Children services don't seem to understand my emotional abuse! WWYD?

[anlon17]

I am fleeing from my abusive -D-H. We have a 3 yr old DC. DH has been controlling, verbally & emotionally abusive almost throughout our 9 yrs together. Since a year back when I told him I want to leave, his abuse has worsened. In last couple of months it has turned physical as well.

I have informed the police. Also got a non molestation order ex partie today (yet to be served). However, the lady from children service baffles me.

When she heard about the most recent incident from the police, she called my DH and he denied it. She rang me back and said "what do you say to that. He says he hasn't done it". I wanted to say is this the first domestic abuse case you are handling! In the past, when I have shared with her some bits of emotional abuse she quickly responds back saying "but this is only your side of story. I need to hear from him too."

How do I convince this woman that the threat to me and my child is very real!

She asked me to leave the house which I did with my DC. But had to take DC home after few days so she could go to school. (alternative address very far).

So now my DC is at home with my abusive husband. I am living in a hotel. She has told me one of us has to stay out. DH won't. So I have to.

I dropped in to see my DC today I noticed my DH had punched the wall so hard that there is a big gaping hole.

I got so worried that I told the person who was going to serve the order to wait till I manage to get my child back with me.

If I take my child away without informing my DH and then serve him the non molestation order, would the children services still see this as me not allowing contact with dad?

I don't understand this system. If a man is violent and out of control , why would you want to leave a defences child with him alone! How do I convince the Children services to help me protect my child. She has asked me if he has hurt her. He has been rough with her but not hurt her. So she feels he is fine to have her.

Any advice would really help.

Go to womens aid and move childs school

I would phone ss and ask to speak to her manager, ask for someone else to take over the case.

No advice at all, but just a quick note to say that I'm sorry you're going through such a miserable situation. I'm glad you're safe.

DC is very distraught. She is only 3 but seems to understand more than I expected.
She has been saying she wants to go back to her own school. I have another school in another area that was planning to take her too.

Any advice/ any books on how do I help her come to terms with the situation. I am feeling so guilty about disrupting her life.
I called DH so DC could wish goodnight. He was so upset and breaking down. I feel sorry for him. What he did was very very horrible yet I wish we all could heal from this asap.

What are these "schools" you insist on sending a 3yo to ?

So you mean nursery school because it is not law that she attends. Are you working ? If not, simply keep her with you. If you are working and need childcare, claim any free child care places you can and investigate any top up benefits you are allowed.

And fgs, stop confusing her by telephoning your abuser.

Leave all contact with him until it is properly ordered and arranged, preferably supervised by someone other than you. You are understandably all over the place and not thinking straight.

What Anyfucker said.

Please put any ideas of guilt/feeling sorry for out of your head. This is an act from him.

My abuser put in an act in front of the coppers down the nick and later a friend. I believed it. It was part of my downfall in the end.

If he gave a flying fuck about his daughter, as a human being, he wouldn’t treat her mother like this. She is an accessory that makes him feel good about himself, that he can hold up to the world and say ‘see, look how good I am. Look at how generous I am. Look at how kind I am’ etc etc etc

FFS please do not make the mistakes I made. You’ve already come across what sounds like a complete lack of understanding of the dynamics of abuse from SS.

She’s also a nice 3-year-old-sized stick to beat you with - and he WILL use her if he can get away with it.

He’s lying his face off already - please leave guilt and sentimentally where it belongs in this instance: in a 1950’s Disney fairytale because of you don’t he will do his best to paint you as unhinged, violent, abusive, incompetent - abusers are very good at playing the prince on a white steed when they have an audience.

In the nicest way, at 3 years old.your child should not have a say in what "school" she attends, if it means being with an abuser.

Well it is a school in the sense that it's the nursery of a private school . She has a uniform and all. Every parent, child , teacher addresses it as school. Anyway no big deal.school or nursery whatever.

Thanks for all the advice. It was useful.

OP you sound as though you'll go back to him. However, you have social services involved and they don't look kindly upon people who have young children and keep them in an abusive household.

His behaviour was escalating physically towards you and that generally follows many years of emotional abuse. When he had your toddler in the house, he punched a hole in the wall.

You're doing the right thing by keeping your child away from him. There's no 'healing' from domestic abuse when you're still in the abusive relationship.

Your toddler is going through a lot right now. She is moving from place to place, she has been a witness to abuse and temper tantrums and now she's having conversations with her distraught daddy. You really need to protect her from this OP.

Toddlers adjust very quickly but abuse affects them for life. You need to keep her away from him.

Have you contacted your domestic abuse worker yet?

Wait until contact arrangements have been organised via your solicitor. In the meantime, try to get life back to 'normal' as soon as possible. Look into getting some counselling as soon as you can. Perhaps have a look at BACP.