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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Valentine’s Day when your marriage is dead

76 replies

Newnameforthis11 · 10/02/2020 17:38

...and your husband is pretending it’s not. How do you deal with it? He’ll buy some flowers or something and it’ll make me feel weird and uncomfortable, then he’ll tell me how ungrateful I am.
How does everyone else in a dying relationship cope?

OP posts:
dontgobaconmyheart · 11/02/2020 15:14

Why are you still with him though OP? I'd be focusing on that and how not to be rather than trying to work out how best to grin and bear it. It doesn't matter what he thinks of it Confused if you are done with the marriage he can't do a lot about it.

Can you not just tell him you don't want anything for valentine's day and look into how to separate?

baubled · 11/02/2020 15:22

@dontgobaconmyheart it's not always as simple as that unfortunately- if it was there would be a lot less unhappy relationships posts on here

peekaboob · 11/02/2020 15:33

@baubled This one:

www.thortful.com/card/58348d31e4b00b0865b43579

baubled · 11/02/2020 15:36

@peekaboob perfect, I've ordered it

Theraincloud8 · 11/02/2020 15:52

Why are some of you still sending cards when you don’t want to? I don’t understand that. Just tell them that it would be hypocritical and see where the discussion takes you. Sending a card with zero feeling behind it is just daft

memememe · 11/02/2020 16:16

last year i got him a card that said "if you got eaten by a t rex id miss you." dreading this year.

Original poster
Newnameforthis11 · 11/02/2020 21:29

Sorry to hear there’s a few of us in the same boat, but comforting to know I’m not on my own.

OP posts:
Inver · 13/02/2020 10:13

Nope, not on your own OP. I'm currently looking up "love quotes" to write in DP's card, because for some reason he's started to get pissy if I don't write something gushing and romantic in his cards.

It's not always as easy as just leaving.

I'm just looking forward to tomorrow being over.

Bearski77 · 13/02/2020 10:41

Ha! I seemed to have escaped the whole thing by the fact my DH has gone off to see a gig in Manchester today, and is going straight from there to Glasgow tomorrow night, back Saturday morning.
Happy Valentine's Day, me.

:s

Deadringer · 13/02/2020 10:50

I am in the same boat op. We are still together because we make a good team as parents and have foster children that might go back into the system if we break up. Even if they allow them to stay with us/me I don't want to put them through any more trauma, they have lost enough. There have been no infidelity issues or anything like that, I just don't love him anymore.

Original poster
Newnameforthis11 · 13/02/2020 11:25

Sorry to hear so many similar stories Flowers

OP posts:
KirstyHasLeft · 13/02/2020 20:23

Well, my DH and I have split just over a month ago. We are still living together.
He is going away for work tomorrow so we just had our last Valentine's dinner together (a day early). It was bittersweet and I wished to both of us to spend the next Valentine's with someone we love.

Tomorrow I am filing for divorce.

strawberry2017 · 13/02/2020 23:50

I have a card for my husband but can't bring myself to write it. It's not a lovey one it's funny.
I'm really struggling with how I feel about him at the moment.

Holidaycountdown · 14/02/2020 01:17

@KirstyHasLeft same...10 days here, amicable but awkward as f&@£. 💐 for everyone having a rough time of it!

Deadringer · 14/02/2020 08:06

I want a valentine card that's says you are ok, but can you move out please.

AgentJohnson · 14/02/2020 08:15

Maybe your discomfort about this one day could be the catalyst to making a decision to improving the next 364.

Waiting for someone to change the status quo that benefits them, is pointless. Now is the time to start making decisions that will make you happier in the long term.

MzHz · 14/02/2020 08:21

I want a valentine card that's says you are ok, but can you move out please.

That made me chuckle @ Deadringer. There’s a whole market for honest cards

Cards for crappy parents on Mothers Day and Fathers Day? Oh yes!

To all of you in this boat, ((((((huge hugs))))))

I’ve been there, miserable with a
permanent internal scream of desperation. Luckily he didn’t believe in doing anything that made me feel appreciated so Valentine’s Day was always ignored, along with birthday, Christmas or anything else that’s an act of kindness.

I left, or rather he gave me the ultimatum to “behave or I’ll leave you” and I chose option b.

I wish all of you happiness and love and hope that some way you’ll all get to where you should be.

A massive MN Valentines ❤️ To you all from me.

RoxytheRexy · 14/02/2020 11:39

This is us. This time last year was the day after my Mums funeral and we were driving 4 hours back home. On the morning of the funeral he picked a massive fight with me. And I’ve never really forgiven him. I was hoping that a year going past would mean I would get over it but I just can’t

We have bought cards for each other and got the Tesco Dine in for £20 but they forgot the wine. I cried when I realised

NameChangeNugget · 14/02/2020 11:45

I do feel for you OP.

It’s the other 364 days that count, not just today’s Hallmark Holiday.

I couldn’t live like that. You deserve more Flowers

dottydolly72 · 14/02/2020 12:07

I'm in this boat with you all.. he brought home flowers last night said he wouldn't leave them in the car overnight so brought them in. Whoopee doo flowers, sadly they change nothing. One thing .. I've made a promise to myself, this will not be me next year. So sad there's so many of us 💕

dottydolly72 · 14/02/2020 12:10

I should add I refuse to mark the occasion by spending a single penny on a card or anything else for that matter. I love flowers he knows that, but I much prefer buying my own because I'm worth it.

SunshineAngel · 14/02/2020 12:46

Why are you carrying on with the farce if your marriage is dead? Don't stay together "for the kids". My parents did this for years and it caused more damage to us all than splitting up would have done.

I had a boyfriend who I was in the process of splitting up with around this time of year, and I'd told him I was moving out when I'd next been paid (so 2 weeks after), and he still did Valentines as normal. Weird.

dottydolly72 · 14/02/2020 13:03

I really wished it was as easy as that, marriage, two kids with SEN and serious financial control have me backed into a corner!! It's not forever and that's what keeps me sane right now..

peachescariad · 14/02/2020 13:03

I'm in same boat too....loveless/dead marriage but we do work as parents. I have no feelings for him....absolutely nothing. I've even thought how would I feel if something happened to him (I've done all the scenarios) and still there is nothing.....I feel sorry for him because he's done nothing wrong. I feel sad that this is not how my life should have panned out....this is not where I imagined I'd be 30 years ago...mid 50s now.
He gets me an anniversary card every year and I got a funny card with avocados on today....I get him nothing.
We don't discuss our relationship because I know he doesn't want to hear what he knows I will say.
It's so good to know there are are others here like me.
It's fine and I'm fine - I just miss the life I thought I would have.

Peridot1 · 14/02/2020 15:49

Same boat here.

We just ignored it today. And our first date anniversary which was this week.

He’s not a bad man. I just don’t love him anymore. And he has retired so we spend too much time together. Sometimes it’s not too bad but last few weeks have been bad. For me anyway.

He knows I’m not happy. Hasn’t tried to talk about it or address it in any way.

I would instigate splitting except that DS has just seen his friend through his parents separation and how badly it’s affected him and warned me that if we did that to him he’d never speak to us again. So I’m waiting a bit. He’s off to uni in September.

I’m starting to see a counsellor next week too.

Also all complicated by the fact I have no idea where to go after. Money will be fine but I don’t want to live where we are currently and we are planning a move anyway. It’s sooo complicated and spinning around in my head like mad. Thank god for wine. But I’m drinking too much of that which isn’t helping.