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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My short marriage is crumbling...

29 replies

YouCantBuildWithCrumbs · 09/02/2020 22:36

I'm not sure what I'm looking for but I have no one I can really talk to in RL. I've NCd as I don't want this linked with my usual username.

So I've been with DH for 6 years, married 18 months with a 3yo DD. Now let me start by saying DH is a good man, he's hard working, selfless and a brilliant Dad but we just don't seem to be getting on.

We've always bickered over petty things but over the past few months it's constant. He often doesn't listen, doesn't take any of the mental load and just doesn't think sometimes. I nag a lot, complain and nothing he does seems to be good enough/right. I do give him a hard time but after 6 years, I'd of thought he would just do/know certain things.

Last night we squabbled in bed over the TV, I wanted to buy an amazon stick, he didn't. It escalated and he ended up calling me a 'fucking boring cow'. He does this when we argue, he gets angry and calls me something and gets personal. I told him how dare he call me something so horrible again and why does he always make it personal? He blames me, saying that all I do is complain and push him to say these things.

We went to sleep without saying anything more and I still haven't spoken to him properly. I feel like I've checked out. I'm not enjoying his company and everything he does irritates me. He knows this and thinks I've caught "the ick". Sad

I don't know what to do. I honestly think we'd have split up by now if it wasn't for our DD. I don't know how to fix things. I dont even know if I even want to or if I'm still just angry. I don't know if I genuinely want to end things or just being dramatic because I'm hurt and angry Sad

We can't afford counciling, we're barely making ends meets so that is not an option. Sad

OP posts:
Livandme · 09/02/2020 22:40

Could one of you go and stay elsewhere for a week to give you a bit of space and chance to think things over?

Original poster
YouCantBuildWithCrumbs · 09/02/2020 22:41

Not really. We've moved away from our hometown and family, we both need to stay for work. Neither can get time off atm either Sad

OP posts:
FridgeOffal · 09/02/2020 22:45

Spare room?

Carve out odd hours of thaw day when you can both get some time out?

I don't le the fact that he gets so personal so quickly, that sounds nasty.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 09/02/2020 22:45

His behaviour is abusive. Why would you want to salvage anything?

katy1213 · 09/02/2020 22:48

I haven't a clue what an Amazon stick is - but surely you don't need to ask permission to buy one?
He needs to treat you with at least the same courtesy he would give a colleague.
And you need to stop nagging and bickering over nonsense.
Good manners towards each other would be a good start.

Original poster
YouCantBuildWithCrumbs · 09/02/2020 23:01

I wasnt asking his permission, we were discussing it. Like we do with every 'luxury' we consider getting - especially as money is tight.

OP posts:
Mommatotwoboys · 09/02/2020 23:07

Has he always been nasty? If not, is it worth a discussion to find the underlying cause? Maybe stress or he has checked out of the marriage?

Original poster
YouCantBuildWithCrumbs · 09/02/2020 23:12

I think he just gets frustrated because I am argumentative and don't let things go. I think if anyone's checked out, it's me. I dont want sex with him and feel like we're room mates most of the time.

He does so much for me though, does a lot of housework, goes weeks without a lie in so I can have, makes dinner etc. But I just find him annoying Sad I pick out the things he hasn't done rather than the things he has Sad

OP posts:
Cruddles · 09/02/2020 23:15

His behaviour is abusive

Hardly, probably sick of 6 years of nagging

richteasandcheese · 09/02/2020 23:22

You haven't got the ick - if he's in the habit of calling you a fucking cow and blaming you for making him say it, then he's emotionally abusive....

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 09/02/2020 23:43

Sounds like you're really sad OP. You refer to leaving your hometown, not having much spare money, no time off etc. Is there any of this you can change and make your life happier? You realise he's basically a good bloke except for the name calling which, by the way, usually means they can't think of anything constructive to say.

Nogoodwithgoodbyes · 10/02/2020 00:00

I was in a similar situation. We are now separated. It’s been tougher than tough, I won’t lie but I couldn’t go back to being cursed & shouted at every time something needed to be discussed. I know every situation is different etc. so you know best. At the very least, talk to him when you’re both calm. I spoke to my H again & again , wrote him letters, went for couples counselling etc & it still didn’t work. At least I know I really tried though.

Nogoodwithgoodbyes · 10/02/2020 00:01

I know you can’t afford counselling which is a bummer but to be honest, really good couples counsellors can be hard to come by anyhow. We went to a lady who did more harm than good!

JKScot4 · 10/02/2020 00:10

good man, he's hard working, selfless and a brilliant Dad
It’s near textbook now on MN, this statement followed by a post about an utter nasty arsehole of a man.
Good men don’t leave you to shoulder all the mental load, call you a fucking cow, doesn’t listen, none of that’s good.
But, you do sound like a pita as well, harping and keeping arguments going.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 10/02/2020 00:14

It sounds to me like you've both got into a pattern of sniping at each other rather than genuinely communicating.

