@Newnameforthis11 that's so sad if he's not willingvto even try. I did one session of counselling with DH, after countless talks at home where he sat and said nothing, in that session he talked like it was a business pitch, all about how he's been burying his head in the sand for years, how he's let me do everything with the house and kids etc (alongside full time teaching, 2 children who never slept or napped and house renovations) because he 'just doesn't know how to do that stuff'. I sat there with my mouth open for most of it, partly as he's never spoken for that length of time in my presence before and partly because I just assumed he didn't really think there was a problem. That was 3 weeks ago, but we've had problems bubbling away for about 10 years. Married 13, together 18.
I basically have built up so much resentment that even though he's trying now, it just annoys me. He follows me round now like a puppy, asking what needs to be done, offering help, asking questions about my day... Hes being fairly proactive, although still has never cleaned a bathroom in this house and still doesn't drive, leaving it all to me... All fantastic, all wonderful, all stuff, if he'd done it 5 years ago, I would have loved... And could have made a difference.
But now I just can't get past my feelings of feeling suffocated, claustrophobic, annoyed... Worse, just entirely turned off. I look at him and see everything I don't fancy... Hear him cough and instantly I think of his dad, then of retirement, years together, without the kids to distract me. Urgh.
We are still waiting for counselling... I'm hoping that once I've seen that this isn't all an act, if he's seriously going to change, that the counseling will help me feel more connected again. But right now I can't see it, it feels like there's nothing left and if we keep trying to force it I'll just feel even more trapped. I didn't always have the skin crawling feeling, I still fancied him a few months ago and wanted to try. But then I got involved with someone else, who sort of offered me a way out. I tried then to talk to him, so many times, but he just ignored me... It's lead to me just switching off I think.
He's been aggressive in his manner, never physically, but just in the way he's spoken to me before when we talked and I just felt like a stupid child being told off. If your DH has been aggressive to you just for speaking your mind, especially when you've tried counselling, I would see that as a very valid reason to go. Especially if you're at all scared of him.
DH is being entirely reasonable and doing everything right, so the only thing stopping me is guilt and fear. I've told him I don't think I can get the feelings back, that they might be gone. He just wants to try. It fills me with dread thinking about even trying.
I've heard it referred to as Fog before, fear, obligation, guilt. That's what's keeping me here. But that's wrong and actually cruel to DH really. Only thing he's really done wrong is to be himself and not really cope with becoming a parent.
I'm reading 'feel the fear and do it anyway', lots about self esteem in there, only started today but worth a read.
I'm just amazed how many of us are out there. It's so sad.