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Original poster

Am I obsessed with his ex?

101 replies

Sanityoutthewindow · 10/02/2020 09:33

I have been with my partner for almost three years. We have both obviously had relationships before.

When I first started dating my partner I didn’t know much about his past or ex partners. When taking a number from his phone one day I noticed a name of another woman so I added it to my phone book.

When I went on WhatsApp I saw the picture of the woman and realised that it was someone in which I knew of (not in a good way). I couldn’t believe it and I knew straight away that this was his ex.

Cut a long story short she isn’t very clean (STI) sleeps around a lot and has a prolific history of abortions and sleeping with several men at a time.

I was absolutely distraught and couldn’t comprehend why he would date someone like this knowing and hearing his morals and thoughts on a suitable match. I confronted him and I was right he did date her.

I told him I knew her and how disgusting she is and that it makes me feel sick to think I’m with him now after her. I was done but he explained he didn’t know and it was a mistake and he split from her when he found out. So I thought I was overreacting and being out of order.

Problem is he said it wasn’t serious and it was just a hook up a couple of times but he still had all of her families phone numbers in his phone and had admitted that she had been to his parents house.

I had to wait a long time before being introduced to his parents as he said they never approved of his past relationships and weren’t eager in meeting someone else. Which pissed me off because he took her there all of what she is!

Fast forward to now and I still cannot get over it. I can’t get her out of my head. Sometimes when I look at him all I see is her and I can’t help think he loved the way she was and that’s why he was attracted to her but it makes me physically sick where I could throw up my food.

I am put off sexually at times as I just can’t stop thinking about where he has been.

Am I okay? Is this normal because I don’t feel like it is but I can’t shake the feelings that I’m having.

I have very vivid dreams of him being in a relationship with her and I wake up completely resenting him.

Am I insecure? Should I have ended it when I found out? Is there any future? Will these feelings ever go?

I’m so confused and still am disappointed and disgusted with him even though I didn’t know him at the time.

Please be kind I don’t mean to sound like a horrible or judgemental person but I just can’t shake these feelings.

Ps. I have never felt this way or reacted in this way in previous relationships so this is why I’m filled with so much uncertainty.

Thanking you in advance for any comments or advice x

OP posts:
HulksPurplePanties · 10/02/2020 10:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ for quoting a deleted post.

Bluntness100 · 10/02/2020 10:10

Going through his phone and checking the directory though and then copying numbers to see who they are 😱

TheVanguardSix · 10/02/2020 10:12

I think you need to end this relationship. You are obsessed and your behaviour is so damaging to both of you. It’s a ridiculous sword of Damocles you’re insistent upon hanging over you both. How on earth do you expect to grow as a couple and have a happy, healthy, stable relationship? You can’t.

You cannot shape his past or alter it to suit your current wishes. You either make peace with it and focus on what you both have now or let some irrelevant fling from another time, now long gone, dictate your feelings for this man. And how utterly sad is the latter, OP? So sad. Are you REALLY going to let your irrational feelings drive your relationship towards its downfall???

TheGirlWithAPrince · 10/02/2020 10:14

To be honest you took a number of someone in his phone just because it was a girls name... That's the first red flag that your not all that right in the head, then you slut shamed someone.. Fair enough if its not your style but to judge him for this long about it? Bit over the top, you are completely over reacting.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 10/02/2020 10:14

Break up with him. That is the best advice to give you.

OldTownRoadHome · 10/02/2020 10:15

Haha OP out of a tonne of replies you choose the one that is in step with you.

On the balance of averages you just agreed with the only other insane judgmental person.

Doesn’t make you less crazy my dear.

MMadness · 10/02/2020 10:16

You need to get a grip. Seriously.

Itsallgonewoowoo · 10/02/2020 10:21

Ok so she's vile and you're lovely and you can't see why a man who would choose you would also chose her. The fact is you looked through his phone, copied a number, then stalked her. Seriously you think you are better than her? At least she was open about what she does, you were underhand.

Bluntness100 · 10/02/2020 10:25

Op can you be honest with yourself at least? Is this woman attractive in your view? Maybe you see her as more attractive than uou? Is this behind your extreme reaction?

Some of the things you say about this woman are awful, I would bet good money you were never close enough to her that she was telling uou about her apparent stis and apparent abortions. You didn't even know your boyfriend dated her, so you were not close to her. So either it's bitchy gossip or you made it up to put her down in uour boyfriends eyes.

If deep down, this is all about your own insecurity, that's why you were going through his phone directory and checking women's names, and then extreme jealousy thrown in because you perceive her to be attractive, then honestly, I mean this gently, you need some help to resolve your issues.