You must have been good at this at one point, otherwise you couldn't have agreed to move surely?

I know counselling is expensive but it's usually cheaper than divorce.

SW16 · 10/02/2020 06:25

What caused you to criticise, do you think?

If you think this is causing some of the dynamic, can you find a way to break your pattern?

I found myself constantly criticising; every thought felt negative and critical, and eventually I realised that what I had was low level chronic depression.

But he also needs to break his pattern and find a way to communicate and an early ‘divert’ from becoming insulting.

Life from birth to toddlerhood, when you are struggling to make ends meet, puts an incredible strain in individuals and relationships.

Inforthelonghaul · 10/02/2020 07:05

Tbh OP you both sound like you’re a bit ick about the marriage right now. You both have a choice, carry on as you are which sounds pretty miserable, separate and see how you are apart with all the difficulties that brings or sit down together and discuss it like grownups.

Marriage is a many stage process and it’s never fairytale forever. If you both want to make it work you have to understand that you both need to prioritise your relationship and family and make the necessary changes. You loved each other a lot presumably and have a child so what has changed and can it be changed back.

Lifelong marriage isn’t something magical that happens to some couples, it’s a project that they work on together. DH and I have been together close on 30 years and it hasn’t been easy all the time for sure but we always get through the bad bits because we want to.

Musti · 10/02/2020 07:17

You sound quite draining to be with. If he works hard and does a lot of the housework etc, it must be really annoying for you to only pick on the stuff he doesn't do.

Go through everything that needs doing together and both decide who does what. Maybe look at getting back to work and start scheduling some couple time doing fun things together.

Interestedwoman · 10/02/2020 13:43

His verbal abuse is not ok.

push him to say these things.

Yes, that's what they all say. They're in control of their mouths etc, for instance, most of them manage not to act like this towards people at work. He chooses to verbally abuse you. It's not your fault.

You don't deserve this.

I imagine Relate counselling at least is very low cost, but they say counselling isn't wise with someone who's abusive.

You don't have to put up with this.

Nogoodwithgoodbyes · 10/02/2020 19:16

I agree. Go to counselling alone and get some much-needed perspective. There are cheap or free ones out there: just have a good web trawl & you’ll find it. I do think speaking to him would help too, though. A good, honest chat about what you’re thinking. You’ve nothing to lose by being honest.

Nat6999 · 10/02/2020 19:39

I knew my marriage was a big mistake within 6 months of getting married. I was pregnant within 9 months of us being married, exh was diagnosed with MS when I was 8 months pregnant, had I not been pregnant I would have left him then or if he had been diagnosed earlier in my pregnancy I would have terminated & left him. I stuck it out for another 6 years & it was total misery. If you have no ties & you are sure that you want it over, get out while you can before you end up tied to each other for life with children, because once they come along you will never have a totally clean break.

Robin2323 · 10/02/2020 19:49

DH and I have been together close on 30 years and it hasn’t been easy all the time for sure but we always get through the bad bits because we want to.

This.

Sometimes I think people can get into a bad habit of talking ti their spouse without actually thinking about what they say.

As if they blame the spouse for everything that is wrong in their lives.

Would they speak to their friends and colleagues in the same way - probably not if they wanted to keep them.

If money is tight then an amazon stick is maybe not the way to go.

So now one of you is sulking and the one lashed out verbally.

I've been there. Communication is key.

Sometimes you think you're arguing about one thing (Amazon stick) but really you just want more 'attention' 'respect '.

You need to figure out what you really want , you just keep repeating the same old arguments.

Missarad · 10/02/2020 22:06

Gosh to say you would have terminated your 6 year old whom is here now is harsh. Wouldn't be without mine and couldn't imagine saying this.

If it isnt working then split up and move bk home

Seadad · 10/02/2020 22:49

OP - I think you’re both being unkind to each other. You’ve lost trust, intimacy and kindness. You’re depriving each other of affection and love. So of course you end up bickering and resorting to abusive behaviours.
But it doesn’t sound as though the heart of things is all bad. You’ve just stopped seeing each other as a person, the partner and friend rather than a dead weight.
You know you’re at least half of this problem-but you’d be surprised how quickly things can be turned around if you choose to actually see each other as each having choice, agency and something to offer rather than lacking things. What are you honestly bringing to each other?

Nat6999 · 11/02/2020 15:39

Missared I wouldn't be without my ds who is now 16, but at the time I was pregnant it was very hard to be saddled not only with someone who I knew I didn't love but knowing I was going to have to care for him as well & would be stuck with him for the rest of his life as well as a new baby was very hard to accept especially as he was the one who had pushed to have children when I had never really wanted them or ever felt maternal in any way.