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Original poster

Am I obsessed with his ex?

101 replies

Sanityoutthewindow · 10/02/2020 09:33

I have been with my partner for almost three years. We have both obviously had relationships before.

When I first started dating my partner I didn’t know much about his past or ex partners. When taking a number from his phone one day I noticed a name of another woman so I added it to my phone book.

When I went on WhatsApp I saw the picture of the woman and realised that it was someone in which I knew of (not in a good way). I couldn’t believe it and I knew straight away that this was his ex.

Cut a long story short she isn’t very clean (STI) sleeps around a lot and has a prolific history of abortions and sleeping with several men at a time.

I was absolutely distraught and couldn’t comprehend why he would date someone like this knowing and hearing his morals and thoughts on a suitable match. I confronted him and I was right he did date her.

I told him I knew her and how disgusting she is and that it makes me feel sick to think I’m with him now after her. I was done but he explained he didn’t know and it was a mistake and he split from her when he found out. So I thought I was overreacting and being out of order.

Problem is he said it wasn’t serious and it was just a hook up a couple of times but he still had all of her families phone numbers in his phone and had admitted that she had been to his parents house.

I had to wait a long time before being introduced to his parents as he said they never approved of his past relationships and weren’t eager in meeting someone else. Which pissed me off because he took her there all of what she is!

Fast forward to now and I still cannot get over it. I can’t get her out of my head. Sometimes when I look at him all I see is her and I can’t help think he loved the way she was and that’s why he was attracted to her but it makes me physically sick where I could throw up my food.

I am put off sexually at times as I just can’t stop thinking about where he has been.

Am I okay? Is this normal because I don’t feel like it is but I can’t shake the feelings that I’m having.

I have very vivid dreams of him being in a relationship with her and I wake up completely resenting him.

Am I insecure? Should I have ended it when I found out? Is there any future? Will these feelings ever go?

I’m so confused and still am disappointed and disgusted with him even though I didn’t know him at the time.

Please be kind I don’t mean to sound like a horrible or judgemental person but I just can’t shake these feelings.

Ps. I have never felt this way or reacted in this way in previous relationships so this is why I’m filled with so much uncertainty.

Thanking you in advance for any comments or advice x

OP posts:
haveyoutriedgoogle · 10/02/2020 12:02

Perhaps he kept her number because she’s much, much better in bed than you?

SunshineAngel · 10/02/2020 12:19

If you struggle with the fact that your partner was with another woman, you will really have problems trying to find someone you're truly happy with.

It's none of your business who he went out with.

Also, him having the phone numbers in his phone means nothing. I have loads of contacts in my phone who I haven't actually been in touch with for years (including exes and a couple of their family members), it's just that I literally never clear my contact list out. Nothing unusual about that.

I will accept that it's normal (ish) to have a bit of a nose on social media to see what his exes were like, but after that, you move on. Your fixation sounds unhealthy.

EthelMayFergus · 10/02/2020 12:22

Op, I think I know what you mean, but I had the opposite situation. I lived with my ex for ten years and he was faithful (I think), but on a night out with friends I bumped in to an old friend of his, who told me he was intrigued about the kind of woman who could 'tame the old dog'. Long story short - my then partner admitted to sleeping with 'probably over 100' women before we met and I honestly didn't think the same of him afterwards. I don't even know why - rationally I knew it shouldn't matter, but somehow it just did. My dh will never know, and the reason for that is it won't fit his idea of me and my past, because dh has had three sexual partners, including me. Your partner may honestly not have known, like I didn't, did he end the relationship with her?

MocholateMousse · 10/02/2020 12:26

You sound deeply insecure, OP, and really need to get some help for this.

Your partner has done nothing wrong. His ex girlfriend has done nothing wrong. The drama is all in your head.

ddraigygoch · 10/02/2020 12:27

OP won't come back. Abusers don't like it when they aren't seen as wonderful justified people.
They don't like the image they've created being damaged.

Abusers never like justifying their abuse.

opticaldelusion · 10/02/2020 12:30

You feel like you could throw up your food because of another woman's sex life? Or what you think her sex life is like - you don't even know.

You're weird.

Beau2020x · 10/02/2020 12:46

@ddraigygoch you should see what she wrote in another post about being 3 months pregnant and her best friend had a MC at 8 weeks now she thinks her friend is being resentful and thinks maybe she shopuld stay away from her as she wants to enjoy being open talking about her pregnancy.

She sounds like a self righteous crazy lady. Either that or the hormones got her REAL bad (hence the wanting to throw up her food at the thought of OHs sex life)

RantyAnty · 10/02/2020 13:53

So the boyfriend you are with now. Has he slept around a lot, sometimes with several women at the same time and has he had an STI?

dontgobaconmyheart · 10/02/2020 14:04

It sounds like it boils down to the fact that she was like that and he still closely WAS into to it and her OP, he was attracted to her, did like her, and might even have liked her more than you at the start of he escalated things quicker- is that what you're thinking deep down that really bothers you?

Separately, she isn't a 'slut' and can do what she likes she definitely isn't worth less than you or anyone else OP so you may as well get that rubbish out of your head. You aren't a more respectable person than her just by default of a less adventurous sex life Confused. Having an STI can happen for many reasons- you might even have one OP, if you've slept with someone who's ever had sex with ANYONE else, regardless of how many people that person has been with. Have you been tested since dating him?

You do sound obsessed with her and have made your insecurity in your relationship about her- you need to deal with what are very closely your own personal and emotional problems if you want to feel better and work out if your relationship is working or just makes you miserable because it is causing you to act like this.

Interestedwoman · 10/02/2020 14:18

@Sanityoutthewindow Other people might feel differently- but this is how you feel. I can understand that you might be grossed out by your boyf having shagged someone with an STI.

Anyone could catch an STI I suppose, but you're grossed out by it and that's just the way it is.

If you can''t get past it then you might have to consider dumping him.

Has he had all the tests etc so you know he doesn't have it?

BeenThereDone · 10/02/2020 15:25

Such a pearl clutcher.... U sound controlling and uptight dear.... It was before he was with you, its none of ur business and you especially have no business going through his phone. I'd have dumped ur ass.

Bluntness100 · 10/02/2020 16:04

I don't think thr op will come back either, although possibly still reading.

I'm not sure she's an abuser, and don't think that's fair.

Op, if you're still reading, if you were physically ill and in pain you'd see a doctor and get it fixed right?

The same with your mind. If you have a mental illness it's right to see a doctor and seek treatment and therapy, rather than living your life in pain.

So I think make an apt with your gp, explain what you said on here, the paranoia and compulsions (checking his phone) the obsessive thoughts, the insecurity, the jealousy, the possible fabrication of truths, the dreams, the resentment, through to the physical symptoms, felling physically sick etc,

They will be able to help you, get a diagnosis, possibly give you medication, therapy and help you back to full health, where you can live a happy life without this kind of pain in it.

Good luck, 💐

Urkiddingright · 10/02/2020 16:47

You sound awful. I’d hate to be judged like this for mistakes I made before even meeting my DH. We all have at least one idiot ex, that’s why they’re an ex.

BarbedBloom · 10/02/2020 16:54

I would have run a mile if a new boyfriend wrote down the numbers of the guys in my phone and then started looking them up. It is totally unacceptable. No one likes to think about their boyfriends having sex with other women, but we all have a past.

I really do not like you slut shaming this other woman. You are allowed to have your own boundaries and morals of course, but I am actually disgusted at you calling her unclean. Really disappointing.

Also, rumours and gossip are nasty and often overblown versions of what actually happened. A friend of mine at University was called a slut and everyone talked about her having lots of abortions. She was a virgin at the time, but even if she wasn't, no one bloody judged all the men involved.

PickleMyPepper · 10/02/2020 17:06

You broke up with him because he slept with a woman you're not keen of before you?
You took a number from his phone of a woman just to search for her on your WhatsApp?
OP you're nuts. Really insane, creepy, bunny-boiling behaviour.

The way you speak of her is vile. What she does is absolutely none of your business.

I have news for you, your adult boyfriend will have had sexual partners before you and will have them after too.
If you can't handle that, then refrain from dating.

rvby · 10/02/2020 17:19

@Sanityoutthewindow

I wouldn’t have dated this guy if I knew he had been with her

Ok, well that makes it really simple, obviously break it off with him? Not brain surgery is it?

You sound like an unusually awful person, maybe you have MH issues for which I'm sorry but at the same time, you need to not make other people miserable with your problems.

This guy had sex with a woman who you have apparently decided is barely human? The fact that you can denigrate another human being to this extent, that you somehow believe she has "tainted" a man simply by having sex with him... and then you have the audacity to be angry at your partner for the actions of someone he had sex with... I mean... you clearly have a delusion that sex is black magic? You need professional help and to let other people live their lives.

Also ffs do not copy numbers from partners phones to research who they've fucked. Especially when you are actively delusional about what happens when people have sex with each other. It's not voodoo ffs. She hasn't turned him into a frog

iswhois · 10/02/2020 17:30

Just leave him as you will never get over this and it's unfair on him

Then get some therapy for your low self esteem

Sugartitss · 11/02/2020 15:18

You’re getting some harsh replies op.

No need for the name calling fruit loop etc.

Sluts and slags do exist in the real world just not on Mumsnet.

Bombaybunty · 11/02/2020 15:28

Why does it matter if she sleeps with numerous men? Perhaps she enjoys sex?
I don't understand the not very clean comment either. Catching an infection doesn't make you dirty.

SueEllenMishke · 11/02/2020 15:33

Sluts and slags do exist in the real world just not on Mumsnet

Define the above ........

ClientQueen · 11/02/2020 15:43

What's a slut or a slag? Someone who has multiple partners and enjoys sex? What's the male equivalent? Hmm
God forbid a women enjoy sex and have plenty of it

PickleMyPepper · 11/02/2020 16:08

Sluts and slags? Good grief, the misogyny is so ingrained and so real. Envy

Peignoir · 11/02/2020 16:14

What gives you the right to judge his ex partners? He's with you, so what's the problem? You shouldn't have snooped through his phone in the first place. He's done nothing wrong and you're thinking of leaving him? I think he's better off without you. You're clearly immature and insecure.

There's nothing wrong with a woman enjoying lots of sex.

Herringbone31 · 11/02/2020 16:36

I’ve never ever looked at my husbands phone. We’ve been married more than 10 years. I’ve also never taken a number off ANYONES phone and added it to my WhatsApp

She’s his ex. For a reason. He’s not with her now. It could of been a one night stand. But whatever. Your ex’s have made you who you are today. His escape have also made him a certain way. A way you found attractive. For example. My husband has someone who he couldn’t trust. So he made it implicit that his next girlfriend be someone he could trust 1000%. Which is me. She might not of been nice. But hey. It’s worked for me

You have real problems. I don’t mean that harsh. But the level of mistrust from the start. Looking in his phone. Then looking up this woman is not normal and yes. You do need to see someone about this level of obsessiveness that you have.

Herringbone31 · 11/02/2020 16:38

@Sanityoutthewindow. You say the advice on here isn’t what you wanted

What you meant to say is it didn’t agree with you. Many here have answered the questions you put in your original post.