OurChristmasMiracle · 10/02/2020 10:27

Everyone is entitled to make their own decisions. It’s doesn’t sound as if she’s chasing after your man so who she sleeps with is none of your business tbh.

If you can’t get over the fact he had a relationship with someone who has different opinions and views on sex to you then you need to split up.

Walnutwhipster · 10/02/2020 10:28

You didn't want advice, you wanted people to agree with you. Nothing about your thinking is right, from the mistrust of your boyfriend to the way you judge another woman. Your post is horrifying and if a woman posted saying her partner had this thought process the answers would be to run, he's abusive.

MummyJasmin · 10/02/2020 10:42

As someone who never had a physical relationship until after marriage...I would never slut shame or judge a woman who chose to live their life differently to me!

Beau2020x · 10/02/2020 10:45

What kind of advice were you looking to get om here?!

She can do whatever she wants with whoever she wants and tell whoever she wants about it! Having an STI and abortion doesn't make you a vile woman! I know people who have had/done both of these and been with 1 partner only! His ex and her business is none of yours. no idea why you are so bothered and obsessing after 3 years?!

Honestly, you need to leave this man for both of your sake. If iI was you,, I'd feel good about myself that (in your perception) that you are are somewhat of an improvement from his ex. No repulsed by her.

BaolFan · 10/02/2020 10:45

You sound bloody awful.

You snooped through his phone, helped yourself to contact information and then researched this woman so that you could slag her off. JFC I have contacts in my phone I haven't spoken to in years.

You hold yourself to be a better person because she enjoys sex and - gasp - isn't actually ashamed of talking about it! The fact that you look at your partner and judge him for sleeping with her speaks volumes about you. If someone's previous sexual past bothers you then you need to find a virgin to date.

If karma exists then your partner will get tired of being held to account about a woman he used to shag, and he'll dump you because he'll be fed up of your paranoia and jealousy.

Beau2020x · 10/02/2020 10:56

OP you are clearly a troll, you've posted 3 threads in 3 days - one on Saturday about feeling undesired by DP and that you aren't like his exes. And one Yesterday about being 3 months pregnant!

You have issues!

Bobbi73 · 10/02/2020 10:57

A lot of people are being very harsh on you when I actually think that you really do need some help. Please speak to your gp about accessing some counselling. Your behaviour and language is very troubling. I think you'd be better out of a relationship while you deal with these issues. Please do find someone to talk to about this.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 10/02/2020 10:58

No I don't think OP is a troll

Grape0 · 10/02/2020 11:05

When taking a number from his phone one day I noticed a name of another woman so I added it to my phone book

This is totally unacceptable!

You really need to work on yourself before you are able to have any kind of healthy relationship with someone else.

Please seek some counselling.

Cheeseandwin5 · 10/02/2020 11:34

Have to agree with others, copying the number just because it was a girls name was worrying and at the point you should have checked yourself.
You need to speak to a professional otherwise you will only make yourself and other ppl very unhappy.

loobyloo1234 · 10/02/2020 11:43

Are you going to ignore all of the PP's that have asked why you felt the need to copy another girls number from your DP's phone?

Worrying about and slut shaming another female when you should be looking at your own behaviour OP. Get a grip

CalmdownJanet · 10/02/2020 11:57

Seriously your boyfriend needs to run for the hills!!

Honeyroar · 10/02/2020 11:57

The worrying thing for me is that you go through his phone, checking and stalking- not only the time you found her number, but you’ve clearly been back looking for who else is there if you know he has her family’s numbers. That’s the not normal bit, along with you confronting him about her and how you think she’s revolting. What you think of her is your opinion and fine if kept to yourself. You do sound like you could do with some counselling. And you owe your boyfriend an apology.

Beau2020x · 10/02/2020 11:59

@loobyloo1234 is she also going to ignore the fact that she's pregnant with his child and writing this?

CorianderLord · 10/02/2020 12:00

I think you're gross to say someone 'isn't very clean' for getting an STI. It happens sometimes and it's nothing to do with hygiene that's misogynistic phrasing.

And I have never had one so it's not about me being offended before you say it.

You don't sound upset you sound like you have deeply entrenched anti-feminist thoughts when it comes to sex and sexuality.

Are you not British? Because your attitude is very old fashioned and unusual.

SemperIdem · 10/02/2020 12:02

You have massive issues and probably need some professional help to work through them.

His “slutty” ex is the least of his problems. You, his possessive borderline unhinged current girlfriend, are the main one.