case? That might help if it's possible.

There’s not a lot you can do. My children were given to the men who abused me. I’ve just had my stage two complaint, which was partially upheld - reading through the interviews with the SWs it is very clear they never believed me and had me labelled as mentally unwell. I have my stage 3 panel complaint later this week. Every single piece of evidence from other professionals which supported me was either ignored, twisted or in one instance completely changed to read something else and when the professional involved wrote to children’s services telling them to retract what they claim she said or she would take further action, the SWs response was that I had obviously bullied the professional into writing to them because I’m such an ‘angry’ person.

Sorry I don’t have a better experience to share.

Your 3 year old does not need to go to school! She needs to be safe. If she is not safe with him, then she needs to be with you. Can she not stay with you in the hotel?

I work in children’s services and I’m confused by the advice you’ve been given. First steps would be to take your child back into your care, see a family solicitor and get a child arrangement order and find out what to do about your house.
I’ve worked with dozens of families where there is domestic abuse and only one man has ever admitted to violence; I would expect her to know that. Of course she has to ask him his side but he’s not going to be honest.

She sounds dangerously incompetent.

I have now got a serviced apartment. Can check in by 2 . Can have DC with me. No issues.. He isn't answering my calls. I am planning to go secretly pick my DC from school. I am just very worried if he has taken her away.

User1493... how do I communicate to this SS lady that I need her help. I dont have any friends or family in this area.

Hoping the school plan works. He has told the school that I abducted DC.

Point out to the SW that all she needs to know about his side of the story is that a judge hasn't accepted it.

I work in CFS and I'm confused too. We don't direct parents re contact unless we need to intervene by PLO for removal from both parents if there's risk of significant harm. If it's one abusive parent we do not give direct advice but point in the direction of family court and a child arrangements order. We wouldn't say either way as we can not assume we know the risk.

We generally tell the non abusive parent to use their PR to protect their child how they see fit and let the judge decide if the risk of genuine emotional abuse towards the child is enough to remove contact or work out if it is a case of parental alienation. I do not understand what your SW is advising you. Obviously I don't understand the particulars of your case but if you have reported physical damage to the property whilst he was caring for your child the worker needs to go round and investigate what the means and the impact it had on the child. You can request a change of worker too if you feel like you aren being listened to? The worker should be listening to you all but the voice of the child will be the strongest opinion used in assessment and decision making. Are you at Early Help, CIN or CP level?

Thanks Aryaneedle. We are at CIN level.
Your answer seems very logical. Not been my experience with SS. I am going to call her and make her aware and also tell her my plan. Hopefully she wont tip him off.

Fgs don't tell her that is your plan OP.

Get advice first in case it looks bad for you later on down the line. If you think he will take your child, look into a Prohibitive Steps Order.

Look for a solicitor here. The ones with DV training have a purple ribbon beside their name. Blue triangle means they have a free legal clinic. Some offer a free hour and they have a Reduced Fee Scheme.

Contact your IDVA and get legal advice before you do anything else.

I did it. Managed to get my DD to a safe place with me. He will be served non mol today. I am extremely scared at the moment. What have I done!! What happens next? He would want to see DD.

Get the solicitor to draft out divorce and child arrangement. Should I get prohibitive steps? I can't think.

I am so worried about his reaction.

Good news! Well done.

Breaching a non molestation order is a criminal offence, therefore the police will have to arrest him. Divert all his calls to 'message only' so you have a record of any abusive messages. Don't block him as texts can be used as evidence and it will also alert you to his intentions.

Your IDVA should give you safety advice.

Speak to your solicitor about a PSO, they are best placed to advise.

To a large extent, I feel the situation between DH and me deteriorated as soon as police and SS got involved esp SS. We both lost trust on each other very quickly. Not that it wasn't going anyway.

But we had decided that I would move out by end of Feb and mediation sessions were booked. From there to such a horrible state where I have to get non mol just seems bizarre. Haven't spoken to him since morning.

I don't know if this is how it would have been anyway.

What has other people's experience been? Would it have come to this anyway or is it worse because authorities were involved?

Why were police and social services involved in the first place?

They got involved because he became aggressive one day and pushed me. I went to log that incident on 101 but for some reason they decided to visit me at home. So he got to know and from there it all spiralled very very quickly. 6 weeks!

He became very paranoid that I am making recordings of him to report to the police. Almost seemed a bit mental. He was constantly trying to get hold of my phone and check if I was recording. I wasn't!

Blimey - your ex sounds quite like mine!
I was absolutely terrified when it all escalated and police, courts, CAFCAS etc got involved but what I'm learning is that the best thing for me to so is channel my energies into creating a stable home for DC. By creating a safe routine for DC, the courts can see how this contasts with his ridiculous outbursts and accusations. He does get contact (rightly so IMO) but it's safe, controlled and limited. Get advice from women's aid and then get back to normal day to day life asap. Don't call your ex, don't respond to anything he sends your way and deal with the courts as and when you need to.

Well done OP